Me: So, I know we've had conversations about it before, but I just want to ask straight-up: what do you think of my wanting to be a homemaker?
Ryan: I'm fine with it as long as you're doing something.
Me: Something like...?
Ryan: Writing, photography, stitching, walking...
Aaand this is why he's perfect.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Where I Am Right Now.
I was raised by, in a community of, hippies and feminists and liberals. From the moment I took breath, I was taught and told and shown that I could do and be anything. President? No problem. World traveler? Fantastic! Literary legend? Of course! Genius artiste? Duh!
The fact that I was a girl was never part of the lesson, except perhaps for the lesson of They Might Try To Say You Can't Because You're A Girl, But That Just Means They're Dumb. The words "housewife" and "secretary" weren't exactly dirty, but...
Gender, age, money, none of these things mattered, what mattered is that I put my mind and heart and soul into it and I can go anywhere, I can do and be anything.
...is it wrong, then, that I want to stay home? That I want to be a homemaker, to literally spend my time making a home for my family?
I spent my mini-vacation being domestic. I cleaned, I neatened, I laundered, I cooked, I washed, I rearranged, I organized, I grocery shopped, I planned, I outlined, I budgeted. I neatened my boyfriend's desk, cleaned up his dishes, refilled his drink, made him breakfast and dinner, helped him cook and get ready for work.
I loved every single second of it. Even the frustrating seconds, the seconds where I looked at our money situation and wanted to throw up my hands, the seconds where I got to the laundry room after hauling down an overflowing basket only to discover that I had forgotten the quarters, the seconds where the pancakes burned and the cupcake batter turned to cement and I got sauce on the bottom of my sock and Ryan spilled melted chocolate on the white shirt I just washed yesterday.
I loved taking care of my man. There it is. I gave him shit and sassed him while doing it, I never once did anything because I thought it was "my place" to do so, I helped him when he asked and got his help when I needed it. He never once just assumed I would do something because I'm a girl, he never waved off what I was doing as a given, and all references to my being domestic were either ironic or completely appreciative.
I didn't spend every moment focusing on the house, of course. I also worked on my photography, spending hours taking, editing and uploading pictures. I even hacked at my writing a bit, although that's been quite sticky. As much as I focused on making up our home, I also focused on my own personal and artistic endeavors.
Part of the plan in moving to Indiana was to figure ourselves out, to work and live and get by and think on what we missed from what we were doing in Connecticut. Specifically for me, I hoped to dabble in all my interests--photography, graphic design, marketing/advertising, writing, editing--and see which ones stuck, which ones I made time for because I wanted to, which ones I wanted to invest my time and money in, in terms of potential college degrees.
I have a full time job where I am on my feet all day, I spend a good deal of time taking care of the house, and I still make sure I find time to read, write, do art photography, and be with my friends and boyfriend. These are the things I find important: words, art, people.
I realized, months ago, that I don't want to back to school. In fact, the thought gives me the willies--spending thousands to sit in a room and learn crap I don't need so I can get a piece of paper? I'd rather spend a fraction of the money to get good lenses and materials, I'd rather spend the time concentrating on an outline or learning what exactly each button and dial on my camera does or having a movie & crafting night with my friends or cooking dinner with my love.
The things I care about, the things I want to do, the person I want to be...I don't need college for that. I just need to get the hell out of my own way.
Okay, so I don't just want to be a homemaker. I also want to be an artist and a writer. I know my hippie parents will be overjoyed that I'm finally realizing the last part. I guess I'm just worried about the first part. I was raised in the woods, in workshops, at period faires and drum circles and Pagan gatherings...and I want to be a housewife? A stereotype?
For me, the real stereotype is the woman who is only at home because she's been taught, from the moment she took breath, that it is her destiny, that her brain doesn't matter. The woman who has never had a choice. So no, I don't want to be a stereotype. I just want to be me.
