I kinda whipped up that last comment at the moment, but I've been realizing how true it is.
I wear gaming t-shirts and have a wish list of geek-themed accessories (Mario star earrings, companion cube necklace, etc), but I've barely played any video games. I played a couple of Super Marios on my Gameboy--an original one, the big gray brick, my first game player of any kind until I was gifted a Game Cube six or seven years ago. I've played through the Halos and the Half-Lifes. I've done multiplayer in games like Call of Duty and MarioKart. I've started Final Fantasy III and Pokemon: Diamond multiple times, only to get bored of the repetitive playing styles and quit. And, of course, I have a couple of mid- and high-level characters in World of Warcraft. But ask me anything about the mechanics of WoW, test my memory on the storyline in any of the Halo or Half-Life games, and I fail. I have a shirt from Dear Friends, a concert of Final Fantasy music that Ryan attended years ago and gave me a t-shirt from, and whenever I wear it in public I get a couple of people fanboy/fangirling over it...and I have to admit that I didn't actually go, and I wouldn't have truly appreciated it if I had.
I stopped pursuing the idea of being an copyeditor when I realized that I didn't know enough of the rules of grammar and syntax to really be good at it. I still get stuck on who/whom, lie/lay, affect/effect, etc etc. I still use "them" when referring to a single theoretical person*. If there existed a test to qualify for being a true grammar nerd, I am sure I would not pass it with flying colors. I may not fail it, but I wouldn't get a very high score, either.
If someone were to ask me what camera settings I use for my photography, or wanted to discuss great artists of any medium, I'd have no satisfactory response for them (*see). I'm winging it without technical knowledge or inspirational reference. And don't get me started on printing or framing, something I'll be doing in the next few days only with my father's help. I squeal over camera-themed accessories and half the things over at Photojojo, but I don't feel worthy of wearing or using them.
I feel like a poser. A fake. A fraud.
And whenever I try to study the little details that would, in my mind, legitimize my nerdgirl/grammar nerd/artist status--studying Strunk & White or my camera manual or WoW guides--it just doesn't work. Instead of sticking, all the information slides off my brain as if it were covered in Teflon. I can repeat, I can take notes, I can make cheat sheets, but nothing stays.
Why does it matter? Partly because I have issues that make me think I can't assert myself as a "real" nerd or photographer unless I'm Official Expert. Partly because I know that learning these things would help me enjoy the activities more. Knowing the mechanics and ratios in WoW would allow me to be a more active player, knowing how all the buttons and settings on my cameras work would lead to better art, etc.
Then, of course, there's the tie-in to my ongoing identity crisis where I want to feel solid behind the roles I want to play in my life and the values I want to stand behind...and to some people, nerd and artist may not be important parts of an identity. To me, they are, because I can feel they're part of who I am. But I'm failing at them (at least in my mind).
So...what to do?
"First, decide who you would be; then do what you must do." -Epictetus
ReplyDeleteDon't make decisions on other people's expectations. "Should" is a toxic word.