Moar Sleep Nao?

Blargh. Exhausted. I need a day where I wake up naturally, no alarm clock, and maybe then I'll actually wake up feeling like I could take on the world, and not just want to crawl back under the covers. There's a NEW pattern going on, where I wake up after one cycle, almost exactly four hours after I fall asleep. Every night. BAH.

...Not much else to say right now. I'm tired. I haven't had the time to take pictures, so I haven't really had anything to edit or upload, which makes me unhappy. Still having a hard time with life in general, but I seem to be slowly heading uphill instead of down. Just keep swimmin'...

Deeeeenial.

I might have posted yesterday (Wednesday), but the day was sleeping in, getting breakfast, annoying eight hour shift, and awesome going-away-party thing for a shift from 933. I got to go drink with my old boss, my roommates, and three former co-workers. Who all have hilariously filthy minds and are huge nerds. WIN.

...although it did make me realize a bit what I'll be leaving behind when we move at the end of September. And it made me sad. I haven't really thought about it much...well, I've thought about the moving back, but more the logistics and money and less the people who aren't moving to Connecticut (i.e. everyone except Ryan and I). And I'll probably continue to not think about it, just more purposeful this time, since...yeah. Sad. :(

ANYWAY, it's my day off and I think it's time to wake the bear and get some good and get the day rollin'. Whee!

My Shingle Is Gathering Cobwebs...

I've slowed down on my photography lately, and I hate it. I got myself all excited in the first half of the year after I figured out that I wanted to be Artist and Homemaker, and I took the first steps to make that into an eventual reality. I opened a store! I put my work out there! Progress! Exciting!

...then no one bought anything.

I know that I can't expect to take off like a rocket, and just instantly start making enough to quit my day job and do what I love instead. But it still knocked me down a couple of pegs. I let myself dream too much, as I tend to do, and when it didn't come true immediately I panicked. I started thinking that if I took a million pictures, of the things that got the most responses on Facebook and Tumblr (aka pretty pretty flowers), maybe the exposure and attention would happen, and sales would follow. I even submitted my photoblog to a couple of directories and collections on Tumblr, hoping for a little bit of exposure that way.

But neither worked. I didn't get more attention, I didn't get "showcased"...if anything, response has dropped off. And I let it get to me, I let myself translate it into I'm Not Good Enough and I Should Keep Doing Flowers Eventually It HAS To Work! I've gotten ultra-critical (and I'm already my own worst critic) and afraid to try new or weird subjects.

You know what?

Fuck. That.

The 30 Day Photography Challenge has helped a bit (even when I'm behind a few days, like now), and I've been forcing myself to move from "That might be a cool picture" to "I'm going to try and capture that even though I'm in public and will get strange looks :D!" What with being a gentle weirdo and my recent penchant for dressing like a little kid, I think I can embrace the Eccentric Artist persona and be okay with the odd looks. It means I'm Doing It Right...right? ;)

I'm Currently Fan-Freaking-Tastic, Considering It's Nighttime...

Still here, although not all there.

I mentioned recently that I've been depressed; that timeline started around the middle of June. I've felt a bit better the past two weeks, which was either ironic or fitting since it directly coincided with the time of the month I'm usually much crabbier and harder to deal with, first with PMS and then with During-MS.

Then the past week, I've been bouncing--hard--between a bitch, a mope, or a complete spaz. Ryan's despaired of taking me shopping anywhere, even for groceries, and if I'm not working on something (be it barring, writing/planning, or photoediting), my mind is all over the place. Unless, of course, I'm snapping at someone or whimpering in a corner.

I'd really like to know where the hell I went. This isn't me. I have mood swings just as bad as the next girl, I have an entire steam trunk of issues, and I'm always a bit of a spazzy little weirdo, but this is whole other animal. It feels like back in June, someone opened up my skull, stuck in a wooden spoon, and had a fine time mixing it all up.

Something isn't right. And I fucking hate it.

Anyway, that's why I've been really horrible with everything...it's even reached blog posts and photo posts now. I hate making excuses, and I promise I'm not instead spending all my spare time being a sad sack, it's mostly just a lack of physical and mental energy, a hole in my memory, and an inability to keep my thoughts in a straight line.

Love you all. I'll be back eventually. All of me. I promise.

I'd Wish For Rain, But It's Come And Gone And Didn't Do Squat.

Really? I haven't updated since Tuesday? Sheesh. I blame the heat. It's melted my damn brain.

It is SO. FUCKING. HOT. Yes, I dropped the f-bomb, it is just that hot.

Weather.com warned us of a heat index between 110-115. My car read 105 when we first turned it on. We chatted briefly with the Post Woman on our way out, and she said the thermometers inside the postal trucks were reading 130.

