The Blogger Hath Returned!

I'm back! And alive. And less weird. Well....no, scratch that last part.

I'm currently in my home store (933 will ALWAYS BE MY HOME STORE), just settling in for a few hours of heavy duty thinking. I have a lot of it to do: stories, marketing, moving, wedding, LIFE. I'm armed with a notebook, a journal, the laptop, my printed copy of Found, and a tumbler filled with a Grande Vanilla Chai Half The Chai No Water No Foam Scoop of Protein.

I WORK AT STARBUCKS.

(No, really, the scoop of protein makes it creamy and a little eggnog-tasting-ish. It's delicous.)

Plus two of my faaaaaavorite people are working, so yay for that :D

Work is the same, except for when it's not. We have three new people--not one, not two, but THREE--and they're all reading or training or barring or ringing at different times, sometimes all at the same time on the same day. Oh, and there's two new shifts going through their training, and one not-as-new-but-still-new-ish shift being trained on closing instead of opening...and yesterday had ALL OF THEM DOING IT AT ONCE. Six people training in different things at more or less the same time...oy.

There's not a whole lot else going on...most of the excitement in my life is centered around either other people, with life throwing them opportunities and challenges, or A Song of Ice and Fire, which has swallowed me whole and will get stuck in my head for hours just as well as any song.

Now, off to the LISTS and STUFF, but I'll leave you with some scribblings I just found in my notebook, something that will make a certain parent pretty happy...


If I

Maybe if I broke the inky silence
with a dull light
of humanity
night wouldn't feel so closed

Maybe if I lived
instead of existing
plodding through
someone would hear the footsteps

Maybe i I prayed
in the moment
and not years later
I would see through the distance

Maybe if I loved
that spark of humanity
with a little more of myself,
not yours,
it would light

Maybe
if I stopped
it would finally happen


Prayer Stones

Burning embers
embedded in the ceiling
pressed by my hand
scarring my faith into my fingers

so every meal
every ritual
every turn
bears your weight

embossed in my palm
your proof, your belonging
your words in my tongue

collecting together
like marbles,
leaves,
raindrops,
burning stones
embedded in the ceiling


800 Miles

The tunnel of nighttime
carved out by my headlights
stretches for miles
hours
days

you are farther away
than 800 miles

you are a heartbreak away
a broken promise away
a drastic decision

I carry the weight
of that distance
slumping my shoulders

every step
is one million too short

every day
is not enough
closer

I wish you were closer

the tunnel
of my headlights
the days ahead to you
just stretches on
and on
and on

Not A Good Time For Blogging...

...it's not that I'm having a hard time right now. It's just that my head is all over the place, and most of the places aren't great for blog material. I'm not depressed or anxious or anything that needs worrying about, I'm just...weird.

But I'm alive. So. You know. That's good.

I'll return sometime soon. Promise.

Things Are Looking Up!...Mostly!

My apologies for lack of updates. This week has just been workworkwork, hustling to get through to my days off...which start TODAY! Ahhhh blisssss...

...of course, this day off started with waking up at 7, when Ryan did, and not being able to get back asleep for almost an hour. After a short night of really crappy sleep. Fortunately I managed to get a good snooze from 8 to 9:30, and now I'm up!

I'm loading up my thumb drive with some pictures, and heading out to FedEx to get a big ol' print done for my friends Rachel and Alex. They got married the weekend before the Connecticut trip, and our present to them is poster of one of my prints (this one, to be exact), which they picked out. :D Have to get it to them today before they pack up and move on Saturday! Shortly before the wedding, Alex got a really good job, and they've spent the past three weeks preparing to move from his parent's house to their own place in Michigan. I'm so excited for them!!

The rest of the day depends on how much energy I have after visiting to drop it off and say goodbye. As I said, crap sleep, up early, blah blah blah.

