How Many People Complain About Failing At Nerdery?

The following conversation happened last night via Facebook:

Ruth Johnson

I just love an audience when I'm all sweaty and gross because it's warm by the espresso machines and OH YEAH I'm barring through dozens of drinks as fast as I can. HAVING PEOPLE STARE AT ME MAKES IT SO MUCH FUNNER.

 ·  ·  · Share · 12 hours ago near Stafford Springs

• Dorita Reyen, Karen Grace Fenech and Catsy A Turre like this.
• • 

    J Rose Konungrinn You should put up a sign at your spot that says "boiling coffee splash zone".

    12 hours ago · 
  • 

    Catsy A Turre I feel your pain, really, I do... but.. Funner...?

    12 hours ago ·  ·  1
  • 

    Ruth Johnson IT'S A WORD CUZ I SAID SO.

    12 hours ago ·  ·  2
  • 

    Delete CommentMark as Spam

    Catsy A Turre I thought you were supposed to be more of a Grammar Nazi than me? XD

    12 hours ago · 
  • 

    Ruth Johnson I'm starting to own not just labels, but my failure at meeting the requirement of these labels. I'm really bad at being a nerd girl, a grammar nazi, a hipster artist, etc etc despite possessing all the qualities that put my in those categories in the first place. I can't tell if it's ironic or meta or if it just makes me even more of a hipster.

    12 hours ago ·  ·  3

I kinda whipped up that last comment at the moment, but I've been realizing how true it is.

I wear gaming t-shirts and have a wish list of geek-themed accessories (Mario star earrings, companion cube necklace, etc), but I've barely played any video games. I played a couple of Super Marios on my Gameboy--an original one, the big gray brick, my first game player of any kind until I was gifted a Game Cube six or seven years ago. I've played through the Halos and the Half-Lifes. I've done multiplayer in games like Call of Duty and MarioKart. I've started Final Fantasy III and Pokemon: Diamond multiple times, only to get bored of the repetitive playing styles and quit. And, of course, I have a couple of mid- and high-level characters in World of Warcraft. But ask me anything about the mechanics of WoW, test my memory on the storyline in any of the Halo or Half-Life games, and I fail. I have a shirt from Dear Friends, a concert of Final Fantasy music that Ryan attended years ago and gave me a t-shirt from, and whenever I wear it in public I get a couple of people fanboy/fangirling over it...and I have to admit that I didn't actually go, and I wouldn't have truly appreciated it if I had.

I stopped pursuing the idea of being an copyeditor when I realized that I didn't know enough of the rules of grammar and syntax to really be good at it. I still get stuck on who/whom, lie/lay, affect/effect, etc etc. I still use "them" when referring to a single theoretical person*. If there existed a test to qualify for being a true grammar nerd, I am sure I would not pass it with flying colors. I may not fail it, but I wouldn't get a very high score, either.

If someone were to ask me what camera settings I use for my photography, or wanted to discuss great artists of any medium, I'd have no satisfactory response for them (*see). I'm winging it without technical knowledge or inspirational reference. And don't get me started on printing or framing, something I'll be doing in the next few days only with my father's help. I squeal over camera-themed accessories and half the things over at Photojojo, but I don't feel worthy of wearing or using them.

I feel like a poser. A fake. A fraud.

And whenever I try to study the little details that would, in my mind, legitimize my nerdgirl/grammar nerd/artist status--studying Strunk & White or my camera manual or WoW guides--it just doesn't work. Instead of sticking, all the information slides off my brain as if it were covered in Teflon. I can repeat, I can take notes, I can make cheat sheets, but nothing stays.

Why does it matter? Partly because I have issues that make me think I can't assert myself as a "real" nerd or photographer unless I'm Official Expert. Partly because I know that learning these things would help me enjoy the activities more. Knowing the mechanics and ratios in WoW would allow me to be a more active player, knowing how all the buttons and settings on my cameras work would lead to better art, etc.

Then, of course, there's the tie-in to my ongoing identity crisis where I want to feel solid behind the roles I want to play in my life and the values I want to stand behind...and to some people, nerd and artist may not be important parts of an identity. To me, they are, because I can feel they're part of who I am. But I'm failing at them (at least in my mind).

So...what to do?

Things I Am Thankful For:

(in no particular order)
-that I have a job
-that I really like my job and those I work with
-that Ryan found a job
-that Ryan found a job that probably won't make him miserable
-that both of our jobs offer health insurance
-that all my parents are (relatively) happy and (relatively) healthy
-that I have many friends in many states that remind me on a regular basis that I'm loved and accepted
-that I have a place to live and food to eat and gas to put in my car
-that we have a wedding to pay for
-and, now, money to plan it with!
-that Ryan and I are both making good changes to our life to be happier and healthier
-that tonight's meal went off without any crucial hitches
-that even my gray clouds have silver linings
:)

Chugging Away.