And that happens to mean that I stay at home and take care of my children, my spouse, and our home. I'd even be happy staying a barista part-time to help with bills--not a shift supervisor, not a manager, but a barista, because I happen to love it.
I guess that's what it comes down to--I happen to love my life where I "just" serve people, "just" keep house, "just" write and take pictures.
I'm losing that frantic feeling that I NEED to Do Something, to Have A Career or at least a Real Job, because without one I'm wallowing in the rut that so many people fought for me to be able to leave. I'm losing the self-imposed of cloud of Should, of What Am I Going To Do With My Life, the guilt that's more from myself than anybody else. I'm gaining self-respect, fulfillment, peace and contentment with who I am and what I want to do.
And hell, I'm not even there yet! I'm still in the part where we have to work our asses off to get by, where I can only get myself to write once or twice a week, where I have a small window for photography each day that I miss as often as I hit, where most nights I'm so tired that even reading sounds too taxing. I'm still at the part where the house and the family and the life that I crave is far enough away to seem impossible.
But I know I'll get there, I know we'll get there. And I know now what I want it to look like.
I love that picture. I'm proud of that picture.
And that's all that matters.
The fact that I was a girl was never part of the lesson, except perhaps for the lesson of They Might Try To Say You Can't Because You're A Girl, But That Just Means They're Dumb. The words "housewife" and "secretary" weren't exactly dirty, but...
Gender, age, money, none of these things mattered, what mattered is that I put my mind and heart and soul into it and I can go anywhere, I can do and be anything.
...is it wrong, then, that I want to stay home? That I want to be a homemaker, to literally spend my time making a home for my family?
I spent my mini-vacation being domestic. I cleaned, I neatened, I laundered, I cooked, I washed, I rearranged, I organized, I grocery shopped, I planned, I outlined, I budgeted. I neatened my boyfriend's desk, cleaned up his dishes, refilled his drink, made him breakfast and dinner, helped him cook and get ready for work.
I loved every single second of it. Even the frustrating seconds, the seconds where I looked at our money situation and wanted to throw up my hands, the seconds where I got to the laundry room after hauling down an overflowing basket only to discover that I had forgotten the quarters, the seconds where the pancakes burned and the cupcake batter turned to cement and I got sauce on the bottom of my sock and Ryan spilled melted chocolate on the white shirt I just washed yesterday.
I loved taking care of my man. There it is. I gave him shit and sassed him while doing it, I never once did anything because I thought it was "my place" to do so, I helped him when he asked and got his help when I needed it. He never once just assumed I would do something because I'm a girl, he never waved off what I was doing as a given, and all references to my being domestic were either ironic or completely appreciative.
I didn't spend every moment focusing on the house, of course. I also worked on my photography, spending hours taking, editing and uploading pictures. I even hacked at my writing a bit, although that's been quite sticky. As much as I focused on making up our home, I also focused on my own personal and artistic endeavors.
Part of the plan in moving to Indiana was to figure ourselves out, to work and live and get by and think on what we missed from what we were doing in Connecticut. Specifically for me, I hoped to dabble in all my interests--photography, graphic design, marketing/advertising, writing, editing--and see which ones stuck, which ones I made time for because I wanted to, which ones I wanted to invest my time and money in, in terms of potential college degrees.
I have a full time job where I am on my feet all day, I spend a good deal of time taking care of the house, and I still make sure I find time to read, write, do art photography, and be with my friends and boyfriend. These are the things I find important: words, art, people.
I realized, months ago, that I don't want to back to school. In fact, the thought gives me the willies--spending thousands to sit in a room and learn crap I don't need so I can get a piece of paper? I'd rather spend a fraction of the money to get good lenses and materials, I'd rather spend the time concentrating on an outline or learning what exactly each button and dial on my camera does or having a movie & crafting night with my friends or cooking dinner with my love.
The things I care about, the things I want to do, the person I want to be...I don't need college for that. I just need to get the hell out of my own way.