I've been mildly slacking on some aspects of what I lovingly refer to as the Ruthenium Empire. I'll admit that this slacking is due to a few personal failings; namely, that I'm exhausted, that I've been in a PMS-induced Crank Mood for the past three days, and that I'm getting all self-pitying over the lack of response. I'm trying to figure out how to get more interest going...I started the 30 Day Challenge, and I got a surprisingly fast and thorough response when I put it to a vote over what to do with the gap in posts...but I'm still having a hard time keeping up with it. I've thought about starting a blog that's solely writing about my photography--talking about where I went, the conditions, learning experiences, etc--but I'm not sure I'd get an audience. I suppose I could attempt it on a mini scale on Twitter, but I'm not sure that's the right platform for it.

In short, I'm lost, I'm wallowing in a bit of self-pity, and I'm not in the best mindset. And I'm probably over-thinking all of it.

I just have so many dreams...;)

Anyway, off I go to print and visit and whee!

Thank You.

I want to use today's post to say thank you.

Thank you to my dad, who put up with crappy roads, rude customers, bad tippers, dark rainy nights, and obnoxious co-workers delivering pizza for many years to make a home for us; sometimes he would take me along, and I'd sit in the warm car, reading while he was fetching or delivering pizzas, listening to music and talking. He showed me hard work, sacrificing for your family, making the best of a bad situation, and pride in your job, no matter how shitty.

My dad would pick me up after school and take me to nature paths, and almost never let me sit in the car and read like I wanted. At the very least, he'd require me to walk down to the stream or up to the top and find a rock there to read on, and more often than not I ended up liking it (although try getting me to admit it!). He showed me the quiet and noise and peace and beauty of nature, that it was worth getting out of the damned car, no matter how comfy.

Neither last nor least, my dad tried to show me photography. He showed me the camera, and tried to tell and show me how it worked. This was in the muddle of my teenage years (no, that's not a typo), and I couldn't even be gracious about it. I didn't pretend to like it, and when he finally asked me if I cared, I told him honestly: no. I remember that day, that moment, and I've felt guilty ever since. I don't know if I've ever apologized for it, but I'll do it now, on the internet, and I'll say it again when next we meet: Dad, I'm sorry I hurt you and that I was such a fucking teenager about it.

Because even without the training you tried to give me, I have fallen in love with photography, to the point where it's What I Want To Do. I fought it for so long, out of stubbornness and a stupid pride, the kind that children have just so their parents can't be right. Well, I'm saying it now, on the internet, and I'll say it again in person when next we meet: you were right, Dad. You were always right, and I will always credit you for this passion of mine.

Thank you to my stepfather, David, who came into my life and became a part of it when he didn't have to. You taught me how to ride a bike (twice, I think), you helped me with my schoolwork, made sure I did my chores and helped with the prep for the parties.

And what parties! Scavenger hunts across the whole backyard, riddles and mysteries, cavemen and kings and snooty French waiters, wizards and gorillas and clowns and traps and towers. My friends still talk about those parties; a few still have the styrofoam weapons you fashioned for them. You never let me just sit and let the party be made up and done for me, and you never let the party be a boring one. You taught me about doing your fair share, and about having fun.

Thank you for trying to teach me about cooking, then and now. I've never been as resistant to it as I was to photography, but I've never had an easy time making it stick, either. Still, the times I've spent in a kitchen with you, talking about life, about the science of what we were cooking, about everything, are counted among my best memories.

Thank you, to my father and my stepfather, to all my parents, for making me who I am, for all the lessons you taught me, whether I learned them willingly or not. Thank you for your efforts, for your support, for your love, all of it unconditional. I love you all so very, very much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Check Your Apron!

Interesting tidbit of the day: A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter from our insurance. I had NOT A BILL all over it, but also told me that I owed Memorial Medical Center $xx.xx for my clinic visit back in January. The clinic visit I already paid for...in March. The amount on the statement didn't even match the amount I had owed and paid.

I went over to my banking website, took screenshots of the deposited check I sent to Memorial, and sat back to wait for the actual bill to come in.

Today I got mail from Memorial.

It was a check. For $13.44. The exact difference between the March check and June statement.

.....hooookay. I'll be giving them a call come Monday!

