How Many People Complain About Failing At Nerdery?

The following conversation happened last night via Facebook:

Ruth Johnson

I just love an audience when I'm all sweaty and gross because it's warm by the espresso machines and OH YEAH I'm barring through dozens of drinks as fast as I can. HAVING PEOPLE STARE AT ME MAKES IT SO MUCH FUNNER.

 ·  ·  · Share · 12 hours ago near Stafford Springs

• Dorita Reyen, Karen Grace Fenech and Catsy A Turre like this.
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    J Rose Konungrinn You should put up a sign at your spot that says "boiling coffee splash zone".

    12 hours ago · 
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    Catsy A Turre I feel your pain, really, I do... but.. Funner...?

    12 hours ago ·  ·  1
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    Ruth Johnson IT'S A WORD CUZ I SAID SO.

    12 hours ago ·  ·  2
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    Delete CommentMark as Spam

    Catsy A Turre I thought you were supposed to be more of a Grammar Nazi than me? XD

    12 hours ago · 
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    Ruth Johnson I'm starting to own not just labels, but my failure at meeting the requirement of these labels. I'm really bad at being a nerd girl, a grammar nazi, a hipster artist, etc etc despite possessing all the qualities that put my in those categories in the first place. I can't tell if it's ironic or meta or if it just makes me even more of a hipster.

    12 hours ago ·  ·  3

I kinda whipped up that last comment at the moment, but I've been realizing how true it is.

I wear gaming t-shirts and have a wish list of geek-themed accessories (Mario star earrings, companion cube necklace, etc), but I've barely played any video games. I played a couple of Super Marios on my Gameboy--an original one, the big gray brick, my first game player of any kind until I was gifted a Game Cube six or seven years ago. I've played through the Halos and the Half-Lifes. I've done multiplayer in games like Call of Duty and MarioKart. I've started Final Fantasy III and Pokemon: Diamond multiple times, only to get bored of the repetitive playing styles and quit. And, of course, I have a couple of mid- and high-level characters in World of Warcraft. But ask me anything about the mechanics of WoW, test my memory on the storyline in any of the Halo or Half-Life games, and I fail. I have a shirt from Dear Friends, a concert of Final Fantasy music that Ryan attended years ago and gave me a t-shirt from, and whenever I wear it in public I get a couple of people fanboy/fangirling over it...and I have to admit that I didn't actually go, and I wouldn't have truly appreciated it if I had.

I stopped pursuing the idea of being an copyeditor when I realized that I didn't know enough of the rules of grammar and syntax to really be good at it. I still get stuck on who/whom, lie/lay, affect/effect, etc etc. I still use "them" when referring to a single theoretical person*. If there existed a test to qualify for being a true grammar nerd, I am sure I would not pass it with flying colors. I may not fail it, but I wouldn't get a very high score, either.

If someone were to ask me what camera settings I use for my photography, or wanted to discuss great artists of any medium, I'd have no satisfactory response for them (*see). I'm winging it without technical knowledge or inspirational reference. And don't get me started on printing or framing, something I'll be doing in the next few days only with my father's help. I squeal over camera-themed accessories and half the things over at Photojojo, but I don't feel worthy of wearing or using them.

I feel like a poser. A fake. A fraud.

And whenever I try to study the little details that would, in my mind, legitimize my nerdgirl/grammar nerd/artist status--studying Strunk & White or my camera manual or WoW guides--it just doesn't work. Instead of sticking, all the information slides off my brain as if it were covered in Teflon. I can repeat, I can take notes, I can make cheat sheets, but nothing stays.

Why does it matter? Partly because I have issues that make me think I can't assert myself as a "real" nerd or photographer unless I'm Official Expert. Partly because I know that learning these things would help me enjoy the activities more. Knowing the mechanics and ratios in WoW would allow me to be a more active player, knowing how all the buttons and settings on my cameras work would lead to better art, etc.

Then, of course, there's the tie-in to my ongoing identity crisis where I want to feel solid behind the roles I want to play in my life and the values I want to stand behind...and to some people, nerd and artist may not be important parts of an identity. To me, they are, because I can feel they're part of who I am. But I'm failing at them (at least in my mind).

So...what to do?

Things I Am Thankful For:

(in no particular order)
-that I have a job
-that I really like my job and those I work with
-that Ryan found a job
-that Ryan found a job that probably won't make him miserable
-that both of our jobs offer health insurance
-that all my parents are (relatively) happy and (relatively) healthy
-that I have many friends in many states that remind me on a regular basis that I'm loved and accepted
-that I have a place to live and food to eat and gas to put in my car
-that we have a wedding to pay for
-and, now, money to plan it with!
-that Ryan and I are both making good changes to our life to be happier and healthier
-that tonight's meal went off without any crucial hitches
-that even my gray clouds have silver linings
:)

Chugging Away.

Love how last entry was titled "I'm Back, Baby!"...then a week and a half of silence...

The best and biggest news since I last wrote a blog post: Ryan got a job! After interviewing for three different First Niagara branches, he was hired as a part-time teller at the Storrs location, after an interview he was sure went badly. I won't go into the specific details of why him getting this job is awesome, but the general details are: good pay, benefits off the bat (including vacation and sick time starting in January), and he gets paid for two weeks of training before he ever starts.

He got the phone call from the HR woman after a morning of me poking our money spreadsheet and getting really anxious about finances, so I just about cried when he told me. Of course, then we had to go out and buy him a lot of business attire, which ain't cheap, but at least we can pay it off pretty quickly! Plus he loves to get all spiffed up, so he's all happy.

