There has been so much going on in my life since my last post. I have been stretching my skills and abilities, working hard on several projects, fighting hard battles with myself, and always learning. Hell, I walked on fire two weekends ago! I have so much I could write about!
...but that's not what I'm posting today.
I'm not sure if I believe in Fate or Destiny...I tend more toward the You Make Your Own Destiny side of things. I do believe that, sometimes, little things happen for a reason. You'll notice something on the side of the road, a song will come on the radio, a random stranger will say something that strikes you as relevant to your story, and it happens because you need to hear or see it.
Last week, for the first time in a few months, I felt like listening to my OneRepublic combination CD, with songs from both their albums. I'm not sure what compelled me to put it in, but I'm glad I did. Almost all of their songs make me feel better about life in general, or just plain make me happy. This song, however, is the one that has been leaping out of the speakers and jumping up and down on my head.
I was writing
Thinking with my long hand
Put pen to paper
Everything was sinking
Then you start to wonder
How you gonna handle me when I'm under
Sinking in the darkest sea
Everybody wants you to make it
It's all yours (uh huh)
Everybody wants you to take it
It's all yours (uh huh)
Everybody wants you to make it
It's all yours (uh huh)
Everybody wants you to take it
T-t-take it
Can you feel all the love?
Can you feel all the love?
Can you feel all the love?
Can you feel all the love?
Like it was made for you
Like it was made for you
Like it was made for you
It was made for you...
Tell me something
Something that can move me
Don't tell me lies
Or I swear you're gonna lose me
Didn't like the notion
Jealous of the fish
It feeds your devotion
Swimming inside of me
Everybody wants you to make it (Can you feel all the love?)
It's all yours (uh huh)
Everybody wants you to take it (Can you feel all the love?)
It's all yours (uh huh)
Everybody wants you to make it (Can you feel all the love?)
It's all yours (uh huh)
Everybody wants you to take it (Can you feel all the love,)
Like it was made for you
Like it was made for you
Like it was made for you
It was made for you...
(Song on YouTube)
I'll admit, I'm not 100% sure of what's going on in the verses, lyric-wise. I think it's a writer struggling with the inner insecurities that many creatives have, the worries that "it" won't happen, whatever "it" means for each person.
It's the bridge and chorus that I care about. I have listened to this song so many times over the past week, trying to nail that sucker of a message home: Everybody wants you to make it, everybody wants you to take the chance...feel the love, it was made for you.
I'm not proud of it, but I can be very delicate, and have been even moreso over the past two months. I'll be in a fine mood, even a great mood, and then one little thing will set me off, and I'll sink into tears or temper. Doesn't help that I have this habit of anthropomorphizing every single thing in existence, so when an object doesn't stay where I put it, or jumps out to trip me, or doesn't hang right, or whatever, it feels like a personal slight.
I live on the edge of frustration, and it sometimes feels like Something is pushing me over that edge on purpose. I usually accuse the Universe of being that Something, of not wanting me to keep going in the direction I was heading, of sidetracking me with annoyance and frustration. This song's message is one that I need to take in and glue to my insides.
The Universe is not out to get me; it wants me to be happy.
My friends, my family, and the Universe all want me to succeed.
This is hard lesson to learn, to hold on to.
I am trying.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
*Boom*
So. I made a post about making some new rules and moving my life along.
Then everything exploded.
On February 27th, I found out that a dear friend, one I’ve known online for almost ten years, committed suicide in August. Three weeks later, I am still being hit with waves of grief, regret, sorrow, and shock. The fact that I found out almost exactly a year after my first big loss in Uncle Bill, the day before his memorial, just adds to the weight of it on my heart. She was a gorgeous soul, and I currently can’t talk about her too much without getting upset, so, as I’m at work, this will be all on that subject for the time being.
On March 2nd, I decided to withdraw from my classes and basically leave school for the foreseeable future.
A period of depression and anxiety that swept through in February, classes that were a combination of unchallenging and needlessly complicated, and the news about my friend all took a toll on my attendance and willingness to just plow through. A meeting with an Eastern advisor that did not go exactly as planned was the nail in the coffin for this semester, and school in general.
I started at Manchester Community in the fall semester of 2004. I’ve gone through four majors, five and a half years, eight semesters, almost 30 classes, and 84 credits.
Subjects that first gave me a thrill—new! exciting! creative! fun! challenging!—somehow became just another set of classes to slog through to get the biscuit at the end. The question is—was it the subjects, the classes, the teachers, or me?
