RuLaReJo

Post Written Monday Night and Tuesday Morning. Please Excuse Tense Slips.

2012-02-07T08:58:00.002-05:00

Okay. What the hell.

This is what's going on. My to do list, more or less:

[o] Today I may be driving my mother to the doctor to get a steroid injection in her spine. I don't remember the exact problem with her spine, only that it's related to sciatica, and what it means is that her brain is being told that her leg is very badly hurt, even though her leg is fine. The only way to make it not hurt is the knock-out category of painkillers, and the aforementioned steroid shot, which is basically a miracle.
[o] Today I'm also being fitted tomorrow for a groomswoman's dress for my friend Dan's wedding in March. The dress was thankfully delivered a full month before expected, so I'm just hoping the alterations don't take too long.
[o] I also need to buy shoes for this wedding, as well as start an intense search for shoes for my own wedding
[o] My next fitting needs to be done while I'm wearing whatever I'll be wearing the day of. That means shoes and "bridal underwear." So that's another intense search I've gotta get on.
[o] I also need to, y'know, buy the tickets for the March wedding. I'm combining that trip with a trip to New York (the aforementioned dress fitting) and Indiana (I MISS MAH PEOPLEZ). I'm doing that right this moment, and let me tell you, it's...ridonkulous. All the flights from Indiana to Arizona involve spending twelve hours traveling, sometimes to cities across the country from either destination. Spending an entire day just traveling (and waiting to travel) makes the effort of maximizing quality time in either state an impossible mission. Fun.
[o] The current plan is take a train from Springfield to Syracuse, spend a day there, take a train from Syracuse to South Bend, spend a few days there, fly to Arizona, attend the wedding, fly home to Connecticut. Hopefully these last two things will also be done with Ryan, who may have to fly out immediately after work on Saturday, then fly home as soon as the reception ends on Sunday, since his work has vacation black out starting early March going until mid May. OY.
[o] Aaaand...tickets purchased! At least from Connecticut to Arizona. Still need everything from there on--rental car, hotel room, tickets home--but I couldn't take any more prices and times and whatnot, so that's enough for one night!
[o] We found a wedding venue, which has caused the planning to pick up a bit of speed. The venue includes the ceremony site and catering, but we still need to plan out the ceremony and pick the entrees, not to mention the cake, finish the guest list, find a photographer, find a DJ, contact the Justice of the Peace, figure out the centerpieces, etc etc etc. We couldn't do a whole hell of a lot without a venue, and now that we have one, there are no more excuses. It's time for full-on wedding planning!
[o] My hours have begun to back up at work, thank God! The reasons behind my getting unlucky with hours for January were explained, and none of them were really about me, which was good to know. Also good to know is that I can handle openings, as I covered one on Sunday and didn't die, which means once winter is really and truly over, I can open up my availability for those. I just know that if I opted to do opens now, that's when the snow would start, and there'd be at least one morning when I'd be scheduled to open, my driveway would be suicide, and I'd screw over the whole store for the whole day. I do not want to be That Worker, you know?
[o] Closes are still out, though, since that's the only time of day I'm guaranteed to have with Ryan. I think that's a good enough reason on it's own, but add in the fact that we need a ton of time to plan a freaking wedding, and I think that's justifiable, yeah?
[o] February is here, March is slowly approaching, and I need to get my act together for the wall at my store this time, or else just give up on being a professional entirely. Of course, Dad's place currently has no power, and that's where the printer is, so...maybe it's a sign?
[o] I did attempt a Photo A Day Challenge, again, and didn't make it past the third day. I could blame my schedule, and it'd be accurate, but there's always a ton of shit going on, I'm always exhausted, so what does that mean for wanting to make photography a priority? I'm currently putting a lot of energy into making writing a priority, carving out time for it when I can, but photography isn't as simple. I always have a notebook, writing implements, and my iPad with a keyboard all in my purse, so I can sit down just about anywhere and get some writing done. It isn't as easy with photography, although I do carry a camera everywhere. There's also editing, and posting if I want people to see it, and pricing and printing and shipping if I want people to buy it.
[o] The point is, I'm feeling discouraged. But I'm not out of the game yet! I am going to bust my ass to get photos up in my store for March, with corresponding items for sale in my Etsy store. I'll see what happens from there.
[o] At least I am being creative with writing, and working on a cross-stitch project whenever we watch something at home in the evenings, so that's good :)
[o] And now I'm just rambling when I need to get going. Today is breakfast, possibly chauffeuring Mom, getting fitted, getting emissions done on my car, going to the store, going to the dry-cleaners, and possibly getting laundry done. And that's just the first of three days off!

Spending And Giving And Eating, Oh My!

2011-12-29T11:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted in, well, too long, and since today's chore plans are currently on hold for an undetermined period of time, why not post now!

What's new? Well, lots, I guess. I mean, most of a month and a whole holiday has gone by since I last posted. What couldn't be new?

Christmas was pretty great! At all three gift-exchanging events, I found myself looking forward more to the reactions of people I/we gave presents to, than to my own presents. Does make me a grown up? Anyway, everyone seemed to be genuinely surprised and happy with their gifts, which made me VERY happy! :) We also got spoiled, between three sets of parents! The two biggest items were a small Weber grill and a cordless drill, from Ryan's dad and my mother, respectively. Both are going to be very well-loved, I can tell.

The two days of Christmas was also laden with delicious food: Christmas morning at Kerry and Mary's (eggs, french toast, raisin toast, home fries, sausage, bacon, coffee, juice), Christmas dinner at Gail and Jon's (turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, squash, peas, gravy, pumpkin pie and ice cream for dessert), then day-after-Christmas supper at Mom's with Dad (hearty beef stew and biscuits, with pumpkin cheesecake, pecan-pumpkin-sweet potato pie, and chocolate chip banana bread for dessert) (Mom's house had more dessert than regular food, what a surprise).

Yesterday the gifting fun continued, between Ryan and I. We dropped my car off at Best Buy to get my new car stereo installed, then went off to Verizon to get Ry a new phone, and back to Best Buy to get him a music player. By the end of the night we were both rife with shiny new distractions that make pretty sounds and pretty lights :D

(Unfortunately, they didn't have the right spacers for my new speakers, but I can still listen to the stereo itself through my factory speakers until the new spacers get installed sometime next week. I actually kind of like this series of steps up: factory sound, Kenwood sound on factory speakers, Kenwood sound on Kenwood speakers. Comparing is fun!)

In other news, I'm still trying to keep up the exercise and diet routine. The past week was pretty rough, I had a few days where I woke up feeling kinda weak and underpowered, then the two days of holiday food and not moving a whole lot. Aside from those two days, the diet thing is going pretty smoothly. I eat a LOT of yogurt (mostly Greek), lots of fruit, I've gotten better about veggies and salads, and I'm keeping the big carb meals to dinner, to fuel the next morning's work out. After four-ish days of little to no exercise, I'm slowly ramping my way back up to Lots Of Hooping, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep it ramped once the holidays are done and the new year has officially started.

Speaking of which! This may be my last post of 2011, so I may as well talk about resolutions, eh? I have a few little ones, but they stem off of the big one:

Don't waste time.

Before Ryan has an aneurysm and Dad starts gibbering, let me explain what I mean by "wasting time." I DON'T mean writing, reading, taking pictures, playing with Photoshop, video games, socializing, or even staring at a screen or into space. Sometimes, I desperately need any or all of those things to decompress, to let some steam evaporate before it escapes as tears or whining. What I DO mean by "wasting time" is dithering about, going in circles, getting stuck in cycles, being frozen in indecision because I feel like any of the things I just listed IS wasting time and I SHOULD (dirty word!) be cleaning or organizing or erranding or some other Productive Thing.

I've got a lot of shit to do this year. I have quite a few trips to New York for my dress, a trip to Arizona for a wedding, I promised I'd go back to Indiana sometime this year, getting serious with my novel, getting serious with my shop, and, oh yeah, MY OWN WEDDING, plus working full time (possibly two jobs in the summer) and hooping my ass off and still being as social as possible before some of my friends fly off to other places. I won't have time to curl up into a ball and cry because I want to relax with Mario Kart but there are dirty dishes in existence. I have to re-categorize my mind so that anything that helps me relax and keep things in perspective and keep my physical and mental energy up is listed under Productive Things.

So. Anyway. That's most of the new stuff. There's a few other bits, but they mostly revolve around money and To Do lists and minor personal drama, so I won't get into it now, okay?

If you read this before the 31st, I wish you a fun-filled New Year's! May the worst day of the next year be equal to the best day of the last! Cheers!

Progress Report!

2011-12-08T08:20:00.001-05:00

Since I wrote last week, the following things have happened:

[o] I've started hula hooping
[o] I've agreed to change my "show" month at the store to January if the January artist agrees to the trade, due to horrid planning and technical difficulties
[o] I've started hooping
[o] I've hit my weight loss goal
[o] I've met and talked to author Wally Lamb twice
[o] I've started hooping

The Photo Thing:
I can't remember if I mentioned it here, but back in October, I asked my boss about the possibility of having my photography up on a "show wall" in the back of our store. He said "You want December?" and I jumped at it. I then spent November freaking out about everything else in my life except the photography, and when it came down to the wire, I went over to Dad's house to select and print the photos...and his printer stopped working.

We bought a new one, but it isn't installed yet, plus finding the time to print them all and to drive to Hartford to get good but inexpensive frames has been completely impossible thus far (partly, again, due to my failure at planning). I told my boss that I would be very late at best, and is January taken? He groaned and said yes, he gave it to a customer named Jorge, but he would ask Jorge if he would be able to get his picture up and be willing to switch. I haven't heard back from Boss Man about that just yet, but I've been off the past two days, so that's not surprising.

The Wally Lamb Thing:
Not all of you reading may know who Wally Lamb is, so I'll tell you: he's an author from Connecticut, whose sons I went to school with, whose books have been on the New York Times Bestsellers list and Oprah's Book Club, whose books I devour and adore (despite my inherent belief that Mr. Lamb creates a long list of all the horrible things that can happen to his characters and then throws darts at it). His books are beyond absorbing, his characters are wondrously fleshed out, his use of language is magical, and, overall, reading his books is like falling into a movie, or a long-running TV show, or just into the character's life. He's written four wonderful and addictive books, has a wonderful and talented family, and, unless I'm mistaken, makes his living through his writing. In other words, he, as well as the other authors on my Top Five list, is who I want to be when I grow up.

And he came into my store. TWICE.

The first time, it was busy enough that I was taking names for each drink. When I asked him for his, he said "Wally," and I had a moment of "...Wait." I squinted at him, thought it might be him, wrote his name down while deciding I wasn't going to ask in case it wasn't and I embarrassed myself, decided to hell with it, and asked him. AND IT WAS HIM. And I immediately started gushing, I am such a huge fan of yours books, I've read them all, oh wow, smiling like an idiot, in case you couldn't tell from my writing right now I'm STILL really excited that I got to meet him. He told me it was sweet of me to tell him, and was very nice, and went on his way.

Then he came in again a few days later, AND HE REMEMBERED ME. He said "You were the one who likes my books, right? I have some out in the car, which one would you like?" I did that stupid gushy smile again and said "Oh, I think I have them all, unless there's another one that I've missed?" And he mentioned his Christmas one, and I was all oh yeah, my mother gave me that one for Christmas last year, and he smiled and was nice again and went on his merry way again and I realized half an hour later WAIT DID HE JUST OFFER ME A BOOK AND I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO BASICALLY TURN HIM DOWN?

FOR EFFS SAKE RUTH.

Ahem. After the first time he came in, I went straight to my old room at my mom's house after work and got I Know This Much Is True off the shelf. I'm devouring it for I think the third time ever, and I plan on keeping it near the register every time I'm working from now on just in case he comes in again and I have the chance to ask for his signature. And tell him that he's basically one of my idols and I'm so glad he's nice and didn't shatter my dreams by being a jerk.

Okay. Done now. Man I hope he doesn't stumble on this somehow and think I'm a creepy stalker.

The Weight Thing:
I discovered this morning, not half an hour ago, that I hit my goal on the Wii Fit Plus a full three days ahead of schedule. Whee! I'm just shy off 155, in a healthy BMI range (at least according to the machine) (yes I know BMIs aren't a good form of measurement) (for the record I'm 5'6" go do your own calculations if you want), and my next goal is to love five pounds in the next month.

My goal with the exercising and eating better is not to lose a bunch of weight and be thin. All I really want is to be strong and flexible, to have energy and stamina, and just be healthy overall. I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't mind parts of me being a bit smaller, I do have some vanity when it comes to my tum and how clothes fit me and all that. But, again, the goal is not to be able to fit into a size 0 skinny jean and only eat croutons. I've been enjoying my new diet made up almost entirely by yogurt, fruit, and salad, with the occasional hunk of meat, slab of cheese, or glass of boozahol.

The Weight Thing is directly related to The Hooping Thing:
Dad gave me his old hula hoop about a month ago. It's not your typical hula hoop that you pick up at the toy store; he made this one himself from flexible plumber's pipe. It's a little bigger and a bit heavier than your average toy store hoop, which somehow makes it simultaneously easier and more physically demanding to get it spinning and keep it going. I started last Thursday, skipped Friday when I could feel a bruised ring around my waist, then started again on Saturday and haven't skipped a day since. Thursday through Monday were 10 minutes, Tuesday was 15 minutes, and yesterday was 20, plus at least half an hour in Mom's garage just trying to teach myself some simple hand tricks.

