G'Duh?

Today was Errand and Chore Day. Most people hate this day of the week, I usually find it to be the best and most rewarding. What this says about my personality vs what this says about the other days in my week...hmmm...

Anyway: grocery store, bank, cleaning, laundry, blah blah blah. It's been nice. It's also been warm and sunny and just plain GORGEOUS, which always helps.

I've developed a new habit lately of taking a part of myself, a habit or a quirk or an instinctive reaction, and turning it over in my head and inspecting it and asking myself why do I do that? Through this, I've made two realizations the past week:

First, the backwards bullshit that is the fact that I've let the people who messed me up so badly back in middle school stay in my head and tell me lies...that I've given them power for the past, oh, 12 years. They hated me, laughed at me, mocked me, bullied me relentlessly...and I've given them power? When they're not even there anymore? THIS IS WRONG. Must fix.

Second, I'm allowed to be good at shit. A light bulb clicked on that I've always been afraid to acknowledge or act on the fact that, hey, I can take really good photographs. They're really good, and people really like them. Same with my writing. Putting it out there isn't stupid or naive, I'm not lying to myself when I think about trying to actually build my life around it. I'm allowed to be good at things.

The second is probably related to the first--one of the lies that got stuck in the gears was that I'm just another stupid worker ant, I can't be good at things--but they felt like two different light bulbs. Whatever. Good things to realize! Now to act on them...

At Least They've Gotten A Glimpse Of The Real, Awkward Me.

I didn't sleep well last night. More specifically, I didn't do very well at getting to sleep.

Ryan and I got up and went to my Starbucks. My new Starbucks. I figured that I would go and introduce myself and make a nice first impression and be a grown-up if it killed me.

I was so awkward. I recognized all three of the workers, but only one recognized me, and when I mentioned that I'd be there in less than two weeks they were completely surprised. I ordered and paid for our drinks before Ryan reminded me that we were also getting something to eat. I hate to admit to one of my soon-to-be-co-workers that I couldn't remember her name, and she didn't really let me know if I needed to tell her mine again or not. Then they were busyish with drive-thru and I had to leave without really getting a chance to get to know them.

G'AH.

We got home, and I got myself ready to bake some Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Muffins...only to discover that we didn't have enough chocolate chips. We had just enough time to run out and get some from CVS before Ryan had to go to work...then found that they don't sell chocolate chips at CVS. Every other thing you might need for baking stuffed in aisle, but not chocolate chips. So I got a couple big bars of Hershey Dark and went with it.

The evening was better. I baked the muffins, washed everything, then baked some cupcakes, and even ad-libbed with them! I didn't just make vanilla cupcakes, I made cinnamon sugar cupcakes. There would be maple frosting on them, but (a) we're out of confectioner's sugar, and (b) by the time I remembered the bowl of leftover icing in the fridge it was latish.

I exercised, which was extremely painful but rewarding. Roommates came home and we all vented and shared and stuff. Took a shower. Now I'm about to watch some Netflix in bed with Ryan. Feeling a little glum again about the transferring thing, but...*shrug*

The funny thing is, I've had two more things to post about here, but every day there's enough other stuff or not enough time. They're not big things, just...things worth posting.

One I can kinda put in a nutshell via a link: March Man Madness. It's weird and silly and random and you might not get it. There's not much to get, because it's weird and random, but...well, there it is.

The other thing will have to wait. For now, bed.

Less Flowing, More Pushing.

Yesterday and today's word counts...well, they suck. Straight up. Less than 200 yesterday, barely over that today. Both days, I only got writing time in on my 30-minute meal break and for a little bit before bed. Tonight, I had to get myself psyched up with good music in order to figure out how to fix a plot point that was just feeling stupid. Even with pump-up music, my energy and frustration levels are such that writing this story is a struggle.

It doesn't help that a new story idea popped into my head as I fell asleep last night. It's almost perfect in its completeness, its potential for scenes that demand my exact style, the hook rating. Today's breaks were mostly spent working on the Fail Abstract for that instead of the story in front of me, the one I've committed myself to finishing.

And I will finish it. I need to fully realize that the past two days have shown me not that I'm bad at this, not that this story is bad or badly done, but that I need to commit even further. I need to get up earlier, get to Starbucks hours before I'm supposed to start, and focus myself on writing instead of checking Facebook or catching up on comics or...anything else.

I can do this. I am good at this. I just need to get the hell out of my own way and do it already.

...ugh.