The Great Calorie War of Aught-Nine.

At the beginning of this past year, I got two new things: an iPod Touch (thanks to Christmas money), and a free application called Lose It!. Lose It! is a tool for tracking what and how much you eat, how much you exercise, and what you weigh. I made a New Years resolution to lose weight and become healthier. The first time I entered my weight, it was 162 lbs. At 5’6”, that’s not obese—in fact, while at the high end of the “normal” BMI range, it’s technically not even overweight. It was still more than I wanted to weigh, however, especially since almost none of it was muscle.

For some reason, I decided that the best way to go about things was to eat less. Not eat better, or exercise more (or, for me, exercise at all), but just lower the amount of calories I was consuming. Despite logic, despite having a brain in my head, despite having a brand new program at work that taught us about metabolism and how cutting calories only works when you also work out to jump-start the burning of fat instead of muscle.

Obviously, this didn’t really work—especially since this was one of the worst winters I’ve ever gone through. I’m not good at winters as it is, and this one was long, it was cold, it was wet, and it included a death in the family. My great uncle Bill—my de facto grandfather, as all four of my biological grandparents had passed away before I was born—died in mid-February. It was the first time I had ever lost someone besides a cat. Needless to say, February did not go well in terms of…well, anything.

By May, I had gotten my act a little more together—I was doing better at cutting out calories, and best of all, I started exercising! After a year and a half of working at Curves, I finally got over my weird problem with working out at the same time as members, and started working out every night I worked. Funnily enough, the weight starting coming off a little quicker. Imagine!

Still, I was being dumb about food. I was still obsessing more over calorie count than anything else, such as, I don’t know, ingredients, protein, trans fat, sodium, etc. I had gotten it into my head that calories were evil, no matter what they were attached to, so less was always better than more. Period.

Ryan helped me get over that thinking in June. One day, while out shopping, we decided it was time to grab some dinner and head home. Ryan wanted to get Moe’s, which is like a combination of Subway and Taco Bell—you go down an assembly line and put together a taco, burrito, nachos, etc one step at a time. I consulted my little app, and said no, too many calories in a burrito, but how about McDonald’s?

The look he gave me was about the same as a smack upside the head. I was turning down a real wheat tortilla, real grilled chicken, real beans, real vegetables…for McDonald’s. WHAT THE FUCK.

That very night, after returning home and consuming my delicious, nutritious, not-McDonald’s dinner, I tinkered with my app. I changed it from “lose weight” to “maintain weight.” This was a trick to have a higher calorie “budget,” so there would be this big red bar if I went over a set number of calories. I had decided to start concentrating on quality over quantity.

Except I was still concerned with quantity. I started picking out healthier foods, but I was still concerned over not eating too much, no matter what it was. I opened up Excel (one of my favorite toys ever) and made myself a little chart for tracking daily calorie counts. One column would show the day’s number, and another column would show the difference from the previous day—had I gone up or down? By how much?

I saw this as a tool for keeping myself in check, making sure my counts didn’t start creeping up with the “freedom” I had given myself. Looking back, I just replaced one way of yelling at myself with another—there may not be a red bar anywhere on the screen, but there was still a number, and I was giving that number more power than I was giving myself.

Over the summer and into the fall, I’ve been making better food choices, and I’ve eased up on the tracking. The Excel chart ran out of space as of October 10, and I didn’t extend it. That was the last day I counted up my calorie count. October 26 was the last day I entered calorie information into the iPod app. At first I just forgot to, but it’s become intentional.

I realized that, if I kept up with the counting and monitoring and self-checking, I was going to end up with an eating disorder. Not because I hate my body, not because I need control over something, but because I can lose myself in obsession over keeping track of things perfectly, to the last detail. When I entered calorie information, I fretted over amounts, worrying that if I was off, I was doing something wrong. If I that red bar came up, if I was just a few calories up from one day to the next, I would guilt the hell out of myself. And that’s just bullshit.

I’m eating healthier now than I was six months ago, or even three months ago. Before I buy something at the grocery store, I check the label—not just for calories, but for protein, fiber, trans and saturated fat, sodium, vitamins and minerals. I check the ingredients for whole grains instead of “enriched flour”, sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, real salt instead of MSG. I choose foods with real ingredients over foods with lower calorie counts, because I’m finally choosing quality over quantity.

Do I always eat perfectly? No. Do I sometimes eat fast food? Yes. But far, far less than I used to, and I choose different things off the menu. Do I still enjoy chocolate and alcohol and other treats? Yes, but only with or after a real dinner with real food, only as a treat, not an integral part of my day’s menu.

