Pray, Cross Fingers, Put Out Candy, All That Good Stuff...

Today was a long one, although it helped me realize something: I don't necessarily want to leave where I am. I might have to, it might come down to I Go Or He Goes, but I do like it there, for the most part, and I can stand the things I don't like.

Of course, there's still Him to worry about. Trying to get my little ducks in little rows...and hoping he helps me without realizing it...

Tomorrow is the last Happy Hour, which promises to be horrendous. It's also my day pre-closing for That One, and although the closing shift is one of my favorite people to work with, he's also one to bury himself in the paperwork and pasty case and what not, so it'll mostly be just the two of us...pray for me?

At the moment, I'm listening to music and eating corned beef and potatoes and sipping at a White Russian. It's an interesting combination, but it seems to be doing the trick of keeping my mood up, despite the starches and alcohol. Just waiting for Ryan to get off of work at 11 and come on home, and then we can unwind and sleep. Ah, sleep...

It's Time To Start A Countdown...

I had a longer post made up relating a song that I'm really enjoying currently to my current work situation, but it was long and rambling, and I realized that it only made sense to me...and maybe Ryan and BJ. Suffice to say, the three of us caught most of a concert on TV last night, and Ryan bought me the concert CD for me today as an early birthday present (such a love), and one song in particular is matching up with realizations about stuff at work. This used to be a funhouse/But now it's full of evil clowns...

Anyway.

Yesterday and today were crazy at work, and I have no doubt that it will continue on through to Sunday. It might die down a bit after that...but only a bit. Summer has arrived at Starbucks, and its name this year is Mocha Coconut Frappucinno. Ugh.

Tomorrow will really be the hill to get over, as I have to work with the two people that make work a struggle. Wednesday, however...Wednesday is looking to be the perfect end of a long and difficult work week. Then I'll have my weekend, and I'm not going to think about how it'll start over again, I'm going to think about getting a hair cut and spending time with Ryan and with friends and RELAXING.

For now: dinner.

G'Duh?

Today was Errand and Chore Day. Most people hate this day of the week, I usually find it to be the best and most rewarding. What this says about my personality vs what this says about the other days in my week...hmmm...

Anyway: grocery store, bank, cleaning, laundry, blah blah blah. It's been nice. It's also been warm and sunny and just plain GORGEOUS, which always helps.

I've developed a new habit lately of taking a part of myself, a habit or a quirk or an instinctive reaction, and turning it over in my head and inspecting it and asking myself why do I do that? Through this, I've made two realizations the past week:

First, the backwards bullshit that is the fact that I've let the people who messed me up so badly back in middle school stay in my head and tell me lies...that I've given them power for the past, oh, 12 years. They hated me, laughed at me, mocked me, bullied me relentlessly...and I've given them power? When they're not even there anymore? THIS IS WRONG. Must fix.

Second, I'm allowed to be good at shit. A light bulb clicked on that I've always been afraid to acknowledge or act on the fact that, hey, I can take really good photographs. They're really good, and people really like them. Same with my writing. Putting it out there isn't stupid or naive, I'm not lying to myself when I think about trying to actually build my life around it. I'm allowed to be good at things.

The second is probably related to the first--one of the lies that got stuck in the gears was that I'm just another stupid worker ant, I can't be good at things--but they felt like two different light bulbs. Whatever. Good things to realize! Now to act on them...

Sometimes, A Girl Just Needs Some Girl Time.

I started off the day getting frustrated with various things, mostly looking into moving my iTunes library from one computer to another and Etsy shop stuff. I was pretty disgusted with life by the time Ryan got home around 1. He calmed me down and made me feel a lot better, then we leveled on WoW for a bit. It was my first time playing since Christmas, and it was good fun :)

The rest of the day was spent in Goshen with Aurelie, venting and eating and shopping and watching Whip It and just having a bit of a girl day. It was great. :)

Tomorrow might be a Ryan day, with small errands like grocery shopping and laundry and getting hair cuts, possibly ending with more friend time in the evening, depending on how stuff goes.

For now, I have a hunger headache, so I'm going to go feed myself. Night!

One Foot In Front Of The Other.

I did not post yesterday because I didn't know what to say. The day sucked for a number of reasons, but it left me truly speechless when I got the news that Zach was gone.

...

I will forever be awed by my family, and their capacity for strength and grace. From beginning to end, my cousins and aunt and uncle--the wife and in-laws of this man--have been stubbornly hopeful and optimistic without denying the truth of what was going on. They are amazing and incredible, and I love them very much.

Anything else I would try to say would just be stumblingly awkward and wallow-y, so I'm not going to try. All I'll say is that I'm sad, but I'm glad he's at peace, and my heart is with his family.

Life goes on.

I have the next two days off, and I need them. Leaving all personal things aside, work has been kinda awful. I'm not going to get into it, but just...ugh.

Life kinda sucks right now. But it goes on.

This too shall pass.

One Step At A Time...

Blargh. Tired.

Managed to get up today and work out a little bit! Set my alarm for ten, finally got up at five after...shower's on. Crawl back into bed for half an hour, then tried again. Ate some breakfast, then turned on the Wii Fit for the first time since last summer (200-something days, to be inexact). My weight has barely changed since then (it went up or down by 1.1 lbs, I forget which), but doing the "body check" tests and some of my old favorite activities showed me what has changed. Doing the soccer game (leaning back and forth to head-butt soccer balls and avoid cleats), my balance has improved (if only slightly). I've improved a surprising amount at the snowball fight game, which involves judgement and hand-eye coordination, the latter of which I more or less fail at in real life.

I did barely more than 10 minutes, but I felt the impact, then and all day. My first reaction was "I should start doing this every day!" The last time I tried jumping back into it, I ended up overdoing it, or something...I just remember feeling weak the last time I tried to do a full work out. So I'm going to keep doing a mild bit of exercise every other day all this week, and I'll see if I want to keep doing it every day next week.

Tomorrow is the Get Up Early and Art day. Current plan is to get up and haul the laptop to either 933 or Ireland and poke at things a bit. Hope it goes well!

Bits Of The Day.

[o] I subbed over at Ironwood today, and it was fantastic! Like a mini-vacation. I worked with Jen, a shift who was at 933 over the summer before getting transferred, one of my favorite people to work with EVER. I also worked with SAMEH, my awesome roommate, and it was inside jokes and nerdery all day! WHEE! I liked my job for the first time in at least a month!

[o] Tomorrow I start what will hopefully become a regular schedule of getting up early and alternatively working out or arting around before work. Tomorrow is a work out day. Wish me luck!

[o] Zach is still in hospice, and the doctors have given him only a day or two. I keep waiting for that awful phone call, and trying not to think about it. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks.

[o] Dinner time!