Today at work wasn't too bad (That One didn't work). The biggest problems were the boredom at the end of my shift, and the new person. The new person is fine, she's learning at a good rate and can already help out on cold bar. Really, the only issues are (a) I'm a bad teacher and not very helpful for new people, and (b) she keeps calling frappucinnos frappes.

In case I haven't mentioned before in this blog, WE HATE THAT. McDonald's has frappes, we have frappucinnos. Bad enough that customers get them mixed up, if a partner starts mixing up the terms, it's going to confuse the customers and have the rest of us writhing on the floor in agony.

...Seriously. Go order a frappe and try to watch everyone within earshot. I guarantee that at least one eyelid is going to twitch.

There's not much else going on right now. I'm extremely tired and in need of food. Until tomorrow...

There's So Many More Details...

SO. MUCH. GOING ON. OR TO DO. BLARGH.

[o] I started the 30 Day Creativity Challenge June 1st, and almost immediately fell behind. Then the trip happened. I'm a full 10 days behind, with no ideas for the ones I've missed. At this point I have a few options: (a) Remove what I've put up from the Facebook page and start over on July 1st (I'm fond of following months); (b) Pick up where I left off, pretending today is Day 7 instead of Day 16; (c) Scrap the whole thing and run away.

I'm not going to go with (c). Despite my college career (or because of it?), I'm unfond of dropping things I've only just started because they've gotten complicated. Option (a) gives me more time to plan, but I'm not sure if planning is really the point of the challenge. Of course, the point of the original challenge was drawing, which makes capturing each day's assignment a lot easier than photography does, so maybe I'm allowed to give myself some loopholes? I'd be happy putting it up to a vote for my followers, but I'm unsure of the amount of response I'd get.

[o] I have over 170 pictures to go through and edit. This makes me unbelievably happy, but it also requires time, and today is the first of seven days of work before my next day off. Two of those days will be six hour shifts, which will help, but those days will also have Moose & Shark Time, which obviously takes away from Editing Time. I'll figure it out, but in the meantime I feel mildly overwhelmed with the pressure I put on myself to put up at least one picture a day. It shouldn't be hard to keep up with, but I wonder if it's enough to keep people interested, should I put up more, blah blah blah...

[o] I got a message from a potential customer while in Connecticut, someone asking if a certain picture came in a note card. I responded the same day, asking what kind of note card she meant, but have yet to get an answer. After a conversation with Dad about the potential awesome or suck involved in cards, I'm not sure what kind of response I want to get...but I know I want one!!

[o] A potential wrench got thrown in the works on our last night in Connecticut, a wrench that is making us rethink all the possible living arrangements when we get back. I'm not going to get into all of it, but will say that we're trying to find a ratio involving money and comfort to judge all the possibilities. Complicating all of this is the Unknowns: how many hours will I get when I transfer, how soon will Ryan be able to find a job, how long can I/do I want to wait between arrival and working, etc etc.

[o] I ran into Current Boss yesterday while running in to get my schedule and tips, and told her about the plan to move. She said she needed a date and a specific place. I've picked the place--Storrs, across from E.O. Smith--but we're still trying to pick an exact date we'll be moving, plus the question I just mentioned.

I had been considering taking some breather time between arriving back in Connecticut and starting work again, say a month at the most. With all the considerations going on, I'm not sure if we'll be able to afford a break in income like that. I told her we'd have that decision in the next couple of days, forgetting all the madness between Question A and Answer Z. Oy.

[o] After discussion with Ryan's father, we've narrowed down the moving methods to two options: (a) something called U-Pack, which is similar to PODS, where a large storage unit is delivered, filled, picked up, and hauled to Connecticut for us; (b) renting a moving truck, which would require Ryan's father to fly out and drive. The deciding factor is money, which is, of course, complicated. How much more can we save in the next four months, how much can parents contribute (if they can afford to at all), exactly how much would tickets and tolls cost, etc etc.