If I went class by class, I could answer that question, but I’m more interested in the overall arc of my trip through secondary education. I keep skipping about from one interest to another. Graphic design…art…web design…writing…editing…marketing…hell, even accounting still holds some appeal, if only I could get my head around numbers (As Ryan pointed out, with my math skills, I’d make me accounting clients very happy…until we all got arrested). Whenever I think I’ve settled down on something, I get distracted by something else. This could possibly be worked around, but not without some finesse and planning.
When I met with the transfer advisor at ECSU, I told her about all my interests, and my curiosity with the individualized major. She took what I told her and outlined a possible plan—a major in Digital Art & Design, with minors in English and Business. This path would take three and a half years—one semester would be comprised solely of General Education Requirements.
All through MCC, I was led to believe that getting an Associates would automatically check off the general stuff, and all but guarantee that I would enter any four-year college as a junior, only needing to take classes in my major.
Now, maybe I misunderstood what I was told; I am willing to admit that. What I took away from that meeting was not that someone on one side or the other had made a mistake; it was that I was being thrown a much different clump of information than I was expecting. After years of getting through for the sake of getting through, a month of barely having the energy for uninspiring classes, and only two days after receiving a horrible bombshell on the anniversary of the biggest loss I’d yet suffered, it was just too much. Something had to give, and the choice came down to school or my sanity.
I promise, if this sounds melodramatic, that I am not exaggerating the stress and sense of calamity that I have been living through for the past three weeks. If anything, I am downplaying it. The first week of March, for the only time in my life, I was stressed to the point of nausea, spending more time ready to throw up than anything else. My sleep has suffered, and all the areas of my body that usually respond to stress—my skin, my feet, my shoulders—have all been miserable.
To say that this was an easy decision would be a complete lie. The fact is, however, that it was not one that took a long time to make. I won’t say that it was hastily made, but I won’t say that it was drawn out, either. Honestly, I spent more time worrying about my parents’ reactions than I did about wether or not it was a good idea.
While this complicates things, drastically changes plans, and otherwise throws a giant wrench in the machine of my life…this feels right.
What it comes down to is this: As it is, I have spent enough time and money on college, pursuing different paths. I won’t call it a waste, as I have learned a great deal, and I even got an Associates out of it—in a subject I enjoy, and may even end up pursuing! However, after so many years and so much shit, it feels like going any further, with my mind the way it is, would be a waste. Of money, of time, of energy…of everything.
I don’t know what I want, and it just doesn’t feel right to marry one subject when I can’t commit fully, or to even just “love the one I’m with,” going for a business degree that might only be two years just to get a diploma in something. It feels, in fact, completely wrong.
There is more, much more, but I have once again let a post run quite long, and I've been hacking away at this one for the better part of two hours. Apologies if this is ending on an abrupt note, but it's either that or let it keep rambling forever. I promise, more is to come, and soon.
Then everything exploded.
On February 27th, I found out that a dear friend, one I’ve known online for almost ten years, committed suicide in August. Three weeks later, I am still being hit with waves of grief, regret, sorrow, and shock. The fact that I found out almost exactly a year after my first big loss in Uncle Bill, the day before his memorial, just adds to the weight of it on my heart. She was a gorgeous soul, and I currently can’t talk about her too much without getting upset, so, as I’m at work, this will be all on that subject for the time being.
On March 2nd, I decided to withdraw from my classes and basically leave school for the foreseeable future.
A period of depression and anxiety that swept through in February, classes that were a combination of unchallenging and needlessly complicated, and the news about my friend all took a toll on my attendance and willingness to just plow through. A meeting with an Eastern advisor that did not go exactly as planned was the nail in the coffin for this semester, and school in general.
I started at Manchester Community in the fall semester of 2004. I’ve gone through four majors, five and a half years, eight semesters, almost 30 classes, and 84 credits.
Subjects that first gave me a thrill—new! exciting! creative! fun! challenging!—somehow became just another set of classes to slog through to get the biscuit at the end. The question is—was it the subjects, the classes, the teachers, or me?
If I went class by class, I could answer that question, but I’m more interested in the overall arc of my trip through secondary education. I keep skipping about from one interest to another. Graphic design…art…web design…writing…editing…marketing…hell, even accounting still holds some appeal, if only I could get my head around numbers (As Ryan pointed out, with my math skills, I’d make me accounting clients very happy…until we all got arrested). Whenever I think I’ve settled down on something, I get distracted by something else. This could possibly be worked around, but not without some finesse and planning.
When I met with the transfer advisor at ECSU, I told her about all my interests, and my curiosity with the individualized major. She took what I told her and outlined a possible plan—a major in Digital Art & Design, with minors in English and Business. This path would take three and a half years—one semester would be comprised solely of General Education Requirements.
All through MCC, I was led to believe that getting an Associates would automatically check off the general stuff, and all but guarantee that I would enter any four-year college as a junior, only needing to take classes in my major.
