Weight Talk...And Then Some!

Since moving to Indiana, my attempts at keeping up with exercise and not eating fast food have been...well...what's a nicer word for "failure?"

Almost every attempt at using the Wii Fit ending in feeling like crap. Lining up free time, good weather, and a good place to walk is an exercise in futility; also, I'm completely exhausted most of the time. The Curves I looked into was a pain in the ass to get in and out of, and just didn't feel...right. I realized, almost as soon as I walked in, that I didn't want to go back to Curves....I wanted to go back to my Curves.

I'm not eating complete crap. I've picked up good snacks like greek yogurt, edamame, and hummus, and Ryan cooks for us a lot with correct portion sizes and equal shares of protein, starch, and veggie. However, there are some nights when neither of us wants to cook or clean a dish to cook, and we end up hitting up some drive-thru or another for dinner. And then there's the fact that the place I work at offers me 5 free drinks per 8 hour shifts, and I never opt for sugar-free or nonfat anything. Plus the be-fricked pastry case that just sits there and taunts me all day until I cave in and buy myself a piece of coffee cake to bring home.

The pitfalls, they have been numerous.

So, funny story: I've lost weight.

I turned the Wii on yesterday for the first time in months. Specifically, Wii Fit told me it had been 82 days since my last workout. But in that span, I've lost 2 1/2 pounds.

o.O

The annoying thing is that I couldn't lose that much when I was trying to, working out every day and yelling at myself about fat and calories. Then I get too tired to care, and this happens. OKAY!

In all honesty, I weighed myself because it was getting pretty obvious that I had lost weight. Clothes that used to be form-fitting, or even snug, are looser on me. I just look smaller--even Ryan said so, with absolutely no prompting. At the same time, my calves, thighs, butt, and upper arms have gotten more muscular, obviously from spending my days running around and lifting gallons of milk and boxes of syrups.

This leads me to believe that, if I checked my BMI, that number would be way lower than it was a few months ago. I think I may have lost more than 2 1/2 pounds of fat, and made up some difference in muscle.

The truth is, I'm not going to really change a whole lot of anything based on this fact. My drinks will still be venti (when they're free), 2% and non-sugar-free, and I will get a frappuccino to take home if I want to. My ability to find time and energy to exercise is not going to improve. I might get better control over myself about the pastries, but that's really about it.

After working at Curves for almost 2 1/2 years, and seeing food and diet anxiety is just about every form, I have more or less decided that I will never again let myself deal with food guilt. I love food, and I refuse to feel bad because I don't want to deprive myself of my favorite things and eat cardboard. I try and find healthy alternatives when I can, but come on: my favorite food is starch. I live for mashed potatoes and pasta. There is no way I can live a completely "healthy" lifestyle and still get my favorite foods, and I refuse to compromise.

And, in all honesty...I'm actually really happy with myself right now. I'm happy with the way I look for the first time since I started caring about how I look...that'd be about, what, 13 years? Since I hit puberty? I mean, I'm not perfect, I wish I didn't have odd acne on my arms and legs, and if all my fat dropped off or turned to muscle overnight I certainly wouldn't complain, but I don't think any less of myself for having some fat on me. Full disclosure: I'm at 156 lbs. I love every pound of it.

And I like who I am. Things aren't easy, but I work hard and do everything I can. I make people smile every day--sometimes accidentally, but mostly because I honestly try to. More than once in the past few months, I've seen first-hand that I can put my worries and stress aside to be there for someone who needs me, no questions asked, no hesitation. At the same time, I've learned how to be true to myself, to do what I want without impeding on others' happiness, and I've come to peace with my current limitations on what I want to do for myself.

I'm happy with myself, inside and out, for the first time since I was a kid. The fact that I've hit this mindset while at the point in my life where I am also the most stressed, most broke, and most limited I have ever been in my life, is both funny and mind-boggling. It helps to know that, again, I am doing the best I can, and no one can say any different. At the end of the day, a lot of it might be out of my hands, but I can at least hold on to that.

...right, this got long for just a "quick" entry about my odd weight loss. And deep. Oof.

Now, I need to decide if I'm writing from home or at Starbucks, then move about my day accordingly. Love you all. :)