It makes me sweat from head to toe, works every muscle group from my shoulders down to my calves, and is SO. MUCH. FUN. It makes me wish I had more open indoor space to play in, though I am thankful that our living room, with the sofa pushed back is juuuuust enough room to do the basic hoop.

I'm addicted! And I plan on either decorating this one at the next get-together thrown by one of my Dad's friends/one of my regular customers, Cherese, or getting another one to decorate as this one is a bit beat up from being a practice hoop. I worked on some simple tricks yesterday, as I said, and I plan on watching more videos and practicing some more until I can purposefully hoop around my hips and knees, get it on and off me fluidly with it still spinning, learn how to step through it gracefully, etc and do it all without having to stop to fetch the hoop back from the other side of the room.

WHEE!

Yesterday was the Get Things Done Day Off, filled with laundry and shopping and other chores and errands. Some spilled into today, as will happen, but the basic plan for Effing Relax Day Off is:
[o] exercise
[o] shower
[o] eat
[o] Post Office
[o] Stephanie
[o] read more I Know This Much Is True to get myself in a good-writing groove
[o] settle down somewhere to whack at my story until Nacho time
([o] while keeping an eye on the weather)

Aaaaaand OFF I go!

How Many People Complain About Failing At Nerdery?

2011-11-30T08:39:00.001-05:00

The following conversation happened last night via Facebook:

Ruth Johnson
I just love an audience when I'm all sweaty and gross because it's warm by the espresso machines and OH YEAH I'm barring through dozens of drinks as fast as I can. HAVING PEOPLE STARE AT ME MAKES IT SO MUCH FUNNER.

· · · Share · 12 hours ago near Stafford Springs

Dorita Reyen, Karen Grace Fenech and Catsy A Turre like this.
- J Rose Konungrinn You should put up a sign at your spot that says "boiling coffee splash zone".
  12 hours ago ·
- Catsy A Turre I feel your pain, really, I do... but.. Funner...?
  12 hours ago · · 1
- Ruth Johnson IT'S A WORD CUZ I SAID SO.
  12 hours ago · · 2
- Catsy A Turre I thought you were supposed to be more of a Grammar Nazi than me? XD
  12 hours ago ·
- Ruth Johnson I'm starting to own not just labels, but my failure at meeting the requirement of these labels. I'm really bad at being a nerd girl, a grammar nazi, a hipster artist, etc etc despite possessing all the qualities that put my in those categories in the first place. I can't tell if it's ironic or meta or if it just makes me even more of a hipster.
  12 hours ago · · 3

I kinda whipped up that last comment at the moment, but I've been realizing how true it is.

I wear gaming t-shirts and have a wish list of geek-themed accessories (Mario star earrings, companion cube necklace, etc), but I've barely played any video games. I played a couple of Super Marios on my Gameboy--an original one, the big gray brick, my first game player of any kind until I was gifted a Game Cube six or seven years ago. I've played through the Halos and the Half-Lifes. I've done multiplayer in games like Call of Duty and MarioKart. I've started Final Fantasy III and Pokemon: Diamond multiple times, only to get bored of the repetitive playing styles and quit. And, of course, I have a couple of mid- and high-level characters in World of Warcraft. But ask me anything about the mechanics of WoW, test my memory on the storyline in any of the Halo or Half-Life games, and I fail. I have a shirt from Dear Friends, a concert of Final Fantasy music that Ryan attended years ago and gave me a t-shirt from, and whenever I wear it in public I get a couple of people fanboy/fangirling over it...and I have to admit that I didn't actually go, and I wouldn't have truly appreciated it if I had.

I stopped pursuing the idea of being an copyeditor when I realized that I didn't know enough of the rules of grammar and syntax to really be good at it. I still get stuck on who/whom, lie/lay, affect/effect, etc etc. I still use "them" when referring to a single theoretical person*. If there existed a test to qualify for being a true grammar nerd, I am sure I would not pass it with flying colors. I may not fail it, but I wouldn't get a very high score, either.

If someone were to ask me what camera settings I use for my photography, or wanted to discuss great artists of any medium, I'd have no satisfactory response for them (*see). I'm winging it without technical knowledge or inspirational reference. And don't get me started on printing or framing, something I'll be doing in the next few days only with my father's help. I squeal over camera-themed accessories and half the things over at Photojojo, but I don't feel worthy of wearing or using them.

I feel like a poser. A fake. A fraud.

And whenever I try to study the little details that would, in my mind, legitimize my nerdgirl/grammar nerd/artist status--studying Strunk & White or my camera manual or WoW guides--it just doesn't work. Instead of sticking, all the information slides off my brain as if it were covered in Teflon. I can repeat, I can take notes, I can make cheat sheets, but nothing stays.

Why does it matter? Partly because I have issues that make me think I can't assert myself as a "real" nerd or photographer unless I'm Official Expert. Partly because I know that learning these things would help me enjoy the activities more. Knowing the mechanics and ratios in WoW would allow me to be a more active player, knowing how all the buttons and settings on my cameras work would lead to better art, etc.

Then, of course, there's the tie-in to my ongoing identity crisis where I want to feel solid behind the roles I want to play in my life and the values I want to stand behind...and to some people, nerd and artist may not be important parts of an identity. To me, they are, because I can feel they're part of who I am. But I'm failing at them (at least in my mind).

So...what to do?

Things I Am Thankful For:

2011-11-24T20:03:00.001-05:00

(in no particular order)
-that I have a job
-that I really like my job and those I work with
-that Ryan found a job
-that Ryan found a job that probably won't make him miserable
-that both of our jobs offer health insurance
-that all my parents are (relatively) happy and (relatively) healthy
-that I have many friends in many states that remind me on a regular basis that I'm loved and accepted
-that I have a place to live and food to eat and gas to put in my car
-that we have a wedding to pay for
-and, now, money to plan it with!
-that Ryan and I are both making good changes to our life to be happier and healthier
-that tonight's meal went off without any crucial hitches
-that even my gray clouds have silver linings
:)

Chugging Away.

2011-11-20T09:37:00.001-05:00

Love how last entry was titled "I'm Back, Baby!"...then a week and a half of silence...

The best and biggest news since I last wrote a blog post: Ryan got a job! After interviewing for three different First Niagara branches, he was hired as a part-time teller at the Storrs location, after an interview he was sure went badly. I won't go into the specific details of why him getting this job is awesome, but the general details are: good pay, benefits off the bat (including vacation and sick time starting in January), and he gets paid for two weeks of training before he ever starts.

He got the phone call from the HR woman after a morning of me poking our money spreadsheet and getting really anxious about finances, so I just about cried when he told me. Of course, then we had to go out and buy him a lot of business attire, which ain't cheap, but at least we can pay it off pretty quickly! Plus he loves to get all spiffed up, so he's all happy.

In other news, I've been working hard at changing my habits for the better. I've only had one "bad" meal a day for the past three days (as opposed to all of them being "bad"), the other meals being made up of whole grains or salads or yogurts or fruits, with lots of yogurt or fruit or hummus snacks when I get munchie. Last night I was left to my own devices to come up with dinner from the grocery store, something I'm ~~not all that great~~ terribly at, and I made myself a salad from the Stop & Shop salad bar, with lots of veggies (broccoli! peppers! tomatoes! even spinach!) and a couple of hard boiled eggs, and picked up a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette instead of ranch. Progress!

I've also been getting on my own back about exercising. After realizing that Ryan really had been keeping up with the exercise for a week straight, while I'd been sitting on my duff, I've gotten on the Wii Fit three out of the past four days; I gave myself yesterday off because I had to get up at 7 just to go to work, and my calves were killing me from my workout on Friday morning. Today was a little less enthusiastic, I'll admit, but my calves are still killing me, and I didn't sleep well last night...but I weighed in and did some yoga, so that's better than nothing!

My dad also gave me his old hula hoop, which is heavier and easier to use than most traditional hoops. It's fun! And there's juuuuust enough space in the living room for me to do it without breaking anything. Plus there's always outside...until temperature disallows.

So, yeah: money problems will soon be a thing of the past, we're both working hard at being healthy, and we have Ryan's birthday and Thanksgiving to look forward to this coming week. Whee!

I'm Back, Baby!

2011-11-10T12:23:00.001-05:00

Two and a half weeks later, we've survived a snowstorm, 11 days without any power, heat, or running water, several days of dealing with other customers in similar situations at one of the only places in town with power and internet, and a two or three several-day-long runs between showers.

I don't want to say "It all really sucked," even though it did. I was cold from the moment I got home until halfway to work every day; we were showering at Ryan's father's house every couple of days; we only had the chance to do laundry there once, so I was wearing a lot of dirty clothes; I was brushing my teeth at work every morning; we were melting snow to flush the toilet; and finally, we missed the season premiere of Bones. The misery!

On the other hand, we were relatively lucky in that we had a couple of places to go to charge things and shower and feel warm for a little bit. Going to work was a definite lifesaver, most of the time. I say "most of the time" because by the last couple of days, I felt filthy and stupid and just...not human. I was a wreck. Mom got power back on Tuesday, so I was able to shower before work, and it made a huge difference. I didn't have to concentrate to remember which were the big lids or little lids, which coffee needed to be brewed, or if 8 was 5 plus 2 or 3.

...I'm not kidding, by the way. It was always that number, too; Sunday and Monday, every time I had to create 8 dollars in change, I had to think if I added one or two singles to the five. What the hell.

Ryan stayed surprisingly upbeat during the whole thing, especially once we borrowed the radio from Mom and he had music to fill the hours. We also did our best to be productive, which resulted in our little home being almost completely furnished and decorated to our hopes, something we thought would take a couple of months. I'd come home to find a few pictures hung up, or the kitchen organized, or the bookcase rearranged.

Of course, he also racked up over 30 hours in Final Fantasy V on his GameBoy DS, but whatever. It's not like I read through 5 books in as many nights or anything...

I am extremely proud of Ryan for his humor and optimism throughout the entire thing, especially as he was the worst off of the two of us. He had no job to go to for distraction, his favorite activities all require internet or at least electricity, and a combination of no running dehumidifier and several hours of smoky candles every night made him wheeze and cough and snore like you wouldn't believe.

The biggest difference this made to us, besides being pretty miserable for almost two weeks and spending way more on fast food than I would like to admit, is the diet. Ryan had planned on starting his cleanse, the first 10 days of his 100 day extreme diet, on Monday the 31st. Due to the fact that cleanses usually involve, you know, cleansing one's system, and we were resorting to flushing our toilet infrequently with melted snow (a toilet, I should add, that resides in a room with no windows to either let in light or let out smells), he decided to postpone the cleanse, for the sake of both our comfort and our relationship.

We finally got power back on Tuesday evening, and have been thoroughly enjoying it the past two days...even if we spent almost the entirety of Wednesday out of the house. We can watch TV! We can run the dehumidifier! We don't have to go to sleep at 10 just because we're bored! The amazement never ends!

Yesterday we bought $70 dollars of fruits and vegetables, last night he had his last soda (Coca-Cola), last beer (Stella Artois), and last pizza (Frank Pepe in Manchester, half sausage and peppers, half chicken and bacon), and today began The Cleanse. His breakfast was an Apple Pear smoothie, made with 2 apples, 2 pears, half a cup of grapes, a chunk of ginger, and some cinnamon. Pretty tasty! We also updated our Wii Fit Plus profiles to start fresh, and Ryan decided to do a run. He covered a little over three miles in half an hour, burning almost 350 calories! Color my impressed.

I am being a weenie and not doing a cleanse. It's party being a wimp over not wanting to eat only fruits and veggies for 10 days, and part is being concerned with how I'd fare at work. Besides, someone has to eat the leftover now-forbidden food left in the house, right?

On Sunday, the 20th, we'll start the next, biggest phase: 90 days following an almost vegan diet: no meat, no dairy, no processed food, no sugar, no caffeine, staying almost entirely to produce, whole grains, and legumes.

In the next 10 days, I'll be doing a combination of weaning and last hurrahs, getting in my last bits of favorite soon-to-be-off-limits foods while lessening the amount of fat, sugar, caffeine, and dairy I partake in each day. Have I mentioned where I work? Have I asked for many wishes of good luck?

Honestly, I am looking forward to it, to the challenge of it, the healthy habits we'll be learning, and the undoubtedly delicious creations Ryan will be whipping up for us with his new pantry.

I'll keep you posted!

At Least I Tried?

2011-10-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

Sooo my paycheck was not as pleasing as I had hoped. Yes, it had all my hours from my last week in Indiana and my first week in Connecticut...but they were all charged at the Indiana pay rate, which is over a dollar less than my current, Connecticut pay rate. I probably wouldn't let it slip anyway, but then they charged me both state's taxes without paying both rates? That ain't coo'.

I called the payroll number, she was very helpful, all that has to happen is my boss has to file some kind of action tomorrow and I should have retroactive pay in my next paycheck this Friday.

(On a side note--getting paid every week as opposed to every other week? I think I can do that!)

Work is still going well in the areas of the actual work and the people I work with. The only problem, currently, is the physical demand. I can't remember if I mentioned it in da blog, but my back was killing me during the week, and I decided it was from barring for hours on end; bending at the waist to lift gallons of milk from knee-or shin-height. There's also the sauce pumps and the spray-washer-thingie in the sink, but those are mostly working on my neck and shoulders. My back is definitely from the gallons of milk.