Now, maybe I misunderstood what I was told; I am willing to admit that. What I took away from that meeting was not that someone on one side or the other had made a mistake; it was that I was being thrown a much different clump of information than I was expecting. After years of getting through for the sake of getting through, a month of barely having the energy for uninspiring classes, and only two days after receiving a horrible bombshell on the anniversary of the biggest loss I’d yet suffered, it was just too much. Something had to give, and the choice came down to school or my sanity.
I promise, if this sounds melodramatic, that I am not exaggerating the stress and sense of calamity that I have been living through for the past three weeks. If anything, I am downplaying it. The first week of March, for the only time in my life, I was stressed to the point of nausea, spending more time ready to throw up than anything else. My sleep has suffered, and all the areas of my body that usually respond to stress—my skin, my feet, my shoulders—have all been miserable.
To say that this was an easy decision would be a complete lie. The fact is, however, that it was not one that took a long time to make. I won’t say that it was hastily made, but I won’t say that it was drawn out, either. Honestly, I spent more time worrying about my parents’ reactions than I did about wether or not it was a good idea.
While this complicates things, drastically changes plans, and otherwise throws a giant wrench in the machine of my life…this feels right.
What it comes down to is this: As it is, I have spent enough time and money on college, pursuing different paths. I won’t call it a waste, as I have learned a great deal, and I even got an Associates out of it—in a subject I enjoy, and may even end up pursuing! However, after so many years and so much shit, it feels like going any further, with my mind the way it is, would be a waste. Of money, of time, of energy…of everything.
I don’t know what I want, and it just doesn’t feel right to marry one subject when I can’t commit fully, or to even just “love the one I’m with,” going for a business degree that might only be two years just to get a diploma in something. It feels, in fact, completely wrong.
There is more, much more, but I have once again let a post run quite long, and I've been hacking away at this one for the better part of two hours. Apologies if this is ending on an abrupt note, but it's either that or let it keep rambling forever. I promise, more is to come, and soon.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
What What's Goin' On Means
As mentioned in my previous post, a week ago I gave myself a good verbal thumping. The law, it was laid down. After a stern lecture, comforting words, and reassuring hug, I made up some new rules for myself. Though they are few, they are important, and they are as follows:
[o] When I get up in the morning, no World of Warcraft until some exercise has occurred. It could be a handful of pushups, it could be an hour-long strength-training routine, but it will happen. I may soon further the restriction to just plain no internet until exercising. We shall see.
[o] Around 11, take a melatonin or some chamomile tea, and start winding down for bed. Get offline at midnight or soon after.
[o] Alarm is set for 9 a.m. every day (except Saturday, when I have work at 7 and need to get up at 6). If I don’t get to sleep until later, or the quality of sleep is severely lacking, move the alarm down to 10:30, but no later.
Hopefully the combination of early to bed and early to rise will swing my sleep schedule back to what I want it to be, which is not 3 a.m. to sometime past noon.
[o] Start the process of getting my life moving. Apply to Eastern (done on Tuesday!), put together a resume, start for either a second job or a new job.
I love Curves, but it’s becoming too comfortable, in too many ways to get into. Not to mention, I currently have fewer than 15 hours a week, and make barely over $200 a month. At the moment, I’m lucky enough to not have a lot of expenses to worry about. This will not always be the case, and I need to get myself into a job with more responsibilities at least, if not more of a future. Also, I have no savings to speak of, and that’s just unacceptable.
[o] Amp up the social. During this past funk, the only personal interaction I had, outside of work and school, was my weekly dinner with my father. This is simply not enough—hell, Dad would even agree! I am going to make a serious attempt to have more breakfasts with my mother, more lunches with friends, and try to find another meal in there somewhere with Dad. Will this be easy, with my complicated schedule? A-no. Will it be worth it, in terms of laughter, communication, support, love, and overall good times? Hell. Yes.
As I said, not many rules, but I’m working very hard at following them. Sadly, this week has so far not worked out according to plan. The shitty weather and minor health issues have combined their efforts to drain me of energy, both mental and physical, and yesterday was the first one this week where I actually worked out (although I did Body Test Monday and Tuesday to keep up an accurate record of measurements). I didn’t go to class Monday or Tuesday, either. While I did have a few hours of work on Monday, I left an hour early with an uneasy stomach. That same stomach deprived me of decent sleep for three nights in a row (although Tuesday night was definitely better than previous nights), and only really settled down Wednesday morning.
I won’t call this week a bust, because there’s still two days left before the weekend, which should be nice. Today I have work, see my therapist, and have my first and only class for the week; tomorrow I have work, dinner with my father (the first in two weeks), and possibly see an art show my friend has put together in Windham. Saturday, Ryan and I celebrate our two-year anniversary*. Sunday is a memorial for my Uncle Bill, who died a year ago—with my family, it promises to be lovely, with fun and laughter among the tears and memories.