Okay, so I don't just want to be a homemaker. I also want to be an artist and a writer. I know my hippie parents will be overjoyed that I'm finally realizing the last part. I guess I'm just worried about the first part. I was raised in the woods, in workshops, at period faires and drum circles and Pagan gatherings...and I want to be a housewife? A stereotype?
For me, the real stereotype is the woman who is only at home because she's been taught, from the moment she took breath, that it is her destiny, that her brain doesn't matter. The woman who has never had a choice. So no, I don't want to be a stereotype. I just want to be me.
And that happens to mean that I stay at home and take care of my children, my spouse, and our home. I'd even be happy staying a barista part-time to help with bills--not a shift supervisor, not a manager, but a barista, because I happen to love it.
I guess that's what it comes down to--I happen to love my life where I "just" serve people, "just" keep house, "just" write and take pictures.
I'm losing that frantic feeling that I NEED to Do Something, to Have A Career or at least a Real Job, because without one I'm wallowing in the rut that so many people fought for me to be able to leave. I'm losing the self-imposed of cloud of Should, of What Am I Going To Do With My Life, the guilt that's more from myself than anybody else. I'm gaining self-respect, fulfillment, peace and contentment with who I am and what I want to do.
And hell, I'm not even there yet! I'm still in the part where we have to work our asses off to get by, where I can only get myself to write once or twice a week, where I have a small window for photography each day that I miss as often as I hit, where most nights I'm so tired that even reading sounds too taxing. I'm still at the part where the house and the family and the life that I crave is far enough away to seem impossible.
But I know I'll get there, I know we'll get there. And I know now what I want it to look like.
I love that picture. I'm proud of that picture.
And that's all that matters.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
My Mini-Vacation, Day 4.
What I did today:
[o] Futzed with more photographs
[o] Went to my Bux to hang out with people for a couple of hours
[o] Went to Hobby Lobby and dorked around a bit with AD
[o] Made dinner with Ryan (eggs and bacon, yum!_
[o] Attempted to make chocolate cupcakes....
We had the recipe for chocolate cupcakes, we had the ingredients for chocolate cupcakes, everything was peachy...until I went to add the brown sugar, and found that the container we kept it in wasn't even close to airtight, and the brown sugar had turned into rock candy. We chipped out enough to get the molasses flavor before giving up and substituting the rest with regular sugar, but the time it took changed the nature of the batter. So instead of chocolate cupcakes, we have cupcake-shaped fudge brownies. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not what I was going for. I'm a bit disappointed, as I was more in charge of this baking project than on previous ones, but again--fudge brownies. Not a bad thing.
I realized as I was baking, that I am a lucky fool. I'm a fool in that I had a childhood filled with cooking and baking, with my stepfather David doing his best to instill the love for it in me, and it just...never seemed to stick. I enjoyed the time spent with him in the kitchen, but I never had the inclination to do anything on my own. I've always felt guilty about that.
I'm lucky, first off, that I had someone in my life to plant that first seed, someone to coax and urge and gently push, even when I was a complete teenager about it. I am lucky, now, that I'm finally learning the joys of it, and that I again have someone to gently coax and urge and coach and push. Both of them have been extremely patient with my trepidation and second-guessing, firm about my doing it on my own without constant hand-holding or pampering, and encouraging of my successes without coddling. I have been spoiled with these presences in my life, and I couldn't be grateful or happy for it :)
This is the last day of my mini-vacation. I've spent most of it doing errands and chores; I cleaned up around the house, did dishes and endless loads of laundry, cooked and helped to cook, baked and helped to bake, caught up on correspondence, done the budgeting and planning and busywork to keep our teensy two-person "household" going...and I've enjoyed every second of it. It certainly helped that I still had the time to spend on art and socializing, and that I had my favorite person with me for half of it.
I'm looking forward to going back to work--I miss the people more than anything, but I also miss the barring and customer interaction to some weird degree. I blame the brainwashing. Still, it's been a lovely rest, and I can't wait until I get actual vacation time and can do this on a more regular basis!