So on Friday I tried a different method: Instead of bending, I would squat down, grab a gallon, then stand up. It worked beautifully for my back! No problem at all! My thighs, on the other hand, still hurt two days later. I spent yesterday ~~whining~~ walking like I was on stilts, I was wobbly despite all efforts to exert control over my limbs. Fortunately, I didn't bar my entire shift...just part of it!

Of course, then I went to Catsy's house. She has stairs. I whined a lot.

I went to Catsy's to follow through on my promise: there was a bar in Plainville having a Batman-themed Halloween party, and she convinced me to go with her.

I should mention that Catsy and Batman...I don't even know the correct word. Addiction...obsession...fixation...to say she has a thing for Batman (and everything related to him) is just an understatement. There is no apt way of putting it without doing it injustice. She also loves to dress up (although not as much as she loves Batman...she doesn't love anything that much...), so a Halloween party with a Batman theme? MUST GO! MUST DANCE!

We got all gussied in bellydancer and gypsy gear and set out for the bar. It ended up being...pretty lame. Most of the crowd were the regular bar-going type, in jeans and leather and regular clothing. The band wasn't really bad, just LOUD. There were a few other costumes, some of them even Batman-related (Joker, Two-Face, Riddler, etc)...but we still stuck out a bit. So we left.

Then I felt crappy...then I threw up on the side of the road...then we went home.

I AM SO MUCH FUN.

Honestly, even with the failbar and the nausea, we had fun and laughed a lot. And fortunately, I have today and Monday off, so I can recuperate...between the other plans I/we've made. But they're good plans, fun plans, recuperation-of-the-soul kind of plans, so it's all good! :)

Money! Ja Gut!

2011-10-20T12:37:00.002-04:00

I've spent the past month bugging the hell out of my superiors at my new store, asking if they'd seen or heard any sign of where my paycheck from Indiana could be. No one had any answers. Finally called Partner Contact Number, just got off the phone--it'll be in tomorrow's check! Woohoo! So tomorrow I'll have 32.5 hours of Indiana pay and 37.5 hours of Connecticut pay, AND I'll finally find out exactly how much I'm being paid here in Connecticut. Oh, and we can finally pay our first month's rent. Huzzah for money!

Blasts From The Past

2011-10-16T12:05:00.001-04:00

One of the more interesting things about my new store is the location. As I've mentioned, my store is directly across from my old high school--and when I say directly, I mean I can look up from the bar, out the front windows, and see the front door of the school. This means we can watch the buses gather and prepare ourselves for the coming wave, and, if I'm not barring like the wind or floating like a badass butterfly, I scan the crowd for the familiar faces of former teachers.

I've seen a couple so far, as well as some of the non-teaching faculty. I've only seen four teachers that I actually had, all of them English: Mr. Barnes, Mr. Mingrone, Mr. Andersen, and Ms. Abercrombie. I had them for 11A English, 10A English, and Creative Writing, respectively.

Mr. Barnes was a great teacher in more ways that one. The best memorable thing I know about him isn't even my memory; it's my friend Michael's. Michael was in English class on September 11th 2001, when the school stopped the regular schedule to figure out what to do. Mr. Barnes had the TV on so everyone could watch the news. When the administration cut off the entire TV network, Mr. Barnes got up, went to his closet, and got out a radio without saying a word. He just turned it on to a news radio station, and the class stared at that instead.

Mr. Mingrone was my first high school teacher to assign creative writing work. I still have poetry from those assignments stashed away somewhere, partly because I like them and partly because of the comments he wrote on them. They were all encouraging, and not just generic "good job following the assignment." His comments encouraged me to keep going. I said hello to him this past week when he came in for coffee, but he didn't appear to recognize me. While I'm honestly not surprised--I was in his class nine years ago and he's had thousands of students before and after me--it did make me a little sad. He was a favorite teacher for his stories from his years as a carnie, and his alternatively whimsical and cynical sense of humor. When the TVs were turned off on 9/11, my friend Danielle was in Mingrone's class. He turned to the students and said "Well, obviously you guys aren't mature enough to deal with these terrible events. Let's instead turn back to our current book, The Crucible, where a person's biggest worry was being persecuted and burned to death on the accusation of being a witch!"

I also almost got in a car accident with him once. Anyone who has had to navigate the intersection of Spring Hill and Davis Roads can tell you that it's a tricky one. We had a good laugh about it.

Moving on.

Mr. Andersen and Ms. Abercrombie came in just last night, an hour or so before I clocked out. They're actually a married couple who hand Creative Writing back and forth every year. I forget if I took it in my Junior and first Senior year, or if I took it both Senior years, but the point is that I took Creative Writing twice, and got to enjoy both of their teaching styles.

They remembered me! They both gave me looks when they got up to the counter, like "Heyyy..." Ms. Abercrombie was on her cell phone and went to a table to finish her conversation, while Mr. Andersen ordered their drinks (and their son's pastry). I had to tell him my name, but he did remember me! And asked if I was still writing. We chatted a bit about how hard it is to find time, and how he's almost done with his novel that he's been working on for three years! Ms. Abercrombie came up after she got off the phone, and said "Ruth...it is so good to see you! I knew I knew you, bu your hair threw me off!" She seemed really pleased to see me, and said that I'd definitely be seeing her.

That really...really made my day. My whole week. My Creative Writing teachers, two of the biggest pushes I've ever had, remember me! Positively, even! Heeeeeeeeeeeee....

...and now I've sent friend requests to both of them on Facebook. Whee!

On the English note, NaNoWriMo is coming right up...and I'm torn. Do I participate? If I do, do I do a parallel participation, try to either finish or add 50,000 words to Found, the novel I started last November? Do I start a brand new project and be "official"? Do I only participate insofar as I spread the good word about it and encourage (that is, annoy) my friends who are participating?

Decisions, decisions.

I do know that it's time to get back down to business. We're settled, I'm comfortable at work, and the pressing matters in my life are either appointment-based or temporary (doctor's appointments, laundry, etc). While my store may be constantly busy, there are tables available once in a while, and there's also a cafe in Stafford that looks to be a pretty nice place to write an afternoon away. Somehow, I gotta get a groove going.

Speaking of getting going, it's noon now and I haven't really started the day yet. It may be chore day, photography day, writing day, or lazing day...not sure quite yet. Whee!

More New Things From My New Store

2011-10-14T11:37:00.001-04:00

Something I've had a very hard time getting used to: coffee cadence. While every store in Indiana stopped brewing decaf and bold after noon, here they don't stop until much later at night. Brew station is also not just the responsibility of the "front person" (we're all front...no drive-thru) but of anyone who is free at that moment to start the next batch. We don't pre-grind, so it's always fresher, and the rule of thumb is to keep an eye on the timer and start working on the next urn when there's two minutes left. That's all fine and dandy, but it's still tricky for me. I'm used to either being all about brew station, or doing my best to ignore it (saying I ignored it is a straight lie. I got a wee bit obsessed about it. I'm a little crazy). Now I have to pay attention to it, but it can't be my biggest priority, no matter what my position.

It's steady enough that being on bar or register basically means you're planted there for a good while. Float means you're doing whatever the other two need of you, which, again, is pretty steady: getting plain coffee for customers (or starting mistos or red eyes), fetching pastries, warming pastries or sandwiches, grinding customer's coffee, rinsing pitchers, fetching ice, fetching milk, stocking cups/lids/sleeves/syrups, trading out dish tubs, and, of course, keeping up with the cadence. I was float for almost two hours at the start of yesterday's shift, and I felt like a chicken with my head cut off. I finally hit the rhythm of it right before my ten, but most of it I felt like I was prioritizing things wrong, rinsing pitchers when I should have been fetching a pastry, warming a bagel when I should have been fetching ice, etc. I think I'll get there eventually, but yesterday, it basically sucked. (It's possible that my sense of Constantly Doing It Wrong was due to the attitude of the guy on register, who is hard to read leaning toward impatience, but I was probably also Doing It Wrong).

I spent the rest of my shift, even after returning from breaks, was barring. I. Love. Barring. I'm pretty sure just about every barista loves to bar. There is something so deeply fulfilling about it, finding a rhythm to complete a set list of small tasks that eventually turn an empty cup covered in Sharpie markings into a delicious beverage. And when it's double barring, making a hot drink and a cold drink while prepping another drink, ahhh...you find a rhythm, you time things between steaming and pouring shots and blending and finishing, and it's delicious.

I rang customers most of my first day, and that was also pretty nice: mark cups, scan things, explain drinks, make small talk, grab pastries or coffee is the float is busy elsewhere, collect money, and never have to move or really worry about anything else.

Other things!

[o] It wasn't until clocking out on Tuesday that I realized that it wasn't just this week that was posted....or next week...but the entire month! I don't know if this month was special, but it could be that my SM does multiple weeks of scheduling at a time. Hallelujah!

[o] Same time I realized there were multiple weeks of schedules, I realized that my next two weeks only have 29 hours. This worried me a bit, as I was under the impression that, due to their desperation for mids and my strong desire to work only mids, I'd get all the hours I could handle. Yesterday I finally got the chance to ask my SM about it, and he asked if 29 was a good number or if I'd like more. I told him I'll take all the hours he'll give me, and he said "Oh, okay, I can totally do that." Saweet!

[o] In Connecticut, we get paychecks every week. Doesn't really change how much we're earning, but I get to feel a little richer, at least. Today will be my first payday, and I'll finally get to see what I earn! And hopefully find my last Indiana paycheck! Wouldn't that be nice.

[o] My co-workers are pretty much all-around awesome. (Not as awesome as Indiana, of course, but that'd be all but impossible to do). It's pretty much the same ratio of college students to working stiffs, with many of the working stiffs done with college, either due to graduating or being sick of the bureaucracy. Point is, they all seem to be really smart, but not stuck up assholes about it. There's also a healthy smattering of artsy hippies, which makes my heart happy.

[o] This particular store has art on the wall that is obviously not sent by corporate. I asked someone who's been at the store for a while, and she said that the store has a contract with the UConn Photography Club. Nice! She also told me that it is possible for partners to have their work put up, it's been done before. Someone's going to have a talk with the boss soon!

In other news, Ryan is at a job interview right this second for a part-time bank teller position. Not counting chickens...but hoping!

My First Day At Work Part III: The Caffeinating.

2011-10-11T23:03:00.001-04:00

SO. I had planned allllll day to make a long-ish post, mostly paragraphs, talking about my first day at my new story in Storrs. HOWEVER. Two weeks of not working added to a seven-and-a-half-hour shift added to a very late meal added to a long day added to not having anything to eat since a slice of pizza almost six hours ago added to poor sleep last night equals out to a fairly brief entry.

(Note from author made halfway through this entry: apparently it's not going to be brief after all. Consider this your warning, all you readers somewhat new to my blog. For those not new: it's about average length.)

Here goes!

Things that are different at my new story:
[o] Fresh bananas! They're a pain in the ass to peel without touching the actual banana before blending. They actually make it take a little bit longer. They also apparently make for a lot of waste what with store-until dates and times when they've arrived in a...less than appetizing form. I didn't even know bananas could sweat. Verdict: boo.
[o] Recycling! Milk jugs, cartons (soy, juice, dairy), syrup containers, and newspapers all go in a recycling bin! My inner hippie is ecstatic! Verdict: woo!
[o] Ice bin! There's only one! It's like the long one at Ironwood, more of a trough than a bin, but I'm learning how to deal with it pretty quickly. Verdict: meh.
[o] Ice maker! Back to the plastic scoop and no velcro to keep the lid from smashing my hand! Boo!
[o] Blenders! They're attached to a bar at about hip height. And there's only two pitchers, one regular and one soy. Boo.
[o] Boss Man! He's a lot like my dad, an aging hippie just dripping with snark who likes to bust his workers' balls, mutters about customers under his breath on the floor, and outright calls them assholes and idiots in the back room. WOO!
[o] Co-workers! They're very nice and very friendly and very sarcastic. I like 'em. They also take care of each other on the floor. There was never a moment when it felt like someone was being abandoned while ringing or barring or anything else. Support is a given, scheduled in. And with how busy it was, that was really, really nice to have. Woo!
[o] Bars! THERE'S TWO OF THEM RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. When it gets really busy, you can pour four shots and steam two pitchers AT THE SAME TIME. I'd make a :D face but it wouldn't be a smile, it'd be a jaw dropped from the sheer wonder of it all! WOO!
[o] The order! It gets dropped off in the middle of the store, leaving us to cart it into the back to be sorted and put away. UGH. Boo.
[o] You know all those containers and tools we baristas use and take for granted every day, things like whips and pitchers and blenders? Yeah...as I mentioned, there were only two frappucinno pitchers, plus only four milk pitchers in use at any given time, and I'm pretty sure the store only has a half a dozen whips. And people, I was going through a whip every 20 minutes during the afternoon rush.
[o] And the one we've all been waiting for, especially me, TIPS. Drum roll please......around TWO BUCKS AN HOUR. Once again: :D WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ahem. *composes self*

I got to work about 15 minutes early, just in time to go downstairs with Boss Man and another, much newer worker to get our cars registered with the plaza people (and learn that the trees behind our building are getting torn down for the new expansion, grumble grumble snarl hiss). I clocked in, the shift asked if I was up for barring, I said yes and jumped right in. Apart from figuring out where things are, it was pretty smooth, and it was awesome to get in a groove and do my favorite part of my job. It was really nice.