While the rest of the week is not guaranteed to be wonderful, it is neither guaranteed to be lousy, and I must remember that.
*Ryan’s and my anniversary is, officially, February 29th, a.k.a. Leap Day. That is my fault. I thought it was cute at the time, and I’ll have to live with it. Last year we celebrated on March 1st, as my father’s birthday is the 28th and taking that day to celebrate would be just a wee bit selfish. This year, March 1st is a Monday, which includes class for me, and one Justin’s weekly visits and an important raid for Ryan. So: Saturday the 27th.
There we go. My new rules, and too much background to go with them. The usual for me.
I like this posting-multiple-days-in-a-row thing, maybe I’ll see how long I can keep it up...
[o] When I get up in the morning, no World of Warcraft until some exercise has occurred. It could be a handful of pushups, it could be an hour-long strength-training routine, but it will happen. I may soon further the restriction to just plain no internet until exercising. We shall see.
[o] Around 11, take a melatonin or some chamomile tea, and start winding down for bed. Get offline at midnight or soon after.
[o] Alarm is set for 9 a.m. every day (except Saturday, when I have work at 7 and need to get up at 6). If I don’t get to sleep until later, or the quality of sleep is severely lacking, move the alarm down to 10:30, but no later.
Hopefully the combination of early to bed and early to rise will swing my sleep schedule back to what I want it to be, which is not 3 a.m. to sometime past noon.
[o] Start the process of getting my life moving. Apply to Eastern (done on Tuesday!), put together a resume, start for either a second job or a new job.
I love Curves, but it’s becoming too comfortable, in too many ways to get into. Not to mention, I currently have fewer than 15 hours a week, and make barely over $200 a month. At the moment, I’m lucky enough to not have a lot of expenses to worry about. This will not always be the case, and I need to get myself into a job with more responsibilities at least, if not more of a future. Also, I have no savings to speak of, and that’s just unacceptable.
[o] Amp up the social. During this past funk, the only personal interaction I had, outside of work and school, was my weekly dinner with my father. This is simply not enough—hell, Dad would even agree! I am going to make a serious attempt to have more breakfasts with my mother, more lunches with friends, and try to find another meal in there somewhere with Dad. Will this be easy, with my complicated schedule? A-no. Will it be worth it, in terms of laughter, communication, support, love, and overall good times? Hell. Yes.
As I said, not many rules, but I’m working very hard at following them. Sadly, this week has so far not worked out according to plan. The shitty weather and minor health issues have combined their efforts to drain me of energy, both mental and physical, and yesterday was the first one this week where I actually worked out (although I did Body Test Monday and Tuesday to keep up an accurate record of measurements). I didn’t go to class Monday or Tuesday, either. While I did have a few hours of work on Monday, I left an hour early with an uneasy stomach. That same stomach deprived me of decent sleep for three nights in a row (although Tuesday night was definitely better than previous nights), and only really settled down Wednesday morning.
I won’t call this week a bust, because there’s still two days left before the weekend, which should be nice. Today I have work, see my therapist, and have my first and only class for the week; tomorrow I have work, dinner with my father (the first in two weeks), and possibly see an art show my friend has put together in Windham. Saturday, Ryan and I celebrate our two-year anniversary*. Sunday is a memorial for my Uncle Bill, who died a year ago—with my family, it promises to be lovely, with fun and laughter among the tears and memories.
While the rest of the week is not guaranteed to be wonderful, it is neither guaranteed to be lousy, and I must remember that.
*Ryan’s and my anniversary is, officially, February 29th, a.k.a. Leap Day. That is my fault. I thought it was cute at the time, and I’ll have to live with it. Last year we celebrated on March 1st, as my father’s birthday is the 28th and taking that day to celebrate would be just a wee bit selfish. This year, March 1st is a Monday, which includes class for me, and one Justin’s weekly visits and an important raid for Ryan. So: Saturday the 27th.
There we go. My new rules, and too much background to go with them. The usual for me.
I like this posting-multiple-days-in-a-row thing, maybe I’ll see how long I can keep it up...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
What Else Is Goin' On, 2/24/10 Edition
What else is going on with me:
…well, winter just won’t die, if that’s anything new. Looking back over the past, oh, 24 winters of my life, I’m fairly confident in making a self-diagnosis of SAD—Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every year, when spring rolls around, I get this blast of Happy and I feel like I can do anything—this is partly due to spring, yes, and partly due to the fact that the prior season left me feeling like I can do nothing, and that’s perfectly fine, I’ll just curl up on the couch and stare at a screen and turn into a spud, thanks.