Our apartment is pretty awful at night. During the day, not so bad as long as we leave the shades closed. At night, everyone gets home and turns on their computers and uses their ovens (well, maybe not), and we have apartments below us and behind us. Despite a few fans and adjusting of the AC, it's still 80 in here at it's best.

I used to love summer...but that was before it tried to kill me.

Razz'm Frazz'm.

Ugh. Today was about people being obnoxious.

We have a new Via out this week that we are supposed to sell as much as possible. I'm covering drive-thru while someone's on break. They order iced coffees with caramel, and the new via is Iced Caramel Via--seems like an easy sell, right?

Me: Hi there! Have you heard about our new promotion we have right now? *sell sell sell* AND today is the last day that we're giving away a free tall beverage if you buy a package, so your son's tall apple juice could be free!
Customer: Make one of my grande drinks free and it's a deal.
Me: ...Unnnfortunately, I'm not allowed to do that.
Customer's Wife: Wait, would this help you out, like, do you need to sell a certain amount?
Me: Yeah, actually, we're hoping to sell five more by the end of the night. *hopeful!*
Customer's Wife: Hmm...could we trade this for it? *holds up OPENED box of regular (not iced) Caramel Via*
Me: ...I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Customer's Wife: Okay. Never mind then.

ARGH. I'm sorry the FREE DRINK we're offering isn't good enough for you, and I'm sorry I'm not allowed to take an OPENED PACKAGE OF A DIFFERENT PRODUCT in exchange for something I just told you we have to SELL.

I'd say I want to know who ever told these people that they were better than anyone else...but oh wait. It's Starbucks. We probably did.

Also I had the giant metal ice scoop fall from the top of the ice machine onto my thumb. OW.

If you'll excuse me, it's time for dinner and True Blood and Torchwood...

Whee? I Guess?

Today I did laundry, baked cookies, worked an incredibly slow six hour shift, then went out and drank a bit with some co-workers to see off Zach (That Shift). It was more or less a good day...

...although what does it say that I enjoyed being told my cookies were great more than I did the socializing?

It's not that it was bad...just not what I was expecting, mostly because not everyone showed and it didn't last long and yeah. Probably mostly because I was tired.

Speaking of which, off to bed for me.

PS - Thank you again to those sending me love and support. You guys are all so awesome and wonderful....thank you <3

Raw Ruth of Now.

Okay, you know what? It's time for the truth.

I haven't just been cranky. I mean, yes, I've been cranky, but that's not all. I've been depressed. Really depressed. Maddeningly depressed. It's like some evil hand reached into my head, cranked every negative dial it could find up WAY past 11, gassed the whole place with a dark blue funk cloud, put me on a hair trigger, and then left little remote control negativity bombs set to go off whenever I have a moment of idle thought.

I've been snapping at co-workers. I've been listless and beyond anti-social, the idea of doing simple chores feels immensely taxing and complicated. I've been crying...a lot. I can't honestly call them crying jags because they don't happen at random times all the time, but when they do happen it's out of my control. Phone calls have been just about out of the question, which I really hate...I promised myself after Connecticut that I WOULD be better and more regular with communication, with all my parents, and I WANT to be...but the energy just isn't there. I might hate that more than anything else.

Is life stressful right now? Yes. YEAH. Has been for a while, basically since we arrived here. This is not because of that stress. This is not because I'm miserable in Indiana and wish we were back in Connecticut. This is not because we're broke. This is not because I hate my job. None of these things is true (well...we ain't rich, but my point stands).

I'm honestly not sure why I'm suddenly overwhelmed by everything, why I feel so...miserable. I also don't really know how to make it stop. Ryan has been indispensable, and I'm trying to focus on happy things and doing what makes me feel better--reading, photography, etc. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't.

The reason I started this blog and moved from LiveJournal almost two years ago was so I could talk about my emotions honestly. I've never actually done that to the extent I had originally hoped...well, here it is.

I don't want worried calls or texts or e-mails--hell, I don't want worry, although I know from experience that's impossible. I won't lie and say I'm okay, because obviously that ain't the case, but I'm not about to hurt myself or crawl into a bottle of Kahlua or check myself into a hospital because I can't deal with anything anymore. I am dealing as best I can, and I know I will get through this, one way or another.

This depression has lasted almost a month. If September comes and I'm still this level of miserable, or worse, I will be visiting a doctor to get some kind of medication. It's not a good time to start seeing a therapist here in Indiana, but I do have one lined up in Connecticut. While I really do not want to go back on medication, the idea of feeling this way while moving back to Connecticut, settling back into the basement, starting at a new store, all without therapy...it's not a pleasant thought. As I said, though, I am dealing as best I can, and I have support.