It was also really busy. Or, I thought it was busy, although still not as bad as I was expecting. I spent most of the day thinking: Yeah. I can do this. This is busy, and it's challenging, but my boss and co-workers are assuring me that I'm not mucking things up, and everyone seems really nice, and it's definitely do-able. Yeah! Then I talked to Mom on the phone hours later and found out that E.O. Smith (for those in Indiana, that's the high school di-rectly across from my store) was closed today for some kind of staff work day. That rush? That had no students.

Fuhhhh.

There was one bump today: I clocked in at 11, I got my first ten around 1ish...didn't get my meal until 4:30. I'm not entirely clear what happened, but I'm fairly certain it was a staff problem...either it wasn't done well ahead of time, or a partner mucked it up somehow. Not clear. Anyway. I clocked out for my meal, and I was all cranky about it, and decided hell with it, I'm getting myself a slice of pizza for lunch. The woman at Domino's informed me that the slice lunch special ended at 2...but she'd give it to me for free for the trouble. Then I went to the convenience store, got myself a juice...the clerk rummaged up a .50 cent off coupon to use on it, then gave me a few more for later use. I used the last 10 minutes or so to poke around the Portal and see if I could locate my last paycheck; Boss Man said he'd give payroll a call to help me find it.

Thanks, Universe! :D

Overall, it was a really great day. After work I went to a twenty-somethings women's group my therapist put together, and it was really great. I got to stop by Willington Pizza Too on the way home and correct a tipping error from a few nights ago, which made me feel a lot better. I got home to find ice cream in the freezer because Ryan wanted to get me something nice. :)

The best part was coming home, being able to take off my shoes and relax, having a space that's ours, that I helped put together and make tidy and welcoming and comfortable. And now I've done my required computer stuff and I've eaten dinner; now I can take a shower and climb into bed with clean jammies and a good book.

Happy sigh.

New Beginnings...But Aren't All Beginnings New?

2011-10-08T10:56:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, it's been over a week and I haven't said anything else.

I'm just...I don't know what to say. While I was in Indiana, this blog was mostly to let my friends and family in Connecticut (and other parts) see how I was doing, what I was up to. But now I'm here, back in Connecticut, and 95% of my readers are now participants in the life I'd be writing about. This now makes blogging about my life both less interesting for them, and more complicated for me.

I have to remind myself: I do have other things to write about!

[o] In the next three months, Ryan and I will be taking on a wild lifestyle change--radically changing what we eat, and dedicating ourselves to exercise and being more physical in general. Seeing as both of us ~~are addicted to~~ love starch and sugar and caffeine and fat and all that delicious stuff, this is going to be...challenging, to say the least.

[o] In the next year, we're planning a wedding! So many decisions to think about, sweat over, go back and forth on, and write about in stupid, no-one-else-but-me-cares detail.

[o] Coming up in just three days, I start at a new store, right across from my old high school, right on the college campus that many friends work on or attend. A store that is much busier than any I've worked in for any period of time, with a dozen brand new people and so many differences from my past two stores!

[o] Part of what I've been looking forward to in moving back to Connecticut is PHOTOGRAPHY. Connecticut is one of the prettiest places anywhere, and I happen to live in what some people term "the middle of nowhere," and others term as "paradise." Trees trees trees TREES, fields, antique houses, streams and rivers and cliffs...Indiana was pretty, I grant you, but when you grow up surrounded by forest, there is just nothing else for it. It's a smorgasbord!

[o] Oh, and writing! I plan on becoming very serious about writing, especially now that moving isn't the main focus of every spare second. There's even a little cafe not even five minutes from my house, right in the center of town, that seems like the perfect retreat...

[o] And, of course, I'm going back to therapy to figure out a LOT of shit about myself. That's a touchier subject, that may be written about less...but if you've read over this blog, you may already know that I'm not always shy when it comes to my personal identity stuff.

See? TONS to talk about still!

See you soon :)

2011-09-27T22:33:00.001-04:00

Tonight is our last night in South Bend.

The past two days have been a complete mess of packing and stuffing and cleaning and AAAAA.

I am exhausted and useless and tomorrow I have to drive 550+ miles, over 9 hours, to Pennsylvania. WHEE.

I wanted to stay something...but I don't know what. And I'm too tired to think.

It's good, though. I can't wait to get home, and I love the people I've met and things I've experienced and learned and...everything.

Bah. Hopefully I'll be able to speak better when I'm home and less hurried and...yeah.

Love.

BusyBusyBusy (with a dose of ARGH)

2011-09-22T23:12:00.000-04:00

WELL.

I double-booked last-big-hang-out plans with both Aurelie and the rest of Apt 131 for tomorrow. I had forgotten that the apartment had planned a Lord of the Rings marathon (BJ has never seen, we finally own all three, we love them, etc etc) and told Aurelie we could go to Lake Michigan. Figured out my big mistake at the beginning of the week and began the mad scramble to fix it.

Tuesday, That One said that even better than trading his Thursday for my Saturday, he would just takemy Saturday, since he needed the hours. He just needed to talk to his friend who he'd made kinda-sorta-plans with, but he'd call the store that night to let me know!

...yeah, he never called back. Texting him on Wednesday got no response. Fortunately, Diana agreed to trade, so I still got Saturday off! Yay! All I had to do was work her 7:30 shift today!

...UGH.

[o] I closed last night. Left about quarter to 11 (not the best close, whole different ball of WTH).
[o] My sleep was craptastic. I don't think I got a whole hour the entire night. Just awful.
[o] Got up at 6:30, worked 7:30 to 1:30, was a moron the entire time due to sleep deprivation and unhappy stomach not allowing me much caffeine intake.
[o] Get home, get in the shower, have just enough time to get lunch at 933...and not really do anything else.
[o] On the way to Goshen to meet Aurelie, get a text from That One's girlfriend (who I'm friends with) relaying a message from him: he can totally take my Saturday shift! ...yeah, about that. Gave up on that after zero response. Go ask Diana if she wants the shift that is now hers, thanks for letting me know I worked today for nothing, JERKFACE. (I was nicer than that to his girlfriend, obviously).
[o] Hang out with Aurelie at the Goshen Starbucks, good times, good times...hey, why are these ladies setting up candles? Oh, they're hosting a Party Lites event, okay...some of their friends are here, okay...some more friends...now kids....now we're surrounded by a large crowd of loud and excited women getting way too happy about candles and completely ruining our attempts to study/write. FUN.
[o] Get home, open the door to get hit in the face with the smell of cat urine. Horace went in today to get fixed, Ryan picked him up, he pissed in the box on the way home. While he's cleaned himself off (mostly) (he's also adorably drugged), both he and the carrier still reek, making the living area completely inhospitable. So much for watching TV.

Honestly, the only person I'm annoyed with is That One, for obvious reasons. My co-workers today were nice, it was awesome to spend some more time with Aurelie, and I'm hella looking forward to tomorrow's Lord of the Rings-a-thon.

...but MAN. TODAY. BE DONE NOW.

The next week (and then some):
[o] Friday: Lord of the Rings-a-thon, hanging out/baking/drinking with Aurelie and friends in Goshen in the evening, sleeping over to make Saturday an easier start
[o] Saturday: Lake Michigan! WOO! Plus packing in the evening.
[o] Sunday: Last day at Ireland, off at 5:30, may try for another night out with co-workers, but definitely lots of packing after work.
[o] Monday: All-day-come-over-any-time-mostly-933-people party as we continue packing & cleaning.
[o] Tuesday: Scramble to finish shoving everything into the trailer and call to have it picked up that night so we don't have to wait around for it on Wednesday. Bed will be completely packed, so we're spending the night at the hotel next to 933.
[o] Wednesday: Grab breakfast at 933, say good-bye, start driving. End night in Pennsylvania.
[o] Thursday: Continue driving, arrive in Connecticut.
[o] Friday-Sunday: Say hi to everyone, visit my new store, figure out flooring and possibly new furniture, get as settled as we can without 99% of our stuff.
[o] Monday: Trailer arrives, start unpacking.

Meanwhile, my Etsy store is on vacation since (a) we're moving, (b) the listings expired yesterday, and (c) I haven't decided what to list (or re-list) and plan on polling my fanbase (ha) for ideas.

Finally, on a ridiculously sappy note, today is what only I am calling our pre-anniversary. One year from today is Ryan's and my wedding date. :)

Now, back to trying to unkink the stress from my back...

It Hath Begun!

2011-09-20T12:12:00.000-04:00

Saturday was Ryan's last day at Target. He had considered calling out, then decided against it...and good thing, too, since almost everyone else working that night called out instead! He ended up being a cart attendant for most of the night.

Sunday was spent recovering.

Yesterday, after I left for work at 5:30, he went to work. By the time I got home, about half of our stuff was packed--that is, most of the bookshelf and our bedroom closet. Most of what's left basically has to wait until a couple days before we actually move--our desks, our clothing, etc.

We have a route mapped out (Ryan knows the details, I just know it goes through Pennsylvania), we have our hotels booked (for the night before (since we'll have packed our mattress) and the halfway point), we've bought our driving supplies (snacks, drinks, wet wipes, sunscreen). Soon we'll start picking which CDs we'll want handy in the car, and planning which clothes and belongings we'll want for the almost-week before our trailer arrives.

Today I'm ripping physical CDs into my computer, moving important things from PC to thumbdrive to Mac to iPad to Google whatever and on and on, and changing the address for my magazines and credit cards. Whee!

I'm trying not to think about all the things I wish I could have done that there just isn't time for, or all the money issues (delays while paychecks are mailed, insurance coming out of a half-paycheck, tolls, etc), the fact that my most of my last week I have to work with That One...just getting things done and enjoying the time I have left with my friends here.

....let's pretend that's working, shall we?

Whups...

2011-09-13T12:25:00.001-04:00

I've been bad again with the updates...sorry about that.

I've also been bad with calling anybody, making or keeping plans to hang out with people, and basically anything that doesn't involve sticking my head in the sand.

I am...so stressed out. A lot of it is from guilt, from the aforementioned lack of calls or socializing. I also end up feeling guilty whenever money is tight, despite the fact that I'm not running out spending it on stupid things, or sitting back while Ryan does, or anything like that.

-We move in two weeks in a day. We were originally leaving on Tuesday, the 27th, but the U-Pack trailer won't be picked up until Wednesday, and we sure as hell aren't driving away with our stuff still sitting in the Park Jefferson parking lot. Oh, and our stuff probably won't get there until Monday the 3rd, almost a week later. We COULD guarantee its delivery by Friday, but that's $600 extra. EFF THAT.
-Ryan's last day at Target is either Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, depending on if he gets one or both of the last two covered. It's going to be a relief for both of us, that place has not been kind to him in the least, but it's also means I'll be the only paycheck from then until he gets a job in Connecticut.
-Ry plans on spending his time between quitting and moving packing, since I'm still working up until the 25th. Then he'll be doing most of the loading when the trailer arrives on the 23rd since, again, I'm working that weekend. He's fine with this, and I have full confidence in him, but I still feel guilty that he'll be doing the majority of the labor for this.
-I have two weeks before I leave Indiana, not to visit for who knows how long. I feel this intense pressure to get in as much awesome hanging out as possible before then, especially with Aurelie, my best friend who will most likely be going to Africa in January, and our roommates, who we've become very close to. However, as I mentioned, stress makes me withdraw, which is not conducive to socializing. Ergh.
-Money is tight. Tighttighttight. Our parents are helping, which we can't thank them for enough, but it all has to go to the move itself, so until then we're sucking it in and holding our breath. Fun.
-Work is stressful and frustrating. That One keeps getting written up but not fired, we had our health & sanitation inspection and didn't do very well, I keep hoping to throw together one last hang out with the co-workers I like but scheduling it sucks, etc etc. On the other hand, I have a hard time thinking about anything other than work when I'm there, so I'm not piling stress on top of stress?
-I have to get together a party for 933, it's a requirement, but I've put off planning until the last minute, and it's not going well. The going plan right now is the Monday before we leave, since we'll both be free, the apartment will be mostly empty with lots of room for people, it might even be cleaned up, and it can be an all-day drop-in-a-thon, for openers or closers or whatevers. Not sure if it's going to work out, though. Argh.

On a more positive note, Ryan and I have been talking about other future stuff, when we have to not talk about the move. We've been working on schematics for a future dream house, which has also been a great way to talk about the future and what we want our lives to be like, both in grand schemes and daily details. There's wedding talk, of course, but it still doesn't feel concrete to me, and won't until we're settled in Connecticut and have a way to figure out budget and everything that follows.

Finally, we've been talking about diet and exercise. I've mentioned in past entries that Ryan has been putting together a plan for when we back, starting with seeing a doctor and a nutritionist, moving on to cleanses and major diet changes and exercise routines, and ending with a happy, healthy lifestyle. We had a long talk about it yesterday, I found out more of his plans, and we're getting pretty excited about it.

...well, that's the update for now. I'm about to print off something, then go to work a bit early to see if anything less than three hours isn't enough to get some writing done.

Oh yeah, the print--I made my first sale! Not on Etsy, but when a co-worker followed a link from Facebook to Tumblr and asked about a photo that she loved that wasn't in the shop. Funnily enough, it's the same print that Kitty and Alex picked out for their wedding present. Meanwhile, Fibonacci's Flower has been growing more and more popular. I plan on putting it in the shop when I reopen it after the move. That's another whole post in itself!

Off I go!

2011-09-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago, the particular day's schedule at E. O Smith High School had students in a double-A block. I had two English classes in a row. We were on break between them when a friend of mine came up and said they just watched a plane fly into a building. He was in U.S. History at the time, so I thought he was talking about footage from some old war. I went back to English class, and the television was on, and I saw that it had just happened. We watched the footage of the first plane flying into the first tower, and the aftermath, and wondered what made the pilot make such a huge mistake. Then we turned off the television and went back to class. It wasn't until we next changed classes that we learned that another plane had hit.