And you know what? I’ve been losing weight. I’ve been losing fat. I’m down to 153 lbs. My waist is making a comeback, and the Curves circuit doesn’t tire me out as much as it used to. And something interesting I discovered—I’m less hungry when I wake up in the morning after I eat real food instead of fake food. With the real freedom I’ve given myself, I feel happy when I eat instead of guilty, I feel really free and in control of what goes into my body for the first time in a long time.

I’m done worrying, I’m done guilting, I’m done obsessing. I’m done with putting the power of what I eat to a stupid little computer program. I’m done with not trusting myself.

I’m done counting.



BONUS SECTION!
In Case You're Curious/I Was Bored So Why Not:

The things I consume on a regular basis {plus flavors} (plus commentary) [plus nutrition]:
[o] V8 Fusion {Pomegranate Blueberry} [8 oz. has 100 calories, 100% daily value of vitamin C, no sugar added, and one full serving each of fruits and vegetables]
[o] Carnation Breakfast Essentials {Rich Milk Chocolate} [One bottle has 260 calories, 14 g of protein, 50% DV of vitamin C and Calcium, 45% DV of vitamin A, and 25% DV of vitamins B6, B12, D, E, K, and iron]
[o] Stonyfield Farm Yogurt Smoothies {Raspberry, Peach} [One 10 oz. bottle has 230 calories, 10 g of protein, 20% DV of vitamin B12, and is completely organic] (It also has a bit more sugar than I'd like (39 g), but it's the only smoothie I find delicious)
[o] Hood Milk (1%, sorry, just can't stand skim) [1 cup has 110 calories, 8 g of protein, 10% DV of vitamins A and C, 25% DV vitamin D, and 30% DV of calcium]
[o] Stouffer's Baked Chicken Breast (with mashed potatoes) [one dinner has 250 calories and 20 g of protein] with Green Giant Simply Steam No Sauce Baby Sweet Peas [2/3 cup package has 60 calories, 4 g of protein, and 15% DV of vitamin C]
[o] Woodchuck Draft Cider {Amber, Raspberry} (this is basically the only alcohol I consume, and it's, like, 3 a week. but DAMN is it refreshing) [one 12 oz. bottle has 200 calories)
[o] Guru Energy Drink {Superfruit} [one 12 oz. can has 180 calories, 1.5 g of protein, and just over 86 g of potassium. while it does include guarana, it’s pretty far down the ingredient list, which has is mostly comprised of water, juice concentrates (20% organic fruit juice!), and other natural substances such as echniacea, ginseng, and ginko biloba] (this is seriously good shit. tastes great (in my opinion), and it doesn’t jar you awake or give you the jitters)
[o] Nature Valley Granola Nut Clusters {Cashew, Honey Roasted Peanut} [cashew: 1 oz. has 150 calories, 1 g of fiber, and 4 g of protein; honey roasted peanut: 1 oz. has 140 calories, 1 g of fiber and, 5 g of protein]
[o] Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with any brand of creamy peanut butter, generic grape jelly, and whole wheat bread [one sandwich has 350 calories, over 3 g of fiber, and 10 g of protein]
[o] Cashews, usually generic [1 oz has 170 calories and 5 g of protein]
[o] Vlasic Kosher Dill Snack'mmms [1 oz is about 2 gherkin-sized pickles and has 5 calories]
[o] Apples [under 100 calories, over 4 g of fiber, vitamins A and C and calcium]
[o] Baby Carrots, [1 cup has just over 50 calories, almost 3 g of fiber, over a gram of protein, vitamin C, and tons of vitamin A
[o] Mini Babybel Bonbel Cheese [1 piece has 70 calories, 5 g of protein, 6% DV of vitamin A and 15% DV of calcium]
[o] Sushi (tuna roll, shrimp sushi) [one 6 piece tuna roll has 184 calories, 2 g of fat, 24 g of protein, 3.5 g of fiber; one ounce of shrimp sushi has 30 calories, no fat, 6 g of protein, and 151 mg of omega-3 fatty acids] (I eat sushi about once a week, and it’s something I always look forward to. my regular order is one tuna roll and two pieces of shrimp sushi, for a grand total of 244 calories, 2 g of fat, 36 g of protein, and a ton of omega-2 fatty acids)

As you can see, REALLY not bad stuff. The only thing with high fructose corn syrup is the grape jelly, which is something I missed until after I had opened the jar (once this jar is finished, I’ll be buying a different brand, but I just can’t bring myself to toss the current jar). The "worst" food, calorie-wise, is cashews, and I rarely have that, and rarely more than a handful at a time. I don’t drink any soda, and the Guru is the only energy drink I touch, and that’s only a couple of times a week when I need to wake up a little faster I would naturally. I’m working on putting more protein and fiber into my diet, in the form of more cheese, yogurt, and fruits and vegetables. I also have a nightly supplement regiment of one super-B complex, one cal-mag-zinc, and one fish oil tablet.