In other news, I've been working hard at changing my habits for the better. I've only had one "bad" meal a day for the past three days (as opposed to all of them being "bad"), the other meals being made up of whole grains or salads or yogurts or fruits, with lots of yogurt or fruit or hummus snacks when I get munchie. Last night I was left to my own devices to come up with dinner from the grocery store, something I'm not all that great terribly at, and I made myself a salad from the Stop & Shop salad bar, with lots of veggies (broccoli! peppers! tomatoes! even spinach!) and a couple of hard boiled eggs, and picked up a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette instead of ranch. Progress!

I've also been getting on my own back about exercising. After realizing that Ryan really had been keeping up with the exercise for a week straight, while I'd been sitting on my duff, I've gotten on the Wii Fit three out of the past four days; I gave myself yesterday off because I had to get up at 7 just to go to work, and my calves were killing me from my workout on Friday morning. Today was a little less enthusiastic, I'll admit, but my calves are still killing me, and I didn't sleep well last night...but I weighed in and did some yoga, so that's better than nothing!

My dad also gave me his old hula hoop, which is heavier and easier to use than most traditional hoops. It's fun! And there's juuuuust enough space in the living room for me to do it without breaking anything. Plus there's always outside...until temperature disallows.

So, yeah: money problems will soon be a thing of the past, we're both working hard at being healthy, and we have Ryan's birthday and Thanksgiving to look forward to this coming week. Whee!

I'm Back, Baby!

Two and a half weeks later, we've survived a snowstorm, 11 days without any power, heat, or running water, several days of dealing with other customers in similar situations at one of the only places in town with power and internet, and a two or three several-day-long runs between showers.

I don't want to say "It all really sucked," even though it did. I was cold from the moment I got home until halfway to work every day; we were showering at Ryan's father's house every couple of days; we only had the chance to do laundry there once, so I was wearing a lot of dirty clothes; I was brushing my teeth at work every morning; we were melting snow to flush the toilet; and finally, we missed the season premiere of Bones. The misery!

On the other hand, we were relatively lucky in that we had a couple of places to go to charge things and shower and feel warm for a little bit. Going to work was a definite lifesaver, most of the time. I say "most of the time" because by the last couple of days, I felt filthy and stupid and just...not human. I was a wreck. Mom got power back on Tuesday, so I was able to shower before work, and it made a huge difference. I didn't have to concentrate to remember which were the big lids or little lids, which coffee needed to be brewed, or if 8 was 5 plus 2 or 3.

...I'm not kidding, by the way. It was always that number, too; Sunday and Monday, every time I had to create 8 dollars in change, I had to think if I added one or two singles to the five. What the hell.


Ryan stayed surprisingly upbeat during the whole thing, especially once we borrowed the radio from Mom and he had music to fill the hours. We also did our best to be productive, which resulted in our little home being almost completely furnished and decorated to our hopes, something we thought would take a couple of months. I'd come home to find a few pictures hung up, or the kitchen organized, or the bookcase rearranged.

Of course, he also racked up over 30 hours in Final Fantasy V on his GameBoy DS, but whatever. It's not like I read through 5 books in as many nights or anything...

I am extremely proud of Ryan for his humor and optimism throughout the entire thing, especially as he was the worst off of the two of us. He had no job to go to for distraction, his favorite activities all require internet or at least electricity, and a combination of no running dehumidifier and several hours of smoky candles every night made him wheeze and cough and snore like you wouldn't believe.

The biggest difference this made to us, besides being pretty miserable for almost two weeks and spending way more on fast food than I would like to admit, is the diet. Ryan had planned on starting his cleanse, the first 10 days of his 100 day extreme diet, on Monday the 31st. Due to the fact that cleanses usually involve, you know, cleansing one's system, and we were resorting to flushing our toilet infrequently with melted snow (a toilet, I should add, that resides in a room with no windows to either let in light or let out smells), he decided to postpone the cleanse, for the sake of both our comfort and our relationship.

We finally got power back on Tuesday evening, and have been thoroughly enjoying it the past two days...even if we spent almost the entirety of Wednesday out of the house. We can watch TV! We can run the dehumidifier! We don't have to go to sleep at 10 just because we're bored! The amazement never ends!

Yesterday we bought $70 dollars of fruits and vegetables, last night he had his last soda (Coca-Cola), last beer (Stella Artois), and last pizza (Frank Pepe in Manchester, half sausage and peppers, half chicken and bacon), and today began The Cleanse. His breakfast was an Apple Pear smoothie, made with 2 apples, 2 pears, half a cup of grapes, a chunk of ginger, and some cinnamon. Pretty tasty! We also updated our Wii Fit Plus profiles to start fresh, and Ryan decided to do a run. He covered a little over three miles in half an hour, burning almost 350 calories! Color my impressed.

I am being a weenie and not doing a cleanse. It's party being a wimp over not wanting to eat only fruits and veggies for 10 days, and part is being concerned with how I'd fare at work. Besides, someone has to eat the leftover now-forbidden food left in the house, right?

On Sunday, the 20th, we'll start the next, biggest phase: 90 days following an almost vegan diet: no meat, no dairy, no processed food, no sugar, no caffeine, staying almost entirely to produce, whole grains, and legumes.

In the next 10 days, I'll be doing a combination of weaning and last hurrahs, getting in my last bits of favorite soon-to-be-off-limits foods while lessening the amount of fat, sugar, caffeine, and dairy I partake in each day. Have I mentioned where I work? Have I asked for many wishes of good luck?

Honestly, I am looking forward to it, to the challenge of it, the healthy habits we'll be learning, and the undoubtedly delicious creations Ryan will be whipping up for us with his new pantry.

I'll keep you posted!