I went to Human Behavior, and we sat and watched the news. I was allowed to call my mother from the classroom phone, to make sure our family members who live outside D.C. were okay. I watched classmates hold each other, eyes filled with years, staring at the screen, and I still couldn't really understand what was happening. I just knew it was...awful.

I don't remember why I didn't see the first tower fall, but I'll never forget watching the second tower go down. It was...breathtaking. Like being in a vacuum. It was inconceivable. It lasted forever. It was soundless, through the television, when it should have been deafening. It was unreal.

I remember school being let out, most of my group of friends automatically, mindlessly congregating to the alcove we all hung around after school, until Michael came up and said "What are you doing? Get on your busses! Go home!" I remember that all the Mansfield students were wearing flag pins that day, although I can't remember why. I remember listening to the radio when I got home, every show turned into a call-in to talk about what had happened, peoples' thoughts and theories.

I remember that tower falling for what seemed like forever.

I hate that it's become the "cool thing" to not care about what happened on 2001, an anti-sheep-mentality movement to differ oneself from those who bark about the tragedy and wave around American flags without really understanding either one.

I know that worse things have happened. I know that more people have died in this country in previous wars, that "we" have killed people in the Middle East in numbers that make 9/11 pale in comparison, that that majority of those killed were innocent civilians slaughtered in the name of answering for the tragedy.

I also know that my generation--and even the one before it--had never seen such devastation on our home soil in its lifetime. We had heard stories and watched movies and read lessons about Pearl Harbor, the closest comparison I can think of, but it was history. Something that had happened before our time. Something we couldn't fully comprehend.

Then, in the middle of a school day, we were given our own piece of history.

I don't care about the numbers thrown at me if I dare to show any sadness over the tragedy. I mean, of course I care, but it doesn't change how I feel about that day. A hydrogen bomb may be bigger than an atomic bomb, but does that make the destruction from an A-bomb any less horrific?

I don't use that day as a reason to blindly follow certain political parties or causes who shook their fists the best or made the most touching speeches. I don't condone the actions supposedly based on this tragedy that led to more mindless deaths. The sadness in my heart isn't because it's fashionable right now. My pride in the heroes of my country and my fellow human beings--not just the firefighters and policemen who did their duty, but the civilians in the stairwells and on Flight 93 who sacrificed to try and save others--didn't come to me after I watched some television special.

I'm proud because they were brave. I'm sad because it's terrible.

To make a long story short: innocent people died for no good damned reason. Thousands died, millions were devastated and terrified, so many families were forever torn into irreparable pieces. I refuse to be made to feel stupid for mourning that loss, for feeling anger toward the terrorists who flew the plane, for feeling sadness for the families forever affected more deeply than I can ever comprehend.

Save your numbers, save your attempts to belittle a horrible event by painting it with political facts and figures, liberal or conservative or whatever, save your apathy--in fact, fuck your apathy. I don't give a damn about politics, I don't give a damn about comparing this event to others that came before or after, I don't give a damn about trends or agendas or anydamnedthing besides human life.

Innocent lives were lost. And they deserve to be remembered. They deserve to be mourned.

Autumn is here.

2011-09-07T13:24:00.001-04:00

Put your head outside, and take a deep, big breath.

Do you smell that?
The leaves are changing.

I know it's been September for less than a week, I know it was suffocatingly hot and humid just three days ago, I know everything is still green....but I can still smell it.

I smell the leaves changing. I smell the new paper--notebooks, textbooks, test books, work books, the new pens and pencils and erasers to go with them. I smell the resolutions that this year will be different, this year will be the one where every test is studied for and every paper is aced. I smell hot spiced apple cider, I smell ripe pumpkins, I smell hay bales and melting caramel. I smell changing leaves.

I smell Fall.

Fall will always be my favorite time of year. Spring is second favorite, the fresh breezes and sunshine after Winter make me feel awakened and alive, makes me want to run through the woods, lie in the grass and stare up at the clouds. Summer bakes and warms me down to my bones and brings out my inner sun-worshipper. Winter is crisp, it's cozy, it invites you to come inside by the fire and cuddle up with your loved ones.

But Fall...Like Spring, Fall is a transitional season, a few short months between one extreme and another. Spring may be waking up, but Fall is coming home. It feels simultaneously eternal and momentary, the blue skies and fluffy clouds going on forever as the leaves change and the air starts feeling crisp and snow-laden. It's not too hot or too cold, but it's better than not-too-anything, it's Just Right, it's perfect.

I drove to 933 today with the windows down, wearing corduroys and a thick, long-sleeved hoodie, and it was perfect.

Fall is relief from the oven that is Summer, the deep, calm breath before the chill of Winter. Fall is hope, it's preparation, it's new chances, it's purposeful transition, it's nostalgia, it's an eternal moment.

It's perfect.

2011-09-06T13:17:00.001-04:00

I love fall.That's all for now.:)

Oh Yeah.

2011-09-02T13:06:00.003-04:00

I forgot the "best" part of yesterday.

So, I was exhausted, right? And all I wanted to do after work was go home, eat dinner, watch Project Runway, and go to sleep.

I got a text from Ryan an hour before I got off saying there was smoke in the kitchen, but he couldn't find the source. Everything was off and cold, there was no heat or fire anywhere, no smoke anywhere else in the house. Just the kitchen.

I got home, saw it for myself, and called Park Jefferson. They said they'd call maintenance and hung up. Then they called back 5 minutes later to say they were sending out the Fire Department.

Some back story: Park Jefferson is famous for the near-monthly visits from the Fire Department. To the point where they always send out a bunch of engines, and when I say where I live, people respond with "Oh, the place with the fires."

It was finally our turn.

They came, sirens blaring. Looked around the apartment, found nothing. Banged on doors. Were about to go into the hallway crawlspace when someone downstairs answered their door: they had fallen asleep with the oven on. I'm still unclear whether we only got the smoke after they woke up and were airing out, or they only woke up when the firemen banged on their doors, but Ryan's going with the story that means we saved lives. Okay.

They aired out the downstairs apartment, our kitchen still smells like burnt toast, we had drive-thru for dinner, and are now in the annals of Park Jefferson's Fire Department History. The End.

This Past Week.

2011-09-02T12:02:00.002-04:00

Saturday, I was supposed to work 12 to 6. I got a call at 8 that morning asking if I could come in at 10 and work until 6:30 for a full eight-hour shift, so someone could go home early. I did.

Sunday, I was supposed to work 12 to 6. I got a call, as I was driving to work, asking if I could come in at 2 instead. "Two until when?" "Close." Someone had called out. I covered.

Monday was a normal eight-hour shift.

Tuesday, BJ, Sam and I left the house at 7 in the morning, picked up our friend Raequan at 7:30, grabbed some breakfast, and headed to Chicago.

Oh my goodness, Chicago.

We went to the Brookfield Zoo first, and were there for four or five hours. We saw almost everything, and I took a million pictures of almost everything. The three best things, that had HUGE impacts on me, were the three things we paid extra for: the dolphin show, petting (de-barbed) stingrays, and the butterfly house. I was exhausted and in pain by the time we left, but I was also excited the entire time, like little-kid excited, it was AWESOME. The dolphin show almost made me cry from pure kid joy, the stingrays were so adorable and wonderful and calming, the butterfly house was a photographic dream, MAN...it was fantastic.

Next was The Chicago Diner, a vegan/vegetarian restaurant recommended to Rae by a co-worker. I want to make this co-worker cookies for suggesting it, because OH. MY. GOD. Some of the best food I have ever had. The milkshake was to die for. The atmosphere was fun and cozy. The waitress was amazing--she helped explain the menu without being pretentious or condescending, answered our questions about the food and Chicago, and even drew us a map of cool places to go within walking distance. The whole experience was...awesome.

Next was Navy Pier, which was basically just shops and restaurants that we enjoyed toodling around in. After that was Mitsuwa Marketplace, a Japanese store BJ and Sam are fond of visiting, and Woodfield Mall.

We didn't get home until past one in the morning, although that was mostly the fault of the GPS on my phone, which is, in a word, moronic. Honestly, the best parts of the trip were outside the car, because being in the car meant following directions from a phone who didn't understand the real world we were currently driving in.

But yeah. That was Tuesday, in Chicago.

Wednesday was Aurelie's birthday. The original plan had been to go to Lake Michigan, chill for most of the day, then go back to Goshen for dinner and drinking. I met up with Aurelie and Allie at Quincy's, gave her her presents, had breakfast, hung out for a bit. She changed her mind about the lake--as was her birthday girl prerogative--and decided on a movie instead.

I was fading quickly at this point, having only gotten about five hours of sleep after 14 hours in Chicago after five hours of sleep, and realized that it was either go to the movies and hang out, or go to dinner and the bar later. I chose the latter, Aurelie said it was fine, and I went home and crashed for a few hours. Sadly, crashing didn't mean sleep so much as not-moving-or-thinking, so it was only half as restful as hoped, but still.

I picked Aurelie up and took her to Buffalo Wild Wings, where a bunch of people came out for her birthday dinner. After that was The Constant Spring, which was full of a different birthday party, all of which were drunk and doing karaoke. Beatles's karaoke. While drunk. I was displeased.

Still, it was good people, good time, Aurelie had a blast. Mission accomplished. :)

Still didn't get a whole lot of sleep that night, either.

Yesterday, Thursday, was an eight-hour pre-closing shift. I started out fairly upbeat and able, went downhill to exhausted and hungry, ate, and became just plain exhausted. I was basically pathetic and whiny from four o'clock on to the end of the night.

Today, I don't go in until 4:30, and I close. I got a text from the Morning Shift asking if I could come in at 2. I might fall have if I didn't have a To Do list that literally can't be done the rest of the weekend.

And then it's four more days of my six-day work week after that. Then three days off. Whee!

There, now we're all caught up. Now if I could just get a couple of hours of time where I'm awake and don't have shit to do so I can call all my parents and not be a terrible daughter...

2011-08-31T10:53:00.001-04:00

Keeping it short and sweet as the ink dries on the birthday card:

[o] Weekend was working longer hours than scheduled
[o] Yesterday was Chicago with Sam, BJ, and Raequan
[o] Today is Aurelie's birthday!
[o] and I'm about to leave to go to Lake Michigan with her and Allie

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This Got Very Long. Consider Yourself Warned.

2011-08-26T23:39:00.004-04:00

This started out as a general What's Going On With Me post, but evolved fairly quickly into What's Going On With My Brain a.k.a. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS.

One of the biggest things going on in our life right now is moving. This is fairly all-encompassing, because it's not just The Move I/we are thinking about, it's everything that we're doing once we get there.

Both Ryan and I are planning on visiting a GP when we get back, and possibly a nutritionist as well. It was originally Ryan's idea, for himself, to get in shape for the wedding and just generally become healthier. As he's talked about it, I've thought about my health more, and how much I need to change. Plus, I'm obviously going to support him in whatever way I can, both in diet and exercise. The details all depend on what the doctor's say, obviously, but we know we need to make a lot of changes. Big changes. Cutting things out of our diet, signing up for classes, getting on the Wii Fit changes. The more we talk about it, the more excited I get.

Something else I'm doing when we move is going back to therapy. I had decided this even before the awful summer I've had, as I still have very specific issues that I'm sick of living with. Then this summer happened, and it became a definite. Most of June and July disappeared into a black hole of depression--and I mean that pretty strongly, thinking back on those months doesn't bring up a lot of specific memories. It's a big, dark, awful blur. August brought a lot of normalcy back, but there have been nights where the emotions want to creep up again. Even when that doesn't happen, I've been thinking about it, and I think I've figured out exactly what's wrong.

...Even before Ryan and I decided to move to Indiana last year, we had talked about going somewhere, mostly because his choice of grad schools for the program he wanted was slim and scattered. I knew I wanted to get out of the area, at least temporarily. Not because I hate the place or the people, but because I felt...stifled. Which is a stupid word if you know my parents, but there it is.

It's hard to grow when you live in a place that has known you as one thing for your entire life.

Everyone, even people who loved and adored and supported me, even the people who were the best for me and helped me grow the little I did, still saw me as the same person I'd been as long as they'd known me. In a situation like that, there are expectations, and actions based on those expectations, both conscious and unconscious. Hell, I had expectations, I have no doubts that I've always been my own worst enemy, and have gotten in my own way more and better than anyone else. Ever.

POINT IS. I was stuck. Then we did the biggest, scariest, and best thing ever, and moved 800 miles to a strange place to live and work with strangers. We gambled everything--our money, our credit, our identities, our relationship, I suppose even our lives--and jumped. And we grew. We grew a lot.

Then, over the second weekend of June, we went back home to visit for four days. We had a great time, we came back, we started up our lives again, and then I fell into a hole and didn't crawl out for almost two months. And even though I'm out of it, I'm still struggling, and I finally know what's wrong.

I'm having an identity crisis.

When we moved out here, I withdrew from my classes at MCC and basically ignored my acceptance to ECSU. I had a lot of interests fighting in my head, to the point of just...seizing up with indecision. I decided that, when we got to Indiana, I would just work. I wouldn't pursue marketing or graphic design or art or editing or anything else, I would just work and see what I would do without any requirements, what would emerge naturally. And it did. And it still feels like I want, with my whole heart and soul, to do and be: mother, wife, artist, writer.