[o] Futzed with more photographs
[o] Went to my Bux to hang out with people for a couple of hours
[o] Went to Hobby Lobby and dorked around a bit with AD
[o] Made dinner with Ryan (eggs and bacon, yum!_
[o] Attempted to make chocolate cupcakes....
We had the recipe for chocolate cupcakes, we had the ingredients for chocolate cupcakes, everything was peachy...until I went to add the brown sugar, and found that the container we kept it in wasn't even close to airtight, and the brown sugar had turned into rock candy. We chipped out enough to get the molasses flavor before giving up and substituting the rest with regular sugar, but the time it took changed the nature of the batter. So instead of chocolate cupcakes, we have cupcake-shaped fudge brownies. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not what I was going for. I'm a bit disappointed, as I was more in charge of this baking project than on previous ones, but again--fudge brownies. Not a bad thing.
I realized as I was baking, that I am a lucky fool. I'm a fool in that I had a childhood filled with cooking and baking, with my stepfather David doing his best to instill the love for it in me, and it just...never seemed to stick. I enjoyed the time spent with him in the kitchen, but I never had the inclination to do anything on my own. I've always felt guilty about that.
I'm lucky, first off, that I had someone in my life to plant that first seed, someone to coax and urge and gently push, even when I was a complete teenager about it. I am lucky, now, that I'm finally learning the joys of it, and that I again have someone to gently coax and urge and coach and push. Both of them have been extremely patient with my trepidation and second-guessing, firm about my doing it on my own without constant hand-holding or pampering, and encouraging of my successes without coddling. I have been spoiled with these presences in my life, and I couldn't be grateful or happy for it :)
This is the last day of my mini-vacation. I've spent most of it doing errands and chores; I cleaned up around the house, did dishes and endless loads of laundry, cooked and helped to cook, baked and helped to bake, caught up on correspondence, done the budgeting and planning and busywork to keep our teensy two-person "household" going...and I've enjoyed every second of it. It certainly helped that I still had the time to spend on art and socializing, and that I had my favorite person with me for half of it.
I'm looking forward to going back to work--I miss the people more than anything, but I also miss the barring and customer interaction to some weird degree. I blame the brainwashing. Still, it's been a lovely rest, and I can't wait until I get actual vacation time and can do this on a more regular basis!
Friday, February 4, 2011
My Mini-Vacation, Day 3.
Today I haaaaaaave
[o] picked up my prescription
[o] picked up Ryan's paycheck
[o] finished the week's grocery shopping
[o] went to the bank
[o] shipped a package
[o] finished writing and addressing thank you notes
[o] washed, dried, folded, sorted, and put away four loads of laundry
[o] rearranged the bedroom closet
[o] cleared out a lot of hoarded clutter
[o] broke down a gazillion cardboard boxes
[o] changed the bedding
[o] made dinner for Ryan and myself
[o] moved my favorite art photographs to my Mac so I could load them onto my iPad
I'm in the living room now, just finished that last task and will be hacking at an outline for On The/Running while, as usual for the past two days, Newsradio plays in the background. It might be hard to concentrate...I'm very tired, I had a big dinner to make up for missing lunch, and I might have had a delicious alcoholic beverage with that dinner....zzzzz.....
Tomorrow will hopefully be the social day of my little vacation, what with a couple of co-workers either visiting or wanting to hang out :) Either that or I'll write, or finally drag Ryan to the local pastry & coffee place, OR bang my head against my book some more.
....anyway! Right. Waking time. Writing time. Outlining time. Wheeeeee.....zzzzzz....