To revel in the negative for a moment: I’m sick of being cold, I’m sick of wearing layers, I’m sick of frost-heaving back roads, I’m sick of dry skin and of small cuts never healing, I’m sick of wet socks and pant hems, I’m sick of hat-tangled hair, and I’m sick of having to deal with all off it whenever I want to leave the house. SICK. OF ALL OF IT. DONE.
*Ahem*
On a positive note, I actually have been more physically active in the past month and a half than in a long time. The day after Christmas, with Christmas money, I went out and bought a Wii Fit Plus. Ryan and I currently have Justin’s Wii on semi-permanent loan, so all I had to buy was the game and board, yay!
It’s been a slow, stuttering start, but I’ve been using the thing more days of the week than not. When I first recorded my information, the game gave me a BMI reading in the lower ends of overweight. In the past two weeks, measuring almost every day, I’ve been hitting normal more and more often (weight can fluctuate two pounds from day to day, just due to food intake or other factors). My current goal is to lose a very modest five pounds by March 10th, and I’m making slow but sure progress.
The best part is the fact that I’m changing. My body shape is slowly but surely changing, my waist and belly getting subtly smaller. My muscles are growing, both in size and number, most notably in my thighs and calves. Exercises that used to knock me out don’t hurt quite as much as they used to—they still do, trust me, but less so!
I am getting stronger and healthier, and it feels fantastic.
On a geekier note: I’ve become even more of a WoW nerd. I hit 80 with my Blood Elf Mage, and I’ve spent the past two weeks gearing up, getting my rotation down, creating macros, fine-tuning my stats, and learning raids. I’ve also been making friends in the guild, since I can actually run dungeons and raids with them without it being a welfare-run to get me desperately needed gear or badges.
…to translate: I hit the cool part of the game, and it’s meant being geekier and more social. Yay!
Still, even with that, and the working out, this season has been getting me down. I have been in a pretty annoying funk for most of this month. For a small while, I was having really annoying and upsetting mood swings—I’d go from pleasant to enraged at the drop of hat. Literally, I’d go to place a hat, and it’d fall, and I’d get spitting-mad-frustrated. Or something wouldn’t close or open properly, or I’d bump into something, or any number of small, stupid things that would set me off for no reason other than You’re Not Doing What I Asked Of You, Stupid Object.
Fortunately, that seems to have scaled down by a large amount, so I’m in a much calmer funk. Hooray.
Overall, I’d love to blame the weather and the season entirely for the rut, but that wouldn’t be entirely fair. Part of it has just been me.
Last Thursday, I had work from 10 to 2 while the boss had a business meeting. I had a few hours to myself, just me and the computer, in the slowest part of the day. The funk had been deepening as the week went on, so I was feeling pretty crappy. In a rare moment of I don’t even know what, I opened up a notepad and started yelling at myself. I gave myself a damned good talking to about feeling sorry for myself, and not doing anything about it, and sitting on my butt, and so on.
This has again grown long, so tomorrow I’ll post the aftermath: my new set of rules for Getting Off My Butt, Literally & Figuratively.
…well, winter just won’t die, if that’s anything new. Looking back over the past, oh, 24 winters of my life, I’m fairly confident in making a self-diagnosis of SAD—Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every year, when spring rolls around, I get this blast of Happy and I feel like I can do anything—this is partly due to spring, yes, and partly due to the fact that the prior season left me feeling like I can do nothing, and that’s perfectly fine, I’ll just curl up on the couch and stare at a screen and turn into a spud, thanks.
To revel in the negative for a moment: I’m sick of being cold, I’m sick of wearing layers, I’m sick of frost-heaving back roads, I’m sick of dry skin and of small cuts never healing, I’m sick of wet socks and pant hems, I’m sick of hat-tangled hair, and I’m sick of having to deal with all off it whenever I want to leave the house. SICK. OF ALL OF IT. DONE.
*Ahem*
On a positive note, I actually have been more physically active in the past month and a half than in a long time. The day after Christmas, with Christmas money, I went out and bought a Wii Fit Plus. Ryan and I currently have Justin’s Wii on semi-permanent loan, so all I had to buy was the game and board, yay!
It’s been a slow, stuttering start, but I’ve been using the thing more days of the week than not. When I first recorded my information, the game gave me a BMI reading in the lower ends of overweight. In the past two weeks, measuring almost every day, I’ve been hitting normal more and more often (weight can fluctuate two pounds from day to day, just due to food intake or other factors). My current goal is to lose a very modest five pounds by March 10th, and I’m making slow but sure progress.