But I'm still struggling with other parts of myself. I'm struggling with parts I didn't know existed, struggling in ways I don't really comprehend. If I think about it too much, I get this disconnected feeling--literally disconnected, as if gravity has cut off and I'm about to float away. I feel like vomiting and screaming and attacking the furniture.

Even if I don't think about it too closely--and trust me, with that reaction, I avoid doing so--I find myself...grasping. I'll think about getting a spontaneous tattoo or piercing, going home and getting very drunk, or even trying a drag of my friend's cigarette--I KNOW. That last one, especially, made me realize that I'm grasping at straws, at others' identities.

One night, talking with Aurelie, I re-mentioned that I loved her new tattoo, and how much I really want to get one, especially before we move back. She said that she'd talked about tattoos with Allie, and they'd agreed that, to them, tattoos aren't about tattoos, they're about feeling so strongly about something that they want it permanently on their body for the rest of their lives. She advised that I should think of it that way, not the way of Tattoos Are Awesome I Want One.

And I started thinking about it, and the more I tried to narrow down that One Thing I felt That Strongly about, the dizzier I got and the more I felt like vomiting and screaming and punching furniture.

POINT IS (again) I have some issues going on, and I need to buckle down and deal with them. Thinking about therapy, I know that I'm going to go in there ready to buckle down, and I know that I'm going to spend a lot of time being asked really hard questions, feeling like I'm going to float away, wanting to scream and run away. It's going be really fucking hard, and it's going to hurt like a motherfucker.

But I have to do it. For my relationship, for my future, for my physical health, for my mental health, for my identity. For my life.

I Can Haz Transfer!

2011-08-23T12:01:00.003-04:00

SO! It's Tuesday. Three days from my last post. I'm getting so bad at this.

The past few days have been mostly good, except when Certain Person is working, of course. They've been good out of work, with True Blood night on Sunday and Design Star last night and hanging out with friends and writing and yay.

Today was looking to be nerve-wracking, and so far, it hasn't. Yesterday, Boss Lady told me that Possible New Boss Man in Storrs wanted to talk to me personally before the transfer actually happened. Apparently they have a problem with people thinking they want to work there, then transferring out, so he wanted to get a better feel for me. I called him this morning, and it went really well. He asked some basic interview questions (worst customer experience and how I fixed it, strengths and weaknesses, etc), he told me a little bit about the store, etc etc. He seemed like a very nice, normal guy, if a bit rambly.

As Ryan put it, though, I tend to do well with rambly people. I wonder why.

Next up I get to call Taco Bell! Last Thursday a charge went through for $11.95 that we didn't actually spend! The bank said to talk to the location, the location said they're not a franchise and it's not possible for them to have done it and the bank or I have to talk to Taco Bell itself. I just know the bank is going to tell me to do it, so that's next on the agenda. Yay.

Hopefully there will still be time for writing before work at 3:30! WHEE!

Whyyyyyy

2011-08-20T13:49:00.002-04:00

Bluh.

My days off were good. Busier than expected, but good.

Today was an early day. I was originally scheduled to close, 4:30 to 10:30, but I saw that a co-worker of mine had a 7-1 shift. He usually has late shifts and would be miserable, and I thought about how cool it'd be to get out so early, so I switched with him.

...WHY?!?!?!

I got maybe an hour of real sleep last night, the rest of the night was tossing and turning and not-recharge-sleeping. Getting up was painful.

Got to work, and it was fine...until it got busy. And then it got busier. And busier.

Then the power went out.

It was only for a few seconds, but it meant that everything shut off and had to restart. And the customers either didn't know or didn't care that we had a delay, what with not being able to expedite or ring up any orders.

Whee!

It was only six hours, and the insanity made it go by quickly, and now I'm out and have the whole rest of the day to write...as long as I can stay awake.

My options now:
[o] take a nap, take a shower, go write
[o] take a shower, go write
[o] take a nap, go write, shower before bed
[o] go write, shower before bed

I usually avoid napping, I always wake up feeling cranky and groggy and just...off. But seeing as I got barely one full hour of sleep last night...I might be able to make an exception.

And my bed looks pretty comfy...

Come On Already!

2011-08-17T11:42:00.003-04:00

Oh hey it's Wednesday I wonder when I last blogged...WHUPS.

It's been a hard three days, but not in the way you'd think.

Sunday and Monday, halfway through my shifts, something would start hurting. On Sunday it was my shoulder--I'd get spasms of pain either in the joint, down my arm, or, once, up my neck. It also just...hurt, like a bad ache, all down that arm and the back of my shoulder. Started when I lifted something with my right hand, but then the ache was just constant and the spasms were random. I ended up using my left arm most of the night, keeping my right one close to my abdomen to try and avoid using it.

Monday, it was my right side again, but this time it started in my neck. I didn't get the stabs of pain, but my neck and shoulder and back just ached really badly and felt stiff. Occasionally it would really hurt, feeling like someone was pressing down on one spot on my neck.

Both mornings I woke feeling fine, so I don't think I slept on anything wrong, and then yesterday it was fine, so...I dunno. But yeah, two very long and exhausting days.

Tuesday, I wasn't scheduled until 3:30. I slept in a little, and headed to my store to write. I arrived around noon, and settled on in at the end of the bar. I was going to relax and get started on Bronte's chapter and really enjoy myself.

Around 12:30, I notice some trouble going on behind the bar. Turns out That One hasn't shown up for his shift, and isn't answering the phone. I get a text from my store manager (who didn't realize I was in the store) asking if I could come on at 1. ...Yeah, I can, but argh. No writing for me.

I go on at 1, a little while after That One calls. Oh, he overslept, so sorry. Can he just switch with me, take 3:30-9:30, and I can finish out his shift? Yeah, no problem! I'll be out at 6, I can head to 933 and write! Woo! ...Except around 3, we get another call from him. Oh, now he's sick and can't make it. I'm staying until 9:30. >.<

Yeah, normal shift for me, but still really annoying. For one thing, That One was the only one actually angry when I called in sick a few weeks ago, and that was two hours ahead (per the rules) instead of 30 minutes. For another, I had breakfast at 11, planned on eating before 3:30, but because of him didn't get my meal until 5. HUNGRY.

Right. Anyway. Work at one. Time for breakfast.

Can Taste Buds Dream?

2011-08-13T23:41:00.003-04:00

I texted Ryan on my break, ~~whining~~ talking about my vaguely crappy shift. He texted back with "I'll fix it."

[o] Came to visit me at work
[o] Got me a sourdough roll from Panera (I tried to get one on my break since I was hungry, but couldn't due to lack of cashier) AND a chocolate chip cookie for after dinner...
[o] ...which was...unbelievable. The order was: bottom bun, secret sauce (mayo, ketchup, garlic), hamburger patty (seasoned with Montreal steak seasoning and kosher salt), sauteed red peppers, garlic and jalapeno, Jarlsberg Swiss cheese, barbecue sauce, top bun. Also on the plate: steak fries and steamed corn on the cob.

I usually don't like Swiss, ever, and the barbecue sauce we have is usually a little too sweet for me, and I've never been a fan of the steak seasoning we have, and and and, blah blah blah...

IT WAS FREAKING AMAZING.

I will always stand by Ryan's cooking, he's seriously good, and he's made some of my favorite meals ever...and this may have been his best. It still vies with the chicken-pepper-white-wine-linguine dish, but c'mon, I'm a die hard pasta lover.

Oh man. I will have dreams about this meal. Nom. Nom nom. MAN.

Plans Are Made For Changing.

2011-08-13T11:56:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was supposed to go thusly:

[o] Get up "early" and get groceries with Ryan
[o] Settle somewhere and write until 6 or 6:30
[o] Meet up with Aurelie for dinner at Taste of Asia
[o] Go see Crazy, Stupid Love
[o] Go home, eat some ramen, and relax

What happened yesterday:
[o] Got up "early" but Ryan was tired, and Aurelie sent a text saying her plans before our plans got canceled, so could we do an earlier showing after she got off work at 4?
[o] Slept another hour
[o] Get up, called insurance to ensure (hur hur) that the new coverage year for lenses had ticked over. It had indeed, so we decided to hit up Eye Site before groceries and order him some lenses with transition goodness
[o] On the way, get more texts from Aurelie: she's actually going with her roommate (Allie) to get a tattoo, original timeline is back on.
[o] Long story short, Eye Site took quite a long time. But for good reason.
[o] So long that we scrapped grocery shopping and just grabbed lunch and went home.
[o] Met with Aurelie and Allie for Taste of Asia and Starbucks, time to leave for movie came and went.
[o] Hung out at Starbucks for a couple of hours, just shootin' the shit and talkin' nerd, before heading over to a place called Madison's Oyster Bar around 9:30.
[o] After Aurelie helped me park my car (and by help me I mean she parallel parked it for me :D), met Allie inside where she was already sitting with her friend Sarah.
[o] Were soon joined by LeAnna (it was her birfday!) and her boyfriend Brandon, then Sarah's friends Steve and Liza. Drinking and laughter and some fry-eating ensued for the next, oh, four hours.

Long story short, what was supposed to be a short day of errands, writing, and a movie turned into a long day and night ending in awesomefuntimes with people I don't see often enough.

:D

Today is laundry (with shower and photoediting during the wait), then a teensy bit of writing before work at 4:30. It's my Monday. Woo.

Saving Lives And Taking Names.

2011-08-11T18:03:00.004-04:00

*does a little dance*

*falls over*

I've had a fear of needles ever since my first senior year of high school, when I got dizzy spells no one could explain despite a zillion blood tests. I've also wanted a tattoo for a very long time, and for a while I thought that getting one would be an awesome way to conquer my fear of needles.

Today certainly helped me get past that fear a bit, but I didn't get a tattoo. (Mom, Dad, you can breathe now). Instead, Ryan and I went down to the South Bend Medical Foundation and donated blood.

I. Donated. Blood.

I never thought I'd say that.

Ryan took a little while to get all set up, since his finger stick refused to go in the vial and his vein didn't want to give it up, but eventually they got him going and he filled his bag in, oh, 4 minutes. Up and moving around and everything.

Me...yeah. My finger stick was fine, I got set up just fine, my blood was cooperating...then the nurse asked me how I was doing, apparently because my lips were losing a little color. I was a little dizzy and weak, so I told her, and the next thing I knew they were telling me to take deep breaths and tilting my seat back and putting wet clothes on my wrists and neck and forehead. Aheh.

That helped a lot, and my blood finished up just fine. I was feeling better, so they had me get up and stand next to the seat. That was fine...until it wasn't, and I lay back down and they elevated my feet again and gave me some juice. Then I felt better again, and Ryan made me drink some more juice and eat some snacks before he finally let me leave.

Honestly, all told, it was a great experience. The worst part of it was feeling shitty, and that was my own damn fault for donating without a REAL meal beforehand. Second worst was the embarrassment, which was unnecessary since the nurses were really nice, and told me that it wasn't uncommon. Third worst was the anticipation, because, c'mon, who's better at psyching me out than me? And hell, FOURTH worst was the finger stick they did to make sure I wasn't, I dunno, diseased or something, and I HATE finger sticks.

The needle part? Barely made the top 5 worst things about the experience, and is totally ruled out by knowing that I helped. I kept telling myself that as I was waiting to donate--"You're scared of a needle? People are dying. GET OVER IT."

Everything else on the list can be easily avoided next time by simply getting a good meal beforehand. And trust me, I will. Steak dinner. Gallon of orange juice. Bucket of chicken. TONS OF CALORIES AND LIQUIDS, DUDE.

Well, I won't be able to avoid the finger stick. But that's okay.

SO, the rest of the day is going to be spent on the couch, drinking lots and eating some and generally resting up. Tomorrow looks to be strenuous...writing at Starbucks and a dollar movie. I don't know how I'll manage.

OH. Best moment of the day. As I was sitting with my juice, chatting with the nurse and waiting to not be light-headed:

Me: (To Ryan) You could carry me out to the car.
Ryan: I'm not supposed to be do any strenuous activity.
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT.
Nurse: OH! She got you good, man. You walked right into that one.
Ryan: I'm leaving you here.

:D

Work Work Work.

2011-08-10T11:57:00.002-04:00

Monday was pretty decent, I got out of work at 6:30 and spent the evening at 933, writin' away.

Yesterday, Tuesday, Ryan and I spent the time before I went in to work cleaning up the apartment. Then work was pretty good, I got out early and spent the evening reading and hangin' around.

Today I work with my four favorite people, and it's my Friday! Woo!

Off I go to dress and prepare!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S FOOD!

2011-08-07T22:40:00.002-04:00

I MADE DINNER.

I flattened the chicken and cut up the chicken and seasoned the chicken and cooked the chicken AND IT'S STILL CHICKEN. And it was delicious. :D

Ryan taught and supervised and now I can make one his favorite creations, cajun terikyaki chicken, usually served mixed up in a bowl with rice and green beans. We're out of green beans, but we ALWAYS have rice (starch fanatic :D), and it soaks up the spices and soy sauce and YUM.

Ryan is currently waiting for the peanut butter & butter mixture to cool so he can finish up these delicious-looking cookies. We(Ry & Sam & I)'re also waiting for BJ to get home from work so we can watch True Blood.

Hee. :)

Um. Yeah. Work is stupid, but I don't wanna talk about it. I've been thinking about picking cross-stitching back up, or maybe even hitting up Hobby Lobby and try to make a necklace or something. Ryan thinks I'm just frustrated since my photography and writing productivity are a little stunted lately due to work and depression and stuff. We'll see.

