G'Duh?

Today was Errand and Chore Day. Most people hate this day of the week, I usually find it to be the best and most rewarding. What this says about my personality vs what this says about the other days in my week...hmmm...

Anyway: grocery store, bank, cleaning, laundry, blah blah blah. It's been nice. It's also been warm and sunny and just plain GORGEOUS, which always helps.

I've developed a new habit lately of taking a part of myself, a habit or a quirk or an instinctive reaction, and turning it over in my head and inspecting it and asking myself why do I do that? Through this, I've made two realizations the past week:

First, the backwards bullshit that is the fact that I've let the people who messed me up so badly back in middle school stay in my head and tell me lies...that I've given them power for the past, oh, 12 years. They hated me, laughed at me, mocked me, bullied me relentlessly...and I've given them power? When they're not even there anymore? THIS IS WRONG. Must fix.

Second, I'm allowed to be good at shit. A light bulb clicked on that I've always been afraid to acknowledge or act on the fact that, hey, I can take really good photographs. They're really good, and people really like them. Same with my writing. Putting it out there isn't stupid or naive, I'm not lying to myself when I think about trying to actually build my life around it. I'm allowed to be good at things.

The second is probably related to the first--one of the lies that got stuck in the gears was that I'm just another stupid worker ant, I can't be good at things--but they felt like two different light bulbs. Whatever. Good things to realize! Now to act on them...