The best part is the fact that I’m changing. My body shape is slowly but surely changing, my waist and belly getting subtly smaller. My muscles are growing, both in size and number, most notably in my thighs and calves. Exercises that used to knock me out don’t hurt quite as much as they used to—they still do, trust me, but less so!
I am getting stronger and healthier, and it feels fantastic.
On a geekier note: I’ve become even more of a WoW nerd. I hit 80 with my Blood Elf Mage, and I’ve spent the past two weeks gearing up, getting my rotation down, creating macros, fine-tuning my stats, and learning raids. I’ve also been making friends in the guild, since I can actually run dungeons and raids with them without it being a welfare-run to get me desperately needed gear or badges.
…to translate: I hit the cool part of the game, and it’s meant being geekier and more social. Yay!
Still, even with that, and the working out, this season has been getting me down. I have been in a pretty annoying funk for most of this month. For a small while, I was having really annoying and upsetting mood swings—I’d go from pleasant to enraged at the drop of hat. Literally, I’d go to place a hat, and it’d fall, and I’d get spitting-mad-frustrated. Or something wouldn’t close or open properly, or I’d bump into something, or any number of small, stupid things that would set me off for no reason other than You’re Not Doing What I Asked Of You, Stupid Object.
Fortunately, that seems to have scaled down by a large amount, so I’m in a much calmer funk. Hooray.
Overall, I’d love to blame the weather and the season entirely for the rut, but that wouldn’t be entirely fair. Part of it has just been me.
Last Thursday, I had work from 10 to 2 while the boss had a business meeting. I had a few hours to myself, just me and the computer, in the slowest part of the day. The funk had been deepening as the week went on, so I was feeling pretty crappy. In a rare moment of I don’t even know what, I opened up a notepad and started yelling at myself. I gave myself a damned good talking to about feeling sorry for myself, and not doing anything about it, and sitting on my butt, and so on.
This has again grown long, so tomorrow I’ll post the aftermath: my new set of rules for Getting Off My Butt, Literally & Figuratively.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What's Goin' On, 2/23/10 Edition
I started writing this last month, before the current semester had even started. Opened it again today, and had to edit it a bit. At any rate, this is my life right now:
WORK
Work is…the same. I’m not working Monday nights anymore, my schedule is just Fridays from 11-12-1ish to closing (when I start depends on the day), and Saturday from open to close. I find that I actually really miss working on Monday nights. In theory, the same regulars that work out that night work out on Friday night, so it should be the same. Except for two things: first, I work a longer day on Friday, so by the time they come in I’m ready to go home; second, it’s the end of the week, and they’re feeling the same way. I’m seeing way less of my favorite regulars, and I’m just feeling…apathetic toward work in general.
Although: last week and this week, I’ve gotten some more hours, due to my boss having outside obligations. There’s a chance I may start working on a weekday again, at least for a few hours before class. I’m kinda hoping—both for money, and for Time Out Of The House That’s Not Class.
I’ve also been doing housecleaning for my mom, who has big back problems and can’t do as much as she used to. Of course, I say I’ve been doing it, but I’ve only done one day of it. Weather, school, and lack of energy have made it rather difficult to get over there with enough time to be actually useful. But I’m trying!
SCHOOL
The reason I’m no longer working Monday nights is because of my classes: only available times for the two classes I need* are at night, MW from 6 to 9, TR from 7 to 10. Shoot me now.
*I actually have three classes left in the program, but Graphic Design filled up insanely quickly (I blame the way the computer set up the registration, but that’s a rant I won’t start).
Which leads me to the next school sub-topic: The Next Step. This has been a bit of a saga the past month.
I was looking at the colleges in the area (namely UConn and ECSU), focusing on the availability of three areas: Marketing, Editing, and Graphic Design. UConn has an official Marketing degree, enough classes for me to throw together an Editing degree through an Individualized Major, and the same deal for Graphic Design (there is a “Communications Design” major, but (a) it’s less graphic and more all-around design, and (b) the admission requirements are out of my reach). ECSU has a Visual Design minor, and enough classes for me to make a Marketing Individualized Major, but that’s it. So UConn looked to be winning.
Then this semester started, with the Advanced Computer Graphics class. Very first class period, we watched a short movie on a digital artist named Bert Monroy. This short blew my mind, and had me scraping my jaw off the floor. The digital paintings this man does are ridiculous, in terms of beauty, detail, and staggering talent. That picture on the front page of the web site? That’s not a photograph, that’s a painting, made entirely in Illustrator and Photoshop. Ridiculous.
That short got my mind working, and I did another poke at UConn and ECSU for anything involving digital media. Somehow, on my first search, I had missed the Digital Art and Design concentration at ECSU; reading it over, I fell in love. With the classes, with the program as a whole, and, thanks to alumnus Ryan, with the college.