Love how last entry was titled "I'm Back, Baby!"...then a week and a half of silence...

The best and biggest news since I last wrote a blog post: Ryan got a job! After interviewing for three different First Niagara branches, he was hired as a part-time teller at the Storrs location, after an interview he was sure went badly. I won't go into the specific details of why him getting this job is awesome, but the general details are: good pay, benefits off the bat (including vacation and sick time starting in January), and he gets paid for two weeks of training before he ever starts.

He got the phone call from the HR woman after a morning of me poking our money spreadsheet and getting really anxious about finances, so I just about cried when he told me. Of course, then we had to go out and buy him a lot of business attire, which ain't cheap, but at least we can pay it off pretty quickly! Plus he loves to get all spiffed up, so he's all happy.

In other news, I've been working hard at changing my habits for the better. I've only had one "bad" meal a day for the past three days (as opposed to all of them being "bad"), the other meals being made up of whole grains or salads or yogurts or fruits, with lots of yogurt or fruit or hummus snacks when I get munchie. Last night I was left to my own devices to come up with dinner from the grocery store, something I'm not all that great terribly at, and I made myself a salad from the Stop & Shop salad bar, with lots of veggies (broccoli! peppers! tomatoes! even spinach!) and a couple of hard boiled eggs, and picked up a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette instead of ranch. Progress!

I've also been getting on my own back about exercising. After realizing that Ryan really had been keeping up with the exercise for a week straight, while I'd been sitting on my duff, I've gotten on the Wii Fit three out of the past four days; I gave myself yesterday off because I had to get up at 7 just to go to work, and my calves were killing me from my workout on Friday morning. Today was a little less enthusiastic, I'll admit, but my calves are still killing me, and I didn't sleep well last night...but I weighed in and did some yoga, so that's better than nothing!

My dad also gave me his old hula hoop, which is heavier and easier to use than most traditional hoops. It's fun! And there's juuuuust enough space in the living room for me to do it without breaking anything. Plus there's always outside...until temperature disallows.

So, yeah: money problems will soon be a thing of the past, we're both working hard at being healthy, and we have Ryan's birthday and Thanksgiving to look forward to this coming week. Whee!

I'm Back, Baby!

Two and a half weeks later, we've survived a snowstorm, 11 days without any power, heat, or running water, several days of dealing with other customers in similar situations at one of the only places in town with power and internet, and a two or three several-day-long runs between showers.

I don't want to say "It all really sucked," even though it did. I was cold from the moment I got home until halfway to work every day; we were showering at Ryan's father's house every couple of days; we only had the chance to do laundry there once, so I was wearing a lot of dirty clothes; I was brushing my teeth at work every morning; we were melting snow to flush the toilet; and finally, we missed the season premiere of Bones. The misery!

On the other hand, we were relatively lucky in that we had a couple of places to go to charge things and shower and feel warm for a little bit. Going to work was a definite lifesaver, most of the time. I say "most of the time" because by the last couple of days, I felt filthy and stupid and just...not human. I was a wreck. Mom got power back on Tuesday, so I was able to shower before work, and it made a huge difference. I didn't have to concentrate to remember which were the big lids or little lids, which coffee needed to be brewed, or if 8 was 5 plus 2 or 3.

...I'm not kidding, by the way. It was always that number, too; Sunday and Monday, every time I had to create 8 dollars in change, I had to think if I added one or two singles to the five. What the hell.


Ryan stayed surprisingly upbeat during the whole thing, especially once we borrowed the radio from Mom and he had music to fill the hours. We also did our best to be productive, which resulted in our little home being almost completely furnished and decorated to our hopes, something we thought would take a couple of months. I'd come home to find a few pictures hung up, or the kitchen organized, or the bookcase rearranged.

Of course, he also racked up over 30 hours in Final Fantasy V on his GameBoy DS, but whatever. It's not like I read through 5 books in as many nights or anything...

I am extremely proud of Ryan for his humor and optimism throughout the entire thing, especially as he was the worst off of the two of us. He had no job to go to for distraction, his favorite activities all require internet or at least electricity, and a combination of no running dehumidifier and several hours of smoky candles every night made him wheeze and cough and snore like you wouldn't believe.