[o] picked up my prescription
[o] picked up Ryan's paycheck
[o] finished the week's grocery shopping
[o] went to the bank
[o] shipped a package
[o] finished writing and addressing thank you notes
[o] washed, dried, folded, sorted, and put away four loads of laundry
[o] rearranged the bedroom closet
[o] cleared out a lot of hoarded clutter
[o] broke down a gazillion cardboard boxes
[o] changed the bedding
[o] made dinner for Ryan and myself
[o] moved my favorite art photographs to my Mac so I could load them onto my iPad
I'm in the living room now, just finished that last task and will be hacking at an outline for On The/Running while, as usual for the past two days, Newsradio plays in the background. It might be hard to concentrate...I'm very tired, I had a big dinner to make up for missing lunch, and I might have had a delicious alcoholic beverage with that dinner....zzzzz.....
Tomorrow will hopefully be the social day of my little vacation, what with a couple of co-workers either visiting or wanting to hang out :) Either that or I'll write, or finally drag Ryan to the local pastry & coffee place, OR bang my head against my book some more.
....anyway! Right. Waking time. Writing time. Outlining time. Wheeeeee.....zzzzzz....
Thursday, February 3, 2011
My Mini-Vacation, Day 2.
[o] Got lots of sleep
[o] Saw Ryan off to work
[o] Had an extensive photo session in the living room involving jewelry, scarves, a filigree ring, and gorgeous early afternoon sunlight
[o] Spent several hours playing with resulting photographs, with Newsradio playing on Netflix in the background
[o] Lent my car to BJ when one of his tires died
[o] Spent the rest of the afternoon/evening until Ryan got home doing table-requiring busywork in the living room, with Newsradio* playing on XBox Live Netflix in the background
[o] Welcomed Ryan home, went out with him to get dinner
[o] Watched the end of Monsters, Inc while eating dinner
[o] Talked to Dad for almost two hours :)
[o] Ryan went out to fetch Sameh when one of her tires died
[o] Had cake with Ryan after he and Sameh returned
I'm currently poking around the internet, although I may return to the busywork-and-Netflix combination in a bit.
Tomorrow's list!
[o] Take Ryan to Indulgences, a local pastry and coffee shop that was very lovely the one time I visited. Very college-town independent, very nice.
[o] Go to Target to fetch Ryan's paycheck
[o] Go to the bank to deposit said paycheck
[o] Go back to Target to spend said paycheck
[o] Cry
[o] Buy a lottery ticket while Ryan's not looking
[o] Reorganize the bedroom closet
[o] Maybe go to Starbucks and write during the household-involving raid?
Saturday's only plan involves possibly visiting Starbucks while both coworker A is working and ex-coworker LeAnna is visiting, since I rarely see either of them. Sunday is back to work, with my schedule switched with Katie so she can be home in time to experience SUPERBOWL SUNDAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! [insert eye rolling here]
Right! Back to the...something.
*Yes, it's a sitcom, but it's Dave Foley and Phil Hartman at their very best, and I was so happy to find it all on Netflix :D Now if only they had Night Court...or Ed...
[o] Saw Ryan off to work
[o] Had an extensive photo session in the living room involving jewelry, scarves, a filigree ring, and gorgeous early afternoon sunlight
[o] Spent several hours playing with resulting photographs, with Newsradio playing on Netflix in the background
[o] Lent my car to BJ when one of his tires died
[o] Spent the rest of the afternoon/evening until Ryan got home doing table-requiring busywork in the living room, with Newsradio* playing on XBox Live Netflix in the background
[o] Welcomed Ryan home, went out with him to get dinner
[o] Watched the end of Monsters, Inc while eating dinner
[o] Talked to Dad for almost two hours :)
[o] Ryan went out to fetch Sameh when one of her tires died
[o] Had cake with Ryan after he and Sameh returned
I'm currently poking around the internet, although I may return to the busywork-and-Netflix combination in a bit.
Tomorrow's list!
[o] Take Ryan to Indulgences, a local pastry and coffee shop that was very lovely the one time I visited. Very college-town independent, very nice.
[o] Go to Target to fetch Ryan's paycheck
[o] Go to the bank to deposit said paycheck
[o] Go back to Target to spend said paycheck
[o] Cry
[o] Buy a lottery ticket while Ryan's not looking
[o] Reorganize the bedroom closet
[o] Maybe go to Starbucks and write during the household-involving raid?