Just this morning, not half an hour ago, I pulled together enough energy to do the Online Application - Transfer on the ECSU Online Services page. Thought I’d fill out as much as I could, and find out what else would needed to be done to actually apply.
Next thing I know, it’s saying I’m all done and hit this button to send it off. So I did. Surprisingly fast and easy, and I’m actually feeling a little dizzy because of it. It appears that all I have left to do is fetch my high school and MCC transcripts and send them off, and I’m set.
I’ve applied to college. … Eek!
Funny side note: There was a College Transfer Fair at MCC two weeks ago, and I popped by it to grab some material off the ECSU table. One of these materials was a postcard to send in asking for more information on a given major. One of the blanks to fill in on the postcard, along with name and address and college and what-have-you, was credits earned thus far. I went to my online MCC transcript to find out.
I have 84 credits. After this semester, I will have 90. 90 mothereffing credits. Every one earned at Manchester Community College.
I NEED TO MOVE ON ALREADY.
This has gotten a bit long, so I shall save the rest of the post (What Else Is Goin’ On, 2/24/10 Edition) for tomorrow.
WORK
Work is…the same. I’m not working Monday nights anymore, my schedule is just Fridays from 11-12-1ish to closing (when I start depends on the day), and Saturday from open to close. I find that I actually really miss working on Monday nights. In theory, the same regulars that work out that night work out on Friday night, so it should be the same. Except for two things: first, I work a longer day on Friday, so by the time they come in I’m ready to go home; second, it’s the end of the week, and they’re feeling the same way. I’m seeing way less of my favorite regulars, and I’m just feeling…apathetic toward work in general.
Although: last week and this week, I’ve gotten some more hours, due to my boss having outside obligations. There’s a chance I may start working on a weekday again, at least for a few hours before class. I’m kinda hoping—both for money, and for Time Out Of The House That’s Not Class.
I’ve also been doing housecleaning for my mom, who has big back problems and can’t do as much as she used to. Of course, I say I’ve been doing it, but I’ve only done one day of it. Weather, school, and lack of energy have made it rather difficult to get over there with enough time to be actually useful. But I’m trying!
SCHOOL
The reason I’m no longer working Monday nights is because of my classes: only available times for the two classes I need* are at night, MW from 6 to 9, TR from 7 to 10. Shoot me now.
*I actually have three classes left in the program, but Graphic Design filled up insanely quickly (I blame the way the computer set up the registration, but that’s a rant I won’t start).
Which leads me to the next school sub-topic: The Next Step. This has been a bit of a saga the past month.
I was looking at the colleges in the area (namely UConn and ECSU), focusing on the availability of three areas: Marketing, Editing, and Graphic Design. UConn has an official Marketing degree, enough classes for me to throw together an Editing degree through an Individualized Major, and the same deal for Graphic Design (there is a “Communications Design” major, but (a) it’s less graphic and more all-around design, and (b) the admission requirements are out of my reach). ECSU has a Visual Design minor, and enough classes for me to make a Marketing Individualized Major, but that’s it. So UConn looked to be winning.
Then this semester started, with the Advanced Computer Graphics class. Very first class period, we watched a short movie on a digital artist named Bert Monroy. This short blew my mind, and had me scraping my jaw off the floor. The digital paintings this man does are ridiculous, in terms of beauty, detail, and staggering talent. That picture on the front page of the web site? That’s not a photograph, that’s a painting, made entirely in Illustrator and Photoshop. Ridiculous.
That short got my mind working, and I did another poke at UConn and ECSU for anything involving digital media. Somehow, on my first search, I had missed the Digital Art and Design concentration at ECSU; reading it over, I fell in love. With the classes, with the program as a whole, and, thanks to alumnus Ryan, with the college.
Just this morning, not half an hour ago, I pulled together enough energy to do the Online Application - Transfer on the ECSU Online Services page. Thought I’d fill out as much as I could, and find out what else would needed to be done to actually apply.
Next thing I know, it’s saying I’m all done and hit this button to send it off. So I did. Surprisingly fast and easy, and I’m actually feeling a little dizzy because of it. It appears that all I have left to do is fetch my high school and MCC transcripts and send them off, and I’m set.
I’ve applied to college. … Eek!
Funny side note: There was a College Transfer Fair at MCC two weeks ago, and I popped by it to grab some material off the ECSU table. One of these materials was a postcard to send in asking for more information on a given major. One of the blanks to fill in on the postcard, along with name and address and college and what-have-you, was credits earned thus far. I went to my online MCC transcript to find out.
I have 84 credits. After this semester, I will have 90. 90 mothereffing credits. Every one earned at Manchester Community College.