Basically, over next days/months/weeks, I/we have to figure out:
[o] if/when to continue the 30 Day Challenge
[o] how to fit in my Hobby Job around my Day Job while meeting Social Requirements
[o] exactly where and how we want to live in Connecticut
[o] when we want to move back to Connecticut
[o] when I'll be starting work once back in Connecticut
[o] how much moving help we'll be able to gather
[o] how much money we'll be able to save
[o] finally, can I survive seven straight days of work with a million urgent questions I'm completely unable to answer bouncing around my head

Oh and I returned to new work drama and have to make decisions about the old work drama and there's a new person and borrowed people and whee. At least my brakes have been fixed.

Time for breakfast and clothes and off to work.

...PRAY FOR ME.

Back!

Got back yesterday, actually. Was just way too exhausted to update.

I'm still too out of it in a lot of ways to update.

This trip was simultaneously fucking awesome and fucking heavy.

I have a lot of things to think about, both with Ryan and for myself.

OY.

I think I'll jump in the shower then go down to my old store to visit. Maybe sit somewhere with pen and paper and put thoughts down. I hope it helps.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Deep Breaths...Almost To Awesome!

Today...was pretty fuh.

The morning was nice, waking up slowly to thunder and rain.

Then I went to work and it all went downhill. I'm not even going to go into it. Ugh.

Fuck it! I'm gone for a week. Tomorrow evening Ryan and I fly to Connecticut, and I spend the next three days after that wallowing in the peoples I've missed like hell for over a year. I CAN'T WAIT! :D

Tomorrow will be the last minute things--laundry so we don't have to worry about it when we get home, packing, getting money and Ryan's paycheck, etc--and then several hours of Hurry Up And Wait. Whee.

...I CAN'T WAIT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Owning The To Do List.

[x] reserve a car rental - Done!
[x] try and make a chiropractor appointment for Ryan, either Thursday in South Bend or Monday in Manchester - Probably not going to work, but his back has been better, so it'll have to wait and see for when we get back
[x] confirm if I can pack pounds of coffee and/or my camera case - coffee seems to be okay, camera depends on airline, whose site isn't being helpful. Decision: coffee's coming, my camera is staying home.
[/] print out itinerary and receipt and all that to make boarding pass collection easier - Found out we can do online check-in 24 hours before time, so will be doing that tomorrow.
[x] get laundry money from bank - Done!
[/] do a ton of laundry - In the midst! Other people are doing laundry in odd cycles, so it's been a lot of waiting and guessing.
[o] do a practice pack - Waiting for laundry to be done.
[/] reserve room/table at Willi Brew for Saturday night - Fuh. I had prepared myself for the possibility of issues, what with reserving the back room for prime time on a weekend, but dang. For a reservation of our size at our time, we'd need to do an Event Menu, which is...expensive. Like, just getting one buffet thing of chicken piccatta would $120, and while that feeds 24 people, it's still just one thing. I've sent out messages to see what we-all can/want to do, hopefully it still works out!
[x] call Mom and Dad to make plans with them (I'm a bad daughter) - Done and done, with tentative dates set for both. May call tomorrow to try and fine-tune, but we shall see.
[o] mail things at Post Office - Not done yet, will probably do in half an hour or so. Very glad to have a P.O. less than 10 minutes away, makes things so much easier!

Back into the madness!

I Say Again: GUH.

Guhhhhhh I am so tired. This weekend was great and lovely and wonderful and I can't wait for my trip in three days but OH MY GOD I WANT A DAMNED BREATHER.

I do work tomorrow, but it isn't until 4:30. Thursday I work 1 to 9:30, and Friday is Travel Day, so tomorrow is the last real chunk of time to get things done. Here's the list:

[o] reserve a car rental
[o] try and make a chiropractor appointment for Ryan, either Thursday in South Bend or Monday in Manchester
[o] confirm if I can pack pounds of coffee and/or my camera case
[o] print out itinerary and receipt and all that to make boarding pass collection easier
[o] get laundry money from bank
[o] do a ton of laundry
[o] do a practice pack
[o] reserve room/table at Willi Brew for Saturday night
[o] call Mom and Dad to make plans with them (I'm a bad daughter)
[o] mail things at Post Office

I'm not sure which is the best part of this, that at least half of this list could/should have been done a week or more ago, or the fact that it's all required. ALL OF IT. BEFORE CLOSING WITH THAT ONE AND THE OTHER ONE.