The biggest difference this made to us, besides being pretty miserable for almost two weeks and spending way more on fast food than I would like to admit, is the diet. Ryan had planned on starting his cleanse, the first 10 days of his 100 day extreme diet, on Monday the 31st. Due to the fact that cleanses usually involve, you know, cleansing one's system, and we were resorting to flushing our toilet infrequently with melted snow (a toilet, I should add, that resides in a room with no windows to either let in light or let out smells), he decided to postpone the cleanse, for the sake of both our comfort and our relationship.

We finally got power back on Tuesday evening, and have been thoroughly enjoying it the past two days...even if we spent almost the entirety of Wednesday out of the house. We can watch TV! We can run the dehumidifier! We don't have to go to sleep at 10 just because we're bored! The amazement never ends!

Yesterday we bought $70 dollars of fruits and vegetables, last night he had his last soda (Coca-Cola), last beer (Stella Artois), and last pizza (Frank Pepe in Manchester, half sausage and peppers, half chicken and bacon), and today began The Cleanse. His breakfast was an Apple Pear smoothie, made with 2 apples, 2 pears, half a cup of grapes, a chunk of ginger, and some cinnamon. Pretty tasty! We also updated our Wii Fit Plus profiles to start fresh, and Ryan decided to do a run. He covered a little over three miles in half an hour, burning almost 350 calories! Color my impressed.

I am being a weenie and not doing a cleanse. It's party being a wimp over not wanting to eat only fruits and veggies for 10 days, and part is being concerned with how I'd fare at work. Besides, someone has to eat the leftover now-forbidden food left in the house, right?

On Sunday, the 20th, we'll start the next, biggest phase: 90 days following an almost vegan diet: no meat, no dairy, no processed food, no sugar, no caffeine, staying almost entirely to produce, whole grains, and legumes.

In the next 10 days, I'll be doing a combination of weaning and last hurrahs, getting in my last bits of favorite soon-to-be-off-limits foods while lessening the amount of fat, sugar, caffeine, and dairy I partake in each day. Have I mentioned where I work? Have I asked for many wishes of good luck?

Honestly, I am looking forward to it, to the challenge of it, the healthy habits we'll be learning, and the undoubtedly delicious creations Ryan will be whipping up for us with his new pantry.

I'll keep you posted!

At Least I Tried?

Sooo my paycheck was not as pleasing as I had hoped. Yes, it had all my hours from my last week in Indiana and my first week in Connecticut...but they were all charged at the Indiana pay rate, which is over a dollar less than my current, Connecticut pay rate. I probably wouldn't let it slip anyway, but then they charged me both state's taxes without paying both rates? That ain't coo'.

I called the payroll number, she was very helpful, all that has to happen is my boss has to file some kind of action tomorrow and I should have retroactive pay in my next paycheck this Friday.

(On a side note--getting paid every week as opposed to every other week? I think I can do that!)

Work is still going well in the areas of the actual work and the people I work with. The only problem, currently, is the physical demand. I can't remember if I mentioned it in da blog, but my back was killing me during the week, and I decided it was from barring for hours on end; bending at the waist to lift gallons of milk from knee-or shin-height. There's also the sauce pumps and the spray-washer-thingie in the sink, but those are mostly working on my neck and shoulders. My back is definitely from the gallons of milk.

So on Friday I tried a different method: Instead of bending, I would squat down, grab a gallon, then stand up. It worked beautifully for my back! No problem at all! My thighs, on the other hand, still hurt two days later. I spent yesterday whining walking like I was on stilts, I was wobbly despite all efforts to exert control over my limbs. Fortunately, I didn't bar my entire shift...just part of it!

Of course, then I went to Catsy's house. She has stairs. I whined a lot.

I went to Catsy's to follow through on my promise: there was a bar in Plainville having a Batman-themed Halloween party, and she convinced me to go with her.

I should mention that Catsy and Batman...I don't even know the correct word. Addiction...obsession...fixation...to say she has a thing for Batman (and everything related to him) is just an understatement. There is no apt way of putting it without doing it injustice. She also loves to dress up (although not as much as she loves Batman...she doesn't love anything that much...), so a Halloween party with a Batman theme? MUST GO! MUST DANCE!

We got all gussied in bellydancer and gypsy gear and set out for the bar. It ended up being...pretty lame. Most of the crowd were the regular bar-going type, in jeans and leather and regular clothing. The band wasn't really bad, just LOUD. There were a few other costumes, some of them even Batman-related (Joker, Two-Face, Riddler, etc)...but we still stuck out a bit. So we left.

Then I felt crappy...then I threw up on the side of the road...then we went home.

I AM SO MUCH FUN.

Honestly, even with the failbar and the nausea, we had fun and laughed a lot. And fortunately, I have today and Monday off, so I can recuperate...between the other plans I/we've made. But they're good plans, fun plans, recuperation-of-the-soul kind of plans, so it's all good! :)

Money! Ja Gut!