I don't want anyone losing sleep if I don't update or call back or respond. I don't want anyone worrying about my health or my safety. But I don't want even worse ideas forming because I don't update or call back or respond, and I don't want anyone to think I'm not thinking or remembering them.

I just want to be honest.

Partayyyy?

Last night (that is, Wednesday night) was Emily's birthday thang. Started off in a pub near Notre Dame called O'Rourke's, then moved to Mitch's, the same place the Ben & Ruth Birthday Drinking Spree ended up back in May. I'll admit to enjoying a couple of drinks (including a caramel macchiato martini, how could I not?), but I spent most of the evening dishing with people way drunker than me, and watching a drunken birthday girl try to dance. It was a lot of fun!

Today...not so much. I mentioned in my last entry that I've been feeling cranky lately? Today was a bad day for it...and I'm not sure if it's weird or fitting that today was actually a pretty good day. I was up pretty late, but slept in and got plenty of lovely sleep. I tried my hand at baking snickerdoodles and am very proud of the results. I had some study time at Quincy's with Aurelie where we were actually productive, including re-outlining the first chapter to Found in a way that I feel really good about.

Of course, my mind guilted me for sleeping in so late (noon!), the snickerdoodles were for a house-warming party that I ended up feeling too crappy to go to, and I got incredibly mired in brainmuck trying to work on the second chapter. Hmph.

The day ended with a new episode of Futurama and ice cream, though, and I'm still very happy with my snickerdoodles, so...yay.

Ssssstuff?

I have been cranky and feeling mildly crappy for about two weeks now and I DON'T LIKE IT.

And when I say cranky, I mean CRANKY. The little things that might barely blip on the Annoyance Radar have me ready to rip someone's head off...and I've come really close to it on several occasions, when normally I just clam up and seethe in silence.

I've always tended toward a very short frustration fuse, but lately it's been almost nonexistent. I can go from fine to FUCKOFF in no time flat, and I hate it. I've always hated it, and I hate it even more now...which is funny, because do I hate the fact that it's shorter, or is my hating it caused by it being shorter? Whee!

And I'm exhausted and creaky, but what else is new.

I got tomorrow off, so I can go to Emily's birthday dinner. Thursday may be a surprise party for another friend, Saturday is Other Shift's last night before transferring and may end with a few of us going out to say goodbye.

Tomorrow's plan: writing/stuff in the morning and early afternoon, evening spent with Ryan, night spent with friends. Thursday is more Ryan time, probably errands and such. Friday I don't work until 4:30, so more Ryan time or possibly Aurelie time since she's back from her trip.

Next week's schedule is almost all closing, which is confusing since I almost always pre-close. Oh, except for Sunday, when I'm schedule as a mid...okay! o.O

Ummm what else what else...OH! I got up early with one mission today: Get to book store and buy new A Dance With Dragons, the new book in A Song Of Ice And Fire. :D I usually don't like hard covers, but there's no way I'd be able to wait the year or however long before it hit paperback. Plus it's pretty, has lovely maps on the inside of the covers, and I had a gift card from my birthday still, soooo....mine :D

Of course, I still have half of A Feast With Crows to finish first, but that's okay. I'll get through it fast enough.

And on that note...

Zzz?

I am so tired.

So. So. Tired.

Dinner is warming in the oven, then the household gathers for tonight's True Blood. Then I sleep for a million years.

Or until 9:30 AM so I can get to work by 11.

Amusing: My schedule for this past week originally had me at 32 hours. What with switching and subbing and staying for other people, I ended up at 38. Six of those were holiday pay. Ka-ching.

Now for the eating and the watching and the sleeping...oh the sleeping...

Woe Is Me, Day Off Decisions!

Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I spent most of the day driving Aurelie to Chicago to drop her off at the airport, got only a little lost (which is good for me!), and then drove home. That was my day.

This morning I was rudely awakened at 7 in the morning by a phone call from my store asking if I could come in for a few hours to cover someone. It was only until 12:30, so I figured what the hell. All I've done since getting home is get out of my work pants, and I'm still undecided as to what to do next.

I could...
[o] brave the mildly miserable heat and run around town taking pictures (meh, the sun is giving off not only heat but harsh light which is hard to edit for)
[o] go to a coffee shop and bang at writing things
[[o]] 933?
[[o]] Ireland?
[[o]] Quincy's?
[o] stay home and bang at things or bang at pictures or other computer stuff
[o] go someplace or stay home and read (less likely since I still have to make this book last four more days)
[o] stay home and bake
[o] wander around Barnes & Noble with what's left of my birthday gift card

Going out will almost definitely include erranding (gas, trip to bank, trip to P.O.), but beyond that I'm at a loss of where to go and what to do. Le sigh.

Plus It's Gorgeous Out. As A Topper.