I NEED TO MOVE ON ALREADY.
This has gotten a bit long, so I shall save the rest of the post (What Else Is Goin’ On, 2/24/10 Edition) for tomorrow.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Let's See How I Do.
I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, tapping away at my laptop, trying to put together a New Year’s Resolutions post.
I’ve also been metabolizing the 12 ounces of energy drink I managed to down in just over 20 minutes on a half-empty stomach.
The post is a bit all over the place. So let me try and sum it up:
This year, I want to improve my follow-through. There have been many, many instances in my life of having Super Awesome Idea that never gets played out. Either I bog myself down with second-guessing or dreaming up possible obstacles, or I get distracted and forget about it until I’ve lost the initial energy that accompanied the idea in the first place. All of these things are bad, and all of them need to stop.
This Follow-Through Program would encompass the following list of things I’ve wanted to do:
[o] Putting together something to self-publish, either on lulu.com or magcloud.com or something similar. The “something” would include my photography, Dad’s photography, or my writing, or any combination thereof.
[o] Finally kick-starting the motor on the “Dad project,” which would put his music (and photography?) online to be listened to, spread around, and purchased. How fast this moves depends on what the upcoming semester looks like, but I am feeling hopeful and optimistic.
[o] Commit to writing. Fiction, private journalling, public journalling, blogging on interesting subjects, anything. I have been having an outrageously hard time setting aside a chunk of time wherein I will force myself to go someplace with nothing but my laptop, a notebook, and my cell phone. Buckling down is required, and I am enlisting Ryan’s help in this.
[o] Seriously think out all the half-baked business ideas floating around in my head. I plan on posting at least a few of them here, whether or not they ever come to fruition. Admittedly, most of them involve excuses to do things I like with friends. Hey, whatever works.
There is also a Decision Making Program that is currently underway, and basically is just me picking a damned school and a double-damned major already. I don’t count this as a New Year’s Resolution thing because I’ve been fussing over the decisions for the past few months, so it’s neither new nor restricted to 2010. I’ve thrown in the bonus monkey wrench of considering Graphic Design as a major, which has both narrowed down the college decision and complicated the “major decision” (hur hur).
I’d say that I’d keep this blog updated with this, but I think I’d be rehashing a lot of what I’ve already ranted about in the as-of-yet-unfinished Achtung! series of posts. Most likely, I will do at least one more rehashing, so you’ll have that to look forward to!
So, there you go. My post on New Year’s Resolutions. All one and a half of them. Wish me luck?
I’ve also been metabolizing the 12 ounces of energy drink I managed to down in just over 20 minutes on a half-empty stomach.
The post is a bit all over the place. So let me try and sum it up:
This year, I want to improve my follow-through. There have been many, many instances in my life of having Super Awesome Idea that never gets played out. Either I bog myself down with second-guessing or dreaming up possible obstacles, or I get distracted and forget about it until I’ve lost the initial energy that accompanied the idea in the first place. All of these things are bad, and all of them need to stop.
This Follow-Through Program would encompass the following list of things I’ve wanted to do:
[o] Putting together something to self-publish, either on lulu.com or magcloud.com or something similar. The “something” would include my photography, Dad’s photography, or my writing, or any combination thereof.
[o] Finally kick-starting the motor on the “Dad project,” which would put his music (and photography?) online to be listened to, spread around, and purchased. How fast this moves depends on what the upcoming semester looks like, but I am feeling hopeful and optimistic.
[o] Commit to writing. Fiction, private journalling, public journalling, blogging on interesting subjects, anything. I have been having an outrageously hard time setting aside a chunk of time wherein I will force myself to go someplace with nothing but my laptop, a notebook, and my cell phone. Buckling down is required, and I am enlisting Ryan’s help in this.
[o] Seriously think out all the half-baked business ideas floating around in my head. I plan on posting at least a few of them here, whether or not they ever come to fruition. Admittedly, most of them involve excuses to do things I like with friends. Hey, whatever works.
There is also a Decision Making Program that is currently underway, and basically is just me picking a damned school and a double-damned major already. I don’t count this as a New Year’s Resolution thing because I’ve been fussing over the decisions for the past few months, so it’s neither new nor restricted to 2010. I’ve thrown in the bonus monkey wrench of considering Graphic Design as a major, which has both narrowed down the college decision and complicated the “major decision” (hur hur).
I’d say that I’d keep this blog updated with this, but I think I’d be rehashing a lot of what I’ve already ranted about in the as-of-yet-unfinished Achtung! series of posts. Most likely, I will do at least one more rehashing, so you’ll have that to look forward to!
So, there you go. My post on New Year’s Resolutions. All one and a half of them. Wish me luck?
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