Meanwhile I have been completely, completely exhausted. And it's mostly hitting at work. Saturday, yesterday, and today: fine before work, clock in, get on the floor, want to go take a nap, spend next several hours feeling almost drunken from exhaustion. My already-lacking coordination plummets to toddler level, my judgement is just fucked, and I'm completely useless.

But only at work. This morning I met with Aurelie for brunch and made an impromptu shopping trip, and felt completely fine, even with the insane heat (103!) and fair humidity. Walked in to work, BAM, tired as HELL.

The Good Shift spent the rest of the day insisting that it's because I'm pregnant (I'M NOT. TRUST ME.), but I developed a better theory with some help from Aurelie. To put it short and sweet, it's stress. To quote her, "I have those days. They're called...you can't handle work. You have other things to do (even if it's napping) and you don't want to be fucking be there...so you feel like shit." Basically, it's the last place I want to do and the last thing I want to be doing, I start running on fumes and feel like crap.

Tomorrow doesn't look good for catching up on sleep, but Thursday might be. And Friday our flight isn't until the afternoon, so maybe then? At the very least, I can nap on the plane! :D

Time for dinner. Whee.

Didn't update yesterday as I was spending the day with Kitty (and other friendses) for the pre-wedding-hang-out. Today was work and errands, and I have felt exhausted and crappy all day. Tomorrow is the wedding! Yay wedding!

Monday I may have the energy to do...anything. We shall see!

Stresssssss.

The new normal, for me, has been 1-9:30 pre-closing shifts. Occasionally, however, I'll get handed a closing shift, 4:30-10:30. I don't mind these, since it means I have almost an entire day free.

But I'm developing a bad pattern.

The night before at later-shift-day, I'll set my alarm for a later wake-up time. I can sleep in!, I'll think. I have the whole day to do stuff before work!

And I will sleep in. And I'll take my sweet time getting up, checking the internets, eating breakfast, getting showered and dressed, I have the whole day for chores and reading, dum dee dum...wait how is it 3 PM I haven't eaten yet I have to leave in an hour and all I've done is computer stuff AAAAAA.

>.<

Today was a bit more productive than that, at least. I got some pictures edited, although I did find that some of what I thought was a great shoot were actually...not so great. Poo. I also didn't feel 100% happy with the results of some of my edits...I'm hoping that I'm just doing that thing I do to myself when I'm stressed where nothing is good enough and why do I think I'm good at this and ugggghh I'm so stoooopid...

I'm...a bit stressed.

There's so much drama going on at work (both my and other stores), and I can't even go into it all it's that dramatic. Plus tomorrow is the "bachelorette" party (really just a mostly-girls-only pre-wedding party for the bride, our friend Kitty, for whom Sameh and I are co-Maids of Honor :D) and Sunday is the wedding itself and I don't know when I'll get a chance to do some pre-trip errands and what am I bringing and which bags am I packing and aaaaaaa.

...I think it's time for dinner and sleep. Lots of sleep. And tomorrow there shall be dinner and funtimes! Yes! THERE WILL BE FUN, DAMMIT! :D

Owning It.

I already bragged a bit on Facebook, but I felt like getting into more detail here. What I've done today:

[o] Got up at 7:30 (against my will, but still)
[o] Had a real breakfast
[o] Found proof that I paid for my January clinic visit and the Not A Bill But You Owe Money piece of mail is BS
[o] Went back to Kate's Garden and took 280 shots, almost all of them useable
[o] Filled up my gas tank
[o] Had a real lunch
[o] Uploaded said shots
[o] Took some more shots, of myself, for the 30 Day Creativity Challenge, and edited and posted one to start Day One
[o] Put away the dishes

It's barely past noon, and I have eight hours of my day job, wherein I will earn money and be a good barista. Today is definitely a success, and it's only begun!