Moar Sleep Nao?

Blargh. Exhausted. I need a day where I wake up naturally, no alarm clock, and maybe then I'll actually wake up feeling like I could take on the world, and not just want to crawl back under the covers. There's a NEW pattern going on, where I wake up after one cycle, almost exactly four hours after I fall asleep. Every night. BAH.

...Not much else to say right now. I'm tired. I haven't had the time to take pictures, so I haven't really had anything to edit or upload, which makes me unhappy. Still having a hard time with life in general, but I seem to be slowly heading uphill instead of down. Just keep swimmin'...

Deeeeenial.

I might have posted yesterday (Wednesday), but the day was sleeping in, getting breakfast, annoying eight hour shift, and awesome going-away-party thing for a shift from 933. I got to go drink with my old boss, my roommates, and three former co-workers. Who all have hilariously filthy minds and are huge nerds. WIN.

...although it did make me realize a bit what I'll be leaving behind when we move at the end of September. And it made me sad. I haven't really thought about it much...well, I've thought about the moving back, but more the logistics and money and less the people who aren't moving to Connecticut (i.e. everyone except Ryan and I). And I'll probably continue to not think about it, just more purposeful this time, since...yeah. Sad. :(

ANYWAY, it's my day off and I think it's time to wake the bear and get some good and get the day rollin'. Whee!

My Shingle Is Gathering Cobwebs...

I've slowed down on my photography lately, and I hate it. I got myself all excited in the first half of the year after I figured out that I wanted to be Artist and Homemaker, and I took the first steps to make that into an eventual reality. I opened a store! I put my work out there! Progress! Exciting!

...then no one bought anything.

I know that I can't expect to take off like a rocket, and just instantly start making enough to quit my day job and do what I love instead. But it still knocked me down a couple of pegs. I let myself dream too much, as I tend to do, and when it didn't come true immediately I panicked. I started thinking that if I took a million pictures, of the things that got the most responses on Facebook and Tumblr (aka pretty pretty flowers), maybe the exposure and attention would happen, and sales would follow. I even submitted my photoblog to a couple of directories and collections on Tumblr, hoping for a little bit of exposure that way.

But neither worked. I didn't get more attention, I didn't get "showcased"...if anything, response has dropped off. And I let it get to me, I let myself translate it into I'm Not Good Enough and I Should Keep Doing Flowers Eventually It HAS To Work! I've gotten ultra-critical (and I'm already my own worst critic) and afraid to try new or weird subjects.

You know what?

Fuck. That.

The 30 Day Photography Challenge has helped a bit (even when I'm behind a few days, like now), and I've been forcing myself to move from "That might be a cool picture" to "I'm going to try and capture that even though I'm in public and will get strange looks :D!" What with being a gentle weirdo and my recent penchant for dressing like a little kid, I think I can embrace the Eccentric Artist persona and be okay with the odd looks. It means I'm Doing It Right...right? ;)

I'm Currently Fan-Freaking-Tastic, Considering It's Nighttime...

Still here, although not all there.

I mentioned recently that I've been depressed; that timeline started around the middle of June. I've felt a bit better the past two weeks, which was either ironic or fitting since it directly coincided with the time of the month I'm usually much crabbier and harder to deal with, first with PMS and then with During-MS.

Then the past week, I've been bouncing--hard--between a bitch, a mope, or a complete spaz. Ryan's despaired of taking me shopping anywhere, even for groceries, and if I'm not working on something (be it barring, writing/planning, or photoediting), my mind is all over the place. Unless, of course, I'm snapping at someone or whimpering in a corner.

I'd really like to know where the hell I went. This isn't me. I have mood swings just as bad as the next girl, I have an entire steam trunk of issues, and I'm always a bit of a spazzy little weirdo, but this is whole other animal. It feels like back in June, someone opened up my skull, stuck in a wooden spoon, and had a fine time mixing it all up.

Something isn't right. And I fucking hate it.

Anyway, that's why I've been really horrible with everything...it's even reached blog posts and photo posts now. I hate making excuses, and I promise I'm not instead spending all my spare time being a sad sack, it's mostly just a lack of physical and mental energy, a hole in my memory, and an inability to keep my thoughts in a straight line.

Love you all. I'll be back eventually. All of me. I promise.

I'd Wish For Rain, But It's Come And Gone And Didn't Do Squat.

Really? I haven't updated since Tuesday? Sheesh. I blame the heat. It's melted my damn brain.

It is SO. FUCKING. HOT. Yes, I dropped the f-bomb, it is just that hot.

Weather.com warned us of a heat index between 110-115. My car read 105 when we first turned it on. We chatted briefly with the Post Woman on our way out, and she said the thermometers inside the postal trucks were reading 130.

Our apartment is pretty awful at night. During the day, not so bad as long as we leave the shades closed. At night, everyone gets home and turns on their computers and uses their ovens (well, maybe not), and we have apartments below us and behind us. Despite a few fans and adjusting of the AC, it's still 80 in here at it's best.

I used to love summer...but that was before it tried to kill me.

Razz'm Frazz'm.

Ugh. Today was about people being obnoxious.

We have a new Via out this week that we are supposed to sell as much as possible. I'm covering drive-thru while someone's on break. They order iced coffees with caramel, and the new via is Iced Caramel Via--seems like an easy sell, right?

Me: Hi there! Have you heard about our new promotion we have right now? *sell sell sell* AND today is the last day that we're giving away a free tall beverage if you buy a package, so your son's tall apple juice could be free!
Customer: Make one of my grande drinks free and it's a deal.
Me: ...Unnnfortunately, I'm not allowed to do that.
Customer's Wife: Wait, would this help you out, like, do you need to sell a certain amount?
Me: Yeah, actually, we're hoping to sell five more by the end of the night. *hopeful!*
Customer's Wife: Hmm...could we trade this for it? *holds up OPENED box of regular (not iced) Caramel Via*
Me: ...I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Customer's Wife: Okay. Never mind then.

ARGH. I'm sorry the FREE DRINK we're offering isn't good enough for you, and I'm sorry I'm not allowed to take an OPENED PACKAGE OF A DIFFERENT PRODUCT in exchange for something I just told you we have to SELL.

I'd say I want to know who ever told these people that they were better than anyone else...but oh wait. It's Starbucks. We probably did.

Also I had the giant metal ice scoop fall from the top of the ice machine onto my thumb. OW.

If you'll excuse me, it's time for dinner and True Blood and Torchwood...

Whee? I Guess?

Today I did laundry, baked cookies, worked an incredibly slow six hour shift, then went out and drank a bit with some co-workers to see off Zach (That Shift). It was more or less a good day...

...although what does it say that I enjoyed being told my cookies were great more than I did the socializing?

It's not that it was bad...just not what I was expecting, mostly because not everyone showed and it didn't last long and yeah. Probably mostly because I was tired.

Speaking of which, off to bed for me.

PS - Thank you again to those sending me love and support. You guys are all so awesome and wonderful....thank you <3