.....Ergh.

If you look at my word count at nanowrimo.org, you will see a number. 17,896. It's a nice number. It's a large number.

Unfortunately, it's a lie.

When I opened my laptop today, I did not have 17,896 words in my novel file. I had, and have, 16,880.

The other 1,016?
Eaten be evil elves.
Swallowed by sinister spies.
Deleted by diabolical devils.
Gone.

I discovered this on my first ten minute break of my six hour shift--shorter because of the two-hour Holiday Meeting about the new holiday merchandise, how to create World Class Service that means Just Saying Yes when the customer starts making a fuss, and how We The Partners are so Very Important and that's why we move you around like pawns without Those Inconvenient Emotions--and almost broke into tears. I had to hold my breath and concentrate for much longer than I'd like to admit. I also had to resist throwing my cell phone at the wall.

It's not a hard scene to rewrite. The part I liked best about it, I remember quite well. Hell, the rest of it will probably come out better this time around.

It's the time lost. It's the elation gone. It's the bubble busted.

My mother commented a few posts back, suggesting that I abandon the word count if it was causing me grief. I'll be honest, the word count is important to me--but it's not what my aim is. It's just a way of measuring my novel so I can participate with the community of other writers who are attempting this challenge. My aim is to finish a book, whether it's 50K, 80K, or 30K.

But finishing it isn't just about finishing a book. It's about finishing a book. It's about knowing that I did it, knowing that I Worked Hard and Finished Something.

It's the finished product, and the finishing.

Both of which are made that much harder when a thousand words are consumed by conniving....connivers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I still have quite a bit of this day left to drown in this glass of wine...

Good ol' Seth.

As a response to this post about emotions and refusing to hide the mega-crush I have on my boyfriend, my father sent me this quote (underlines original, bolding mine):

Dogmas or systems of thought that tell you to rise above your emotions can be misleading -- even, in your terms, somewhat dangerous. Such theories are based upon the concept that there is something innately disruptive, base, or wrong in man’s emotional nature, while the soul is always depicted as being calm, perfect, passive and unfeeling. Only the most lofty, blissful awareness is allowed. Yet the soul is above all a fountain of energy, creativity, and action that shows its characteristics in life precisely through the ever-changing emotions. Trusted, your feelings will lead you to psychological and spiritual states of mystic understanding, calm, and peacefulness. Followed, your emotions will lead you to deep understandings...

(Quote from one of the Conversations with Seth books. Dad's a big fan.)

[UPDATE: Thursday, October 22, ~7 PM.]

Another response, another e-mail from my Dad. This is a horoscope for this week.

"He who loves 50 people has 50 woes," said Buddha. "He who loves no one has no woes." Even if you agree with this sour observation, I urge you to override the warning it implies. Now, more than ever, you can and should attract rich benefits into your life by expanding the frontiers of your empathy -- even if it means you will feel the hurts of others more deeply. And what exactly are those rich benefits? Here's one: Getting close-up views of the ways people suffer will help you avoid suffering like that yourself in the future.

(Link.)

Dad sends me this site's horoscopes from time to time, and they're always as FREAKILY RELEVANT as this one. Maybe I should start subscribing, so I'll know what I'll be thinking ahead of time...