....That's all for now! :D

This Is Why I Shouldn't Make Promises.

2011-08-05T11:37:00.002-04:00

Still alive!

Wednesday was a long day at work with good people that was nonetheless exhausting.

Thursday was my day off!...but it took several hours (and four loads of laundry, one load of dishes, and a trip to the bank) before I finally got out of the house and to 933 to write, and as usual it took forever to finally get myself into a good writing flow. Then I had to go home to comfort and feed Ryan, who was tired and stressed and hungry and headachey. Getting dinner took way longer than it should have, and by the time that was all settled it was midnight. BUH.

Today is also my day off, and soon I leave for Goshen, to study/write with Aurelie. There may be hanging out with her friends and roommate as well, but we'll see how the day goes.

Sleep still sucks, mood is still working it's way up fairly well, still have lots of moving details wrestling in my head, still wishing I had a way of fitting extra hours in the day so I could call people before Late O'Clock. I know they/you are all late owls, for the most part, but still.

Off I go!

Must Turn Positive, Must Turn Positive...

2011-08-02T15:10:00.002-04:00

Sooo I just called out of work. I've slept pretty shittily the past few days, and today it finally caught up. Despite it being a six-hour closing shift, the idea of keeping up with all the prep and dealing with the urns and rushing around...doing all that with mild nausea, dizziness, and feeling generally unsteady scares me just a bit. I'm glad it was Awesome Shift tonight...he'll pull it together, and he didn't give me any guilt for it. I shall bake him cookies.

Otherwise, I'm pretty okay. I guess. At the moment I'm focused on being comfortable and not moving a whole lot, which will soon lead to me settling back into bed with a book, so trying to find an emotional barometer reading...not so much.

But yeah. That's me today: forced rest so I can work my eight hour shift tomorrow, with some relaxing thrown in for good measure. I think it may be good for me on a few different levels. Let's hope, anyway.

Moar Sleep Nao?

2011-07-31T11:30:00.003-04:00

Blargh. Exhausted. I need a day where I wake up naturally, no alarm clock, and maybe then I'll actually wake up feeling like I could take on the world, and not just want to crawl back under the covers. There's a NEW pattern going on, where I wake up after one cycle, almost exactly four hours after I fall asleep. Every night. BAH.

...Not much else to say right now. I'm tired. I haven't had the time to take pictures, so I haven't really had anything to edit or upload, which makes me unhappy. Still having a hard time with life in general, but I seem to be slowly heading uphill instead of down. Just keep swimmin'...

Deeeeenial.

2011-07-28T13:34:00.002-04:00

I might have posted yesterday (Wednesday), but the day was sleeping in, getting breakfast, annoying eight hour shift, and awesome going-away-party thing for a shift from 933. I got to go drink with my old boss, my roommates, and three former co-workers. Who all have hilariously filthy minds and are huge nerds. WIN.

...although it did make me realize a bit what I'll be leaving behind when we move at the end of September. And it made me sad. I haven't really thought about it much...well, I've thought about the moving back, but more the logistics and money and less the people who aren't moving to Connecticut (i.e. everyone except Ryan and I). And I'll probably continue to not think about it, just more purposeful this time, since...yeah. Sad. :(

ANYWAY, it's my day off and I think it's time to wake the bear and get some good and get the day rollin'. Whee!

My Shingle Is Gathering Cobwebs...

2011-07-26T13:28:00.003-04:00

I've slowed down on my photography lately, and I hate it. I got myself all excited in the first half of the year after I figured out that I wanted to be Artist and Homemaker, and I took the first steps to make that into an eventual reality. I opened a store! I put my work out there! Progress! Exciting!

...then no one bought anything.

I know that I can't expect to take off like a rocket, and just instantly start making enough to quit my day job and do what I love instead. But it still knocked me down a couple of pegs. I let myself dream too much, as I tend to do, and when it didn't come true immediately I panicked. I started thinking that if I took a million pictures, of the things that got the most responses on Facebook and Tumblr (aka pretty pretty flowers), maybe the exposure and attention would happen, and sales would follow. I even submitted my photoblog to a couple of directories and collections on Tumblr, hoping for a little bit of exposure that way.

But neither worked. I didn't get more attention, I didn't get "showcased"...if anything, response has dropped off. And I let it get to me, I let myself translate it into I'm Not Good Enough and I Should Keep Doing Flowers Eventually It HAS To Work! I've gotten ultra-critical (and I'm already my own worst critic) and afraid to try new or weird subjects.

You know what?

Fuck. That.

The 30 Day Photography Challenge has helped a bit (even when I'm behind a few days, like now), and I've been forcing myself to move from "That might be a cool picture" to "I'm going to try and capture that even though I'm in public and will get strange looks :D!" What with being a gentle weirdo and my recent penchant for dressing like a little kid, I think I can embrace the Eccentric Artist persona and be okay with the odd looks. It means I'm Doing It Right...right? ;)

I'm Currently Fan-Freaking-Tastic, Considering It's Nighttime...

2011-07-25T01:31:00.003-04:00

Still here, although not all there.

I mentioned recently that I've been depressed; that timeline started around the middle of June. I've felt a bit better the past two weeks, which was either ironic or fitting since it directly coincided with the time of the month I'm usually much crabbier and harder to deal with, first with PMS and then with During-MS.

Then the past week, I've been bouncing--hard--between a bitch, a mope, or a complete spaz. Ryan's despaired of taking me shopping anywhere, even for groceries, and if I'm not working on something (be it barring, writing/planning, or photoediting), my mind is all over the place. Unless, of course, I'm snapping at someone or whimpering in a corner.

I'd really like to know where the hell I went. This isn't me. I have mood swings just as bad as the next girl, I have an entire steam trunk of issues, and I'm always a bit of a spazzy little weirdo, but this is whole other animal. It feels like back in June, someone opened up my skull, stuck in a wooden spoon, and had a fine time mixing it all up.

Something isn't right. And I fucking hate it.

Anyway, that's why I've been really horrible with everything...it's even reached blog posts and photo posts now. I hate making excuses, and I promise I'm not instead spending all my spare time being a sad sack, it's mostly just a lack of physical and mental energy, a hole in my memory, and an inability to keep my thoughts in a straight line.

Love you all. I'll be back eventually. All of me. I promise.

I'd Wish For Rain, But It's Come And Gone And Didn't Do Squat.

2011-07-22T01:50:00.004-04:00

Really? I haven't updated since Tuesday? Sheesh. I blame the heat. It's melted my damn brain.

It is SO. FUCKING. HOT. Yes, I dropped the f-bomb, it is just that hot.

Weather.com warned us of a heat index between 110-115. My car read 105 when we first turned it on. We chatted briefly with the Post Woman on our way out, and she said the thermometers inside the postal trucks were reading 130.

Our apartment is pretty awful at night. During the day, not so bad as long as we leave the shades closed. At night, everyone gets home and turns on their computers and uses their ovens (well, maybe not), and we have apartments below us and behind us. Despite a few fans and adjusting of the AC, it's still 80 in here at it's best.

I used to love summer...but that was before it tried to kill me.

Razz'm Frazz'm.

2011-07-17T22:08:00.006-04:00

Ugh. Today was about people being obnoxious.

We have a new Via out this week that we are supposed to sell as much as possible. I'm covering drive-thru while someone's on break. They order iced coffees with caramel, and the new via is Iced Caramel Via--seems like an easy sell, right?

Me: Hi there! Have you heard about our new promotion we have right now? *sell sell sell* AND today is the last day that we're giving away a free tall beverage if you buy a package, so your son's tall apple juice could be free!
Customer: Make one of my grande drinks free and it's a deal.
Me: ...Unnnfortunately, I'm not allowed to do that.
Customer's Wife: Wait, would this help you out, like, do you need to sell a certain amount?
Me: Yeah, actually, we're hoping to sell five more by the end of the night. *hopeful!*
Customer's Wife: Hmm...could we trade this for it? *holds up OPENED box of regular (not iced) Caramel Via*
Me: ...I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Customer's Wife: Okay. Never mind then.

ARGH. I'm sorry the FREE DRINK we're offering isn't good enough for you, and I'm sorry I'm not allowed to take an OPENED PACKAGE OF A DIFFERENT PRODUCT in exchange for something I just told you we have to SELL.

I'd say I want to know who ever told these people that they were better than anyone else...but oh wait. It's Starbucks. We probably did.

Also I had the giant metal ice scoop fall from the top of the ice machine onto my thumb. OW.

If you'll excuse me, it's time for dinner and True Blood and Torchwood...

Whee? I Guess?

2011-07-16T23:33:00.002-04:00

Today I did laundry, baked cookies, worked an incredibly slow six hour shift, then went out and drank a bit with some co-workers to see off Zach (That Shift). It was more or less a good day...

...although what does it say that I enjoyed being told my cookies were great more than I did the socializing?

It's not that it was bad...just not what I was expecting, mostly because not everyone showed and it didn't last long and yeah. Probably mostly because I was tired.

Speaking of which, off to bed for me.

PS - Thank you again to those sending me love and support. You guys are all so awesome and wonderful....thank you <3

Raw Ruth of Now.

2011-07-15T00:57:00.004-04:00

Okay, you know what? It's time for the truth.

I haven't just been cranky. I mean, yes, I've been cranky, but that's not all. I've been depressed. Really depressed. Maddeningly depressed. It's like some evil hand reached into my head, cranked every negative dial it could find up WAY past 11, gassed the whole place with a dark blue funk cloud, put me on a hair trigger, and then left little remote control negativity bombs set to go off whenever I have a moment of idle thought.

I've been snapping at co-workers. I've been listless and beyond anti-social, the idea of doing simple chores feels immensely taxing and complicated. I've been crying...a lot. I can't honestly call them crying jags because they don't happen at random times all the time, but when they do happen it's out of my control. Phone calls have been just about out of the question, which I really hate...I promised myself after Connecticut that I WOULD be better and more regular with communication, with all my parents, and I WANT to be...but the energy just isn't there. I might hate that more than anything else.

Is life stressful right now? Yes. YEAH. Has been for a while, basically since we arrived here. This is not because of that stress. This is not because I'm miserable in Indiana and wish we were back in Connecticut. This is not because we're broke. This is not because I hate my job. None of these things is true (well...we ain't rich, but my point stands).

I'm honestly not sure why I'm suddenly overwhelmed by everything, why I feel so...miserable. I also don't really know how to make it stop. Ryan has been indispensable, and I'm trying to focus on happy things and doing what makes me feel better--reading, photography, etc. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't.

The reason I started this blog and moved from LiveJournal almost two years ago was so I could talk about my emotions honestly. I've never actually done that to the extent I had originally hoped...well, here it is.

I don't want worried calls or texts or e-mails--hell, I don't want worry, although I know from experience that's impossible. I won't lie and say I'm okay, because obviously that ain't the case, but I'm not about to hurt myself or crawl into a bottle of Kahlua or check myself into a hospital because I can't deal with anything anymore. I am dealing as best I can, and I know I will get through this, one way or another.

This depression has lasted almost a month. If September comes and I'm still this level of miserable, or worse, I will be visiting a doctor to get some kind of medication. It's not a good time to start seeing a therapist here in Indiana, but I do have one lined up in Connecticut. While I really do not want to go back on medication, the idea of feeling this way while moving back to Connecticut, settling back into the basement, starting at a new store, all without therapy...it's not a pleasant thought. As I said, though, I am dealing as best I can, and I have support.

I don't want anyone losing sleep if I don't update or call back or respond. I don't want anyone worrying about my health or my safety. But I don't want even worse ideas forming because I don't update or call back or respond, and I don't want anyone to think I'm not thinking or remembering them.

I just want to be honest.

Partayyyy?

2011-07-14T23:40:00.002-04:00

Last night (that is, Wednesday night) was Emily's birthday thang. Started off in a pub near Notre Dame called O'Rourke's, then moved to Mitch's, the same place the Ben & Ruth Birthday Drinking Spree ended up back in May. I'll admit to enjoying a couple of drinks (including a caramel macchiato martini, how could I not?), but I spent most of the evening dishing with people way drunker than me, and watching a drunken birthday girl try to dance. It was a lot of fun!

Today...not so much. I mentioned in my last entry that I've been feeling cranky lately? Today was a bad day for it...and I'm not sure if it's weird or fitting that today was actually a pretty good day. I was up pretty late, but slept in and got plenty of lovely sleep. I tried my hand at baking snickerdoodles and am very proud of the results. I had some study time at Quincy's with Aurelie where we were actually productive, including re-outlining the first chapter to Found in a way that I feel really good about.

Of course, my mind guilted me for sleeping in so late (noon!), the snickerdoodles were for a house-warming party that I ended up feeling too crappy to go to, and I got incredibly mired in brainmuck trying to work on the second chapter. Hmph.

The day ended with a new episode of Futurama and ice cream, though, and I'm still very happy with my snickerdoodles, so...yay.

Ssssstuff?

2011-07-12T22:23:00.002-04:00

I have been cranky and feeling mildly crappy for about two weeks now and I DON'T LIKE IT.

And when I say cranky, I mean CRANKY. The little things that might barely blip on the Annoyance Radar have me ready to rip someone's head off...and I've come really close to it on several occasions, when normally I just clam up and seethe in silence.