Saturday's only plan involves possibly visiting Starbucks while both coworker A is working and ex-coworker LeAnna is visiting, since I rarely see either of them. Sunday is back to work, with my schedule switched with Katie so she can be home in time to experience SUPERBOWL SUNDAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! [insert eye rolling here]
Right! Back to the...something.
*Yes, it's a sitcom, but it's Dave Foley and Phil Hartman at their very best, and I was so happy to find it all on Netflix :D Now if only they had Night Court...or Ed...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
My Mini-Vacation, Day 1.
What I did today:
[o] Got nine hours of sleep
[o] Had sleep interrupted only once, by a text message from Boss Lady saying that all district stores were closed due to the snow. \^.^/ This means FOUR WHOLE DAYS OFF IN A ROWWWWW
[o] Sleeeeeept
[o] Made pancakes
[o] Shoveled out the cars
[o] Went to the grocery store with Sameh
[o] Cleaned out the fridge
[o] Made a cake with Ryan
[o] Helped Ryan make dinner (chicken in the same style I described a few nights ago)
[o] Watched Seven Pounds
It was a really, really good movie. If nothing else, it proves that Will Smith is one HELL of an actor; there were times that he literally looked like a different person from all the pain and suffering his character was going through. Stupendous movie. It will make you cry. It's sweet and touching and so freaking sad. G'ah.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do before I go to bed, so that movie isn't the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep. Cuz. G'ah.
[o] Got nine hours of sleep
[o] Had sleep interrupted only once, by a text message from Boss Lady saying that all district stores were closed due to the snow. \^.^/ This means FOUR WHOLE DAYS OFF IN A ROWWWWW
[o] Sleeeeeept
[o] Made pancakes
[o] Shoveled out the cars
[o] Went to the grocery store with Sameh
[o] Cleaned out the fridge
[o] Made a cake with Ryan
[o] Helped Ryan make dinner (chicken in the same style I described a few nights ago)
[o] Watched Seven Pounds
It was a really, really good movie. If nothing else, it proves that Will Smith is one HELL of an actor; there were times that he literally looked like a different person from all the pain and suffering his character was going through. Stupendous movie. It will make you cry. It's sweet and touching and so freaking sad. G'ah.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do before I go to bed, so that movie isn't the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep. Cuz. G'ah.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snowpocalypse!
All the Starbucks in the area closed at 4 today due to inclement weather. Ryan still had to go in to work t 4:30, but he called me just a little while ago (9ish) to say that Target let almost everyone go home. A whole hour early! Wow! >.<
I've spent the evening getting through desk clutter and minor to do items, all with Newsradio playing on Netflix in the background. :D
Tomorrow I work noon to six (if we haven't all been buried alive beneath the five foot drifts), then I have three days off! I did have a shift on Saturday, but Katie will be gone for a few weeks for surgery and is looking to pick up as many hours as possible until then, so...mini vacation for me! Plus it's a pre-closing shift, which is what I'll do doing the entire time she's gone, and I hate those, sooo yeah. :D
Ryan has just arrived home! Only took him twenty minutes or so, although he said the roads were mostly unplowed, and people couldn't decide between one or two lanes of traffic.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see if I can open the front door to the building. :D
I've spent the evening getting through desk clutter and minor to do items, all with Newsradio playing on Netflix in the background. :D
Tomorrow I work noon to six (if we haven't all been buried alive beneath the five foot drifts), then I have three days off! I did have a shift on Saturday, but Katie will be gone for a few weeks for surgery and is looking to pick up as many hours as possible until then, so...mini vacation for me! Plus it's a pre-closing shift, which is what I'll do doing the entire time she's gone, and I hate those, sooo yeah. :D
Ryan has just arrived home! Only took him twenty minutes or so, although he said the roads were mostly unplowed, and people couldn't decide between one or two lanes of traffic.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see if I can open the front door to the building. :D
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