[o] Slept in
[o] (but not too late!)
[o] Breakfast at 933, got to visit with people & get shoe advice from Aurelie
[o] Shoe shopping: success! Tried on a couple of pairs, ended up buying the exact same pair as Aurelie, which have lasted her over two years at Starbucks. Comfy, black, not ugly, slip-on, skid resistant.
[o] Pants shopping: lucky! Walked into JCPenny's, spy a pair of cargo khakis on a rack. They look too short...hold them up...perfect. Length. They're on sale! What size are they...MINE? Try on: PERFECTION. Got the exact pants I wanted, normally selling for over $40, for TEN BUCKS.
[o] Purse shopping: Got talked out of a new bag by Ryan and his awesome spatial knowledge. Being talked out of buying a thing I have an addiction to may not sound good, but it was helpful in a bunch of ways: no money spent, logic wielded in a way my brain can agree to, don't feel like maybe a different purse would work. Also helped me decide to use my damned lunchbox already, which will lead to healthier lunches at work!
[o] Grocery shopping: Got plenty of yum things and healthy things and things for tonight's dinner.
[o] Ice cream on the way home!
[o] Breakfast for dinner later on!
[o] Movie night with Ryan while fixing the damned comforter and duvet cover so it'll stop driving me crazy!
[o] GOOD DAMNED DAY! :D

Coulda Been Worse!

Today felt long. I got up at 10 and had an eight hour shift and it wasn't very busy and I was tiiirrreeedaaa.

But there were three of us closing and I have three days off in a row starting off with a day with Ryan going out shopping to get me new shoes and pants and sheeit. :D

Then a day of driving Aurelie to the airport in Chicago :D

Then a day of running around being a photo nerd and baking and catching up on stuff :D

For now: soup and getting the hell out of my work clothes.

...Really?!

Happy Independence Day! I celebrated by working. :D

Actually, my "celebration" was to be several cookies brought into work, a combination of chocolate and butterscotch chip, and M&M. I made a triple batch of cookie dough last night (the other third to be used for Rolo cookies for Ryan)...and it all went to hell. Every batch I tried melted into puddles that made me thankful I bought a baking sheet with a lip.

I thought: maybe the dough got too warm in the little kitchen with the oven going and the dishwasher going and I've been working at it forever, I'll pop it in the fridge overnight and get up early to bake them. Do so, go to bed, get up early, let it sit out for a while, first batch: MELT. >.< Google google google...this can happen with too little flour or too much sugar.

FUNNY STORY.

Ryan and BJ were hanging around the living room as I was putting the dough together, and BJ came in to get something from the fridge as I was counting in quarter cups of sugar. Chat chat chat, shovel shovel shovel, chat chat chat, shovel shovel....how many was that? ...CRAP.

Anyway, it took another too many batches, but I finally mixed in enough flour so the cookies actually fucking formed. Out of a triple batch of dough, I got...14 cookies.

>.<

Fortunately, they were good ones, with chocolate chips and M&Ms, and 14 was enough for me to eat a test one, share three each to my three awesome co-workers and myself, and save the last one for the co-worker who promised to visit and drop off some tiramisu.

Also during this morning's cookie adventure, I did four loads of laundry and a load of dishes, and somehow managed a hot shower despite being the last of four people to take a shower within a two hour span.

This is how I ended my day: I came home, took off my left shoe, attempted to take off my right shoe, and had to yank before it came off...and left a wad of insole stuck to my sock. Took out both insoles and found identical holes/major wearing patterns in both under my heels and big toes. Incidentally, my right heel has been hurting quite a bit lately. :D

It should be noted that these shoes have lasted me just over a year of intense use, and this is the first and only time I've had issues. New Balance is The Shit.

OH, then I went to change out of my work pants and tore a hole in the crotch. Not on a seam. Not fixable. Not possible to hide or ignore. It's my last pair of work pants (beside dress pants which I'll have to wear tomorrow and kinda hate). In the space of 15 minutes, I racked up almost $200 worth of work stuff I have to buy veryvery soon.

BEST DAY EVER.

Nature ALWAYS Wins.

Today started out pretty meh, but work made up for it in spades. Tomorrow looks to be a good day, Monday looks to be ker-awesome, Tuesday will most likely be normal, then I have three days off in a row...:D

I made cookies last night. First batch burned (but Ryan still loves them), second batch was just right, and the third batch had butterscotch chips mixed in, and they are redonkulous. Umnumnum.

It was extremely hot and humid all day, then rained a bit in the evening. Around 9 the sky turned this creepy yellow-green, but that cleared up, and it hasn't rained again yet despite the heavy, foreboding clouds all over the place.

I drove home watching the fireworks in some parts of the sky, and lightning in other parts. Nature wins, of course.

Off to soup and time with the man. Tomorrow is an earlier day, so bed before midnight...hopefully.