I've spent the past month bugging the hell out of my superiors at my new store, asking if they'd seen or heard any sign of where my paycheck from Indiana could be. No one had any answers. Finally called Partner Contact Number, just got off the phone--it'll be in tomorrow's check! Woohoo! So tomorrow I'll have 32.5 hours of Indiana pay and 37.5 hours of Connecticut pay, AND I'll finally find out exactly how much I'm being paid here in Connecticut. Oh, and we can finally pay our first month's rent. Huzzah for money!

Blasts From The Past

One of the more interesting things about my new store is the location. As I've mentioned, my store is directly across from my old high school--and when I say directly, I mean I can look up from the bar, out the front windows, and see the front door of the school. This means we can watch the buses gather and prepare ourselves for the coming wave, and, if I'm not barring like the wind or floating like a badass butterfly, I scan the crowd for the familiar faces of former teachers.

I've seen a couple so far, as well as some of the non-teaching faculty. I've only seen four teachers that I actually had, all of them English: Mr. Barnes, Mr. Mingrone, Mr. Andersen, and Ms. Abercrombie. I had them for 11A English, 10A English, and Creative Writing, respectively.

Mr. Barnes was a great teacher in more ways that one. The best memorable thing I know about him isn't even my memory; it's my friend Michael's. Michael was in English class on September 11th 2001, when the school stopped the regular schedule to figure out what to do. Mr. Barnes had the TV on so everyone could watch the news. When the administration cut off the entire TV network, Mr. Barnes got up, went to his closet, and got out a radio without saying a word. He just turned it on to a news radio station, and the class stared at that instead.

Mr. Mingrone was my first high school teacher to assign creative writing work. I still have poetry from those assignments stashed away somewhere, partly because I like them and partly because of the comments he wrote on them. They were all encouraging, and not just generic "good job following the assignment." His comments encouraged me to keep going. I said hello to him this past week when he came in for coffee, but he didn't appear to recognize me. While I'm honestly not surprised--I was in his class nine years ago and he's had thousands of students before and after me--it did make me a little sad. He was a favorite teacher for his stories from his years as a carnie, and his alternatively whimsical and cynical sense of humor. When the TVs were turned off on 9/11, my friend Danielle was in Mingrone's class. He turned to the students and said "Well, obviously you guys aren't mature enough to deal with these terrible events. Let's instead turn back to our current book, The Crucible, where a person's biggest worry was being persecuted and burned to death on the accusation of being a witch!"

I also almost got in a car accident with him once. Anyone who has had to navigate the intersection of Spring Hill and Davis Roads can tell you that it's a tricky one. We had a good laugh about it.

Moving on.

Mr. Andersen and Ms. Abercrombie came in just last night, an hour or so before I clocked out. They're actually a married couple who hand Creative Writing back and forth every year. I forget if I took it in my Junior and first Senior year, or if I took it both Senior years, but the point is that I took Creative Writing twice, and got to enjoy both of their teaching styles.

They remembered me! They both gave me looks when they got up to the counter, like "Heyyy..." Ms. Abercrombie was on her cell phone and went to a table to finish her conversation, while Mr. Andersen ordered their drinks (and their son's pastry). I had to tell him my name, but he did remember me! And asked if I was still writing. We chatted a bit about how hard it is to find time, and how he's almost done with his novel that he's been working on for three years! Ms. Abercrombie came up after she got off the phone, and said "Ruth...it is so good to see you! I knew I knew you, bu your hair threw me off!" She seemed really pleased to see me, and said that I'd definitely be seeing her.

That really...really made my day. My whole week. My Creative Writing teachers, two of the biggest pushes I've ever had, remember me! Positively, even! Heeeeeeeeeeeee....

...and now I've sent friend requests to both of them on Facebook. Whee!

On the English note, NaNoWriMo is coming right up...and I'm torn. Do I participate? If I do, do I do a parallel participation, try to either finish or add 50,000 words to Found, the novel I started last November? Do I start a brand new project and be "official"? Do I only participate insofar as I spread the good word about it and encourage (that is, annoy) my friends who are participating?

Decisions, decisions.

I do know that it's time to get back down to business. We're settled, I'm comfortable at work, and the pressing matters in my life are either appointment-based or temporary (doctor's appointments, laundry, etc). While my store may be constantly busy, there are tables available once in a while, and there's also a cafe in Stafford that looks to be a pretty nice place to write an afternoon away. Somehow, I gotta get a groove going.

Speaking of getting going, it's noon now and I haven't really started the day yet. It may be chore day, photography day, writing day, or lazing day...not sure quite yet. Whee!