I've always tended toward a very short frustration fuse, but lately it's been almost nonexistent. I can go from fine to FUCKOFF in no time flat, and I hate it. I've always hated it, and I hate it even more now...which is funny, because do I hate the fact that it's shorter, or is my hating it caused by it being shorter? Whee!

And I'm exhausted and creaky, but what else is new.

I got tomorrow off, so I can go to Emily's birthday dinner. Thursday may be a surprise party for another friend, Saturday is Other Shift's last night before transferring and may end with a few of us going out to say goodbye.

Tomorrow's plan: writing/stuff in the morning and early afternoon, evening spent with Ryan, night spent with friends. Thursday is more Ryan time, probably errands and such. Friday I don't work until 4:30, so more Ryan time or possibly Aurelie time since she's back from her trip.

Next week's schedule is almost all closing, which is confusing since I almost always pre-close. Oh, except for Sunday, when I'm schedule as a mid...okay! o.O

Ummm what else what else...OH! I got up early with one mission today: Get to book store and buy new A Dance With Dragons, the new book in A Song Of Ice And Fire. :D I usually don't like hard covers, but there's no way I'd be able to wait the year or however long before it hit paperback. Plus it's pretty, has lovely maps on the inside of the covers, and I had a gift card from my birthday still, soooo....mine :D

Of course, I still have half of A Feast With Crows to finish first, but that's okay. I'll get through it fast enough.

And on that note...

Zzz?

2011-07-10T21:56:00.002-04:00

I am so tired.

So. So. Tired.

Dinner is warming in the oven, then the household gathers for tonight's True Blood. Then I sleep for a million years.

Or until 9:30 AM so I can get to work by 11.

Amusing: My schedule for this past week originally had me at 32 hours. What with switching and subbing and staying for other people, I ended up at 38. Six of those were holiday pay. Ka-ching.

Now for the eating and the watching and the sleeping...oh the sleeping...

Woe Is Me, Day Off Decisions!

2011-07-08T13:49:00.002-04:00

Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I spent most of the day driving Aurelie to Chicago to drop her off at the airport, got only a little lost (which is good for me!), and then drove home. That was my day.

This morning I was rudely awakened at 7 in the morning by a phone call from my store asking if I could come in for a few hours to cover someone. It was only until 12:30, so I figured what the hell. All I've done since getting home is get out of my work pants, and I'm still undecided as to what to do next.

I could...
[o] brave the mildly miserable heat and run around town taking pictures (meh, the sun is giving off not only heat but harsh light which is hard to edit for)
[o] go to a coffee shop and bang at writing things
[[o]] 933?
[[o]] Ireland?
[[o]] Quincy's?
[o] stay home and bang at things or bang at pictures or other computer stuff
[o] go someplace or stay home and read (less likely since I still have to make this book last four more days)
[o] stay home and bake
[o] wander around Barnes & Noble with what's left of my birthday gift card

Going out will almost definitely include erranding (gas, trip to bank, trip to P.O.), but beyond that I'm at a loss of where to go and what to do. Le sigh.

Plus It's Gorgeous Out. As A Topper.

2011-07-06T17:39:00.003-04:00

[o] Slept in
[o] (but not too late!)
[o] Breakfast at 933, got to visit with people & get shoe advice from Aurelie
[o] Shoe shopping: success! Tried on a couple of pairs, ended up buying the exact same pair as Aurelie, which have lasted her over two years at Starbucks. Comfy, black, not ugly, slip-on, skid resistant.
[o] Pants shopping: lucky! Walked into JCPenny's, spy a pair of cargo khakis on a rack. They look too short...hold them up...perfect. Length. They're on sale! What size are they...MINE? Try on: PERFECTION. Got the exact pants I wanted, normally selling for over $40, for TEN BUCKS.
[o] Purse shopping: Got talked out of a new bag by Ryan and his awesome spatial knowledge. Being talked out of buying a thing I have an addiction to may not sound good, but it was helpful in a bunch of ways: no money spent, logic wielded in a way my brain can agree to, don't feel like maybe a different purse would work. Also helped me decide to use my damned lunchbox already, which will lead to healthier lunches at work!
[o] Grocery shopping: Got plenty of yum things and healthy things and things for tonight's dinner.
[o] Ice cream on the way home!
[o] Breakfast for dinner later on!
[o] Movie night with Ryan while fixing the damned comforter and duvet cover so it'll stop driving me crazy!
[o] GOOD DAMNED DAY! :D

Coulda Been Worse!

2011-07-05T23:09:00.002-04:00

Today felt long. I got up at 10 and had an eight hour shift and it wasn't very busy and I was tiiirrreeedaaa.

But there were three of us closing and I have three days off in a row starting off with a day with Ryan going out shopping to get me new shoes and pants and sheeit. :D

Then a day of driving Aurelie to the airport in Chicago :D

Then a day of running around being a photo nerd and baking and catching up on stuff :D

For now: soup and getting the hell out of my work clothes.

...Really?!

2011-07-04T22:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Independence Day! I celebrated by working. :D

Actually, my "celebration" was to be several cookies brought into work, a combination of chocolate and butterscotch chip, and M&M. I made a triple batch of cookie dough last night (the other third to be used for Rolo cookies for Ryan)...and it all went to hell. Every batch I tried melted into puddles that made me thankful I bought a baking sheet with a lip.

I thought: maybe the dough got too warm in the little kitchen with the oven going and the dishwasher going and I've been working at it forever, I'll pop it in the fridge overnight and get up early to bake them. Do so, go to bed, get up early, let it sit out for a while, first batch: MELT. >.< Google google google...this can happen with too little flour or too much sugar.

FUNNY STORY.

Ryan and BJ were hanging around the living room as I was putting the dough together, and BJ came in to get something from the fridge as I was counting in quarter cups of sugar. Chat chat chat, shovel shovel shovel, chat chat chat, shovel shovel....how many was that? ...CRAP.

Anyway, it took another too many batches, but I finally mixed in enough flour so the cookies actually fucking formed. Out of a triple batch of dough, I got...14 cookies.

>.<

Fortunately, they were good ones, with chocolate chips and M&Ms, and 14 was enough for me to eat a test one, share three each to my three awesome co-workers and myself, and save the last one for the co-worker who promised to visit and drop off some tiramisu.

Also during this morning's cookie adventure, I did four loads of laundry and a load of dishes, and somehow managed a hot shower despite being the last of four people to take a shower within a two hour span.

This is how I ended my day: I came home, took off my left shoe, attempted to take off my right shoe, and had to yank before it came off...and left a wad of insole stuck to my sock. Took out both insoles and found identical holes/major wearing patterns in both under my heels and big toes. Incidentally, my right heel has been hurting quite a bit lately. :D

It should be noted that these shoes have lasted me just over a year of intense use, and this is the first and only time I've had issues. New Balance is The Shit.

OH, then I went to change out of my work pants and tore a hole in the crotch. Not on a seam. Not fixable. Not possible to hide or ignore. It's my last pair of work pants (beside dress pants which I'll have to wear tomorrow and kinda hate). In the space of 15 minutes, I racked up almost $200 worth of work stuff I have to buy veryvery soon.

BEST DAY EVER.

Nature ALWAYS Wins.

2011-07-02T22:48:00.000-04:00

Today started out pretty meh, but work made up for it in spades. Tomorrow looks to be a good day, Monday looks to be ker-awesome, Tuesday will most likely be normal, then I have three days off in a row...:D

I made cookies last night. First batch burned (but Ryan still loves them), second batch was just right, and the third batch had butterscotch chips mixed in, and they are redonkulous. Umnumnum.

It was extremely hot and humid all day, then rained a bit in the evening. Around 9 the sky turned this creepy yellow-green, but that cleared up, and it hasn't rained again yet despite the heavy, foreboding clouds all over the place.

I drove home watching the fireworks in some parts of the sky, and lightning in other parts. Nature wins, of course.

Off to soup and time with the man. Tomorrow is an earlier day, so bed before midnight...hopefully.

The Blogger Hath Returned!

2011-06-30T11:27:00.005-04:00

I'm back! And alive. And less weird. Well....no, scratch that last part.

I'm currently in my home store (933 will ALWAYS BE MY HOME STORE), just settling in for a few hours of heavy duty thinking. I have a lot of it to do: stories, marketing, moving, wedding, LIFE. I'm armed with a notebook, a journal, the laptop, my printed copy of Found, and a tumbler filled with a Grande Vanilla Chai Half The Chai No Water No Foam Scoop of Protein.

I WORK AT STARBUCKS.

(No, really, the scoop of protein makes it creamy and a little eggnog-tasting-ish. It's delicous.)

Plus two of my faaaaaavorite people are working, so yay for that :D

Work is the same, except for when it's not. We have three new people--not one, not two, but THREE--and they're all reading or training or barring or ringing at different times, sometimes all at the same time on the same day. Oh, and there's two new shifts going through their training, and one not-as-new-but-still-new-ish shift being trained on closing instead of opening...and yesterday had ALL OF THEM DOING IT AT ONCE. Six people training in different things at more or less the same time...oy.

There's not a whole lot else going on...most of the excitement in my life is centered around either other people, with life throwing them opportunities and challenges, or A Song of Ice and Fire, which has swallowed me whole and will get stuck in my head for hours just as well as any song.

Now, off to the LISTS and STUFF, but I'll leave you with some scribblings I just found in my notebook, something that will make a certain parent pretty happy...

If I

Maybe if I broke the inky silence
with a dull light
of humanity
night wouldn't feel so closed

Maybe if I lived
instead of existing
plodding through
someone would hear the footsteps

Maybe i I prayed
in the moment
and not years later
I would see through the distance

Maybe if I loved
that spark of humanity
with a little more of myself,
not yours,
it would light

Maybe
if I stopped
it would finally happen

Prayer Stones

Burning embers
embedded in the ceiling
pressed by my hand
scarring my faith into my fingers

so every meal
every ritual
every turn
bears your weight

embossed in my palm
your proof, your belonging
your words in my tongue

collecting together
like marbles,
leaves,
raindrops,
burning stones
embedded in the ceiling

800 Miles

The tunnel of nighttime
carved out by my headlights
stretches for miles
hours
days

you are farther away
than 800 miles

you are a heartbreak away
a broken promise away
a drastic decision

I carry the weight
of that distance
slumping my shoulders

every step
is one million too short

every day
is not enough
closer

I wish you were closer

the tunnel
of my headlights
the days ahead to you
just stretches on
and on
and on

Not A Good Time For Blogging...

2011-06-26T01:01:00.002-04:00

...it's not that I'm having a hard time right now. It's just that my head is all over the place, and most of the places aren't great for blog material. I'm not depressed or anxious or anything that needs worrying about, I'm just...weird.

But I'm alive. So. You know. That's good.

I'll return sometime soon. Promise.

Things Are Looking Up!...Mostly!

2011-06-23T10:08:00.003-04:00

My apologies for lack of updates. This week has just been workworkwork, hustling to get through to my days off...which start TODAY! Ahhhh blisssss...

...of course, this day off started with waking up at 7, when Ryan did, and not being able to get back asleep for almost an hour. After a short night of really crappy sleep. Fortunately I managed to get a good snooze from 8 to 9:30, and now I'm up!

I'm loading up my thumb drive with some pictures, and heading out to FedEx to get a big ol' print done for my friends Rachel and Alex. They got married the weekend before the Connecticut trip, and our present to them is poster of one of my prints (this one, to be exact), which they picked out. :D Have to get it to them today before they pack up and move on Saturday! Shortly before the wedding, Alex got a really good job, and they've spent the past three weeks preparing to move from his parent's house to their own place in Michigan. I'm so excited for them!!

The rest of the day depends on how much energy I have after visiting to drop it off and say goodbye. As I said, crap sleep, up early, blah blah blah.

I've been mildly slacking on some aspects of what I lovingly refer to as the Ruthenium Empire. I'll admit that this slacking is due to a few personal failings; namely, that I'm exhausted, that I've been in a PMS-induced Crank Mood for the past three days, and that I'm getting all self-pitying over the lack of response. I'm trying to figure out how to get more interest going...I started the 30 Day Challenge, and I got a surprisingly fast and thorough response when I put it to a vote over what to do with the gap in posts...but I'm still having a hard time keeping up with it. I've thought about starting a blog that's solely writing about my photography--talking about where I went, the conditions, learning experiences, etc--but I'm not sure I'd get an audience. I suppose I could attempt it on a mini scale on Twitter, but I'm not sure that's the right platform for it.

In short, I'm lost, I'm wallowing in a bit of self-pity, and I'm not in the best mindset. And I'm probably over-thinking all of it.

I just have so many dreams...;)

Anyway, off I go to print and visit and whee!

Thank You.

2011-06-19T22:19:00.003-04:00

I want to use today's post to say thank you.

Thank you to my dad, who put up with crappy roads, rude customers, bad tippers, dark rainy nights, and obnoxious co-workers delivering pizza for many years to make a home for us; sometimes he would take me along, and I'd sit in the warm car, reading while he was fetching or delivering pizzas, listening to music and talking. He showed me hard work, sacrificing for your family, making the best of a bad situation, and pride in your job, no matter how shitty.

My dad would pick me up after school and take me to nature paths, and almost never let me sit in the car and read like I wanted. At the very least, he'd require me to walk down to the stream or up to the top and find a rock there to read on, and more often than not I ended up liking it (although try getting me to admit it!). He showed me the quiet and noise and peace and beauty of nature, that it was worth getting out of the damned car, no matter how comfy.

Neither last nor least, my dad tried to show me photography. He showed me the camera, and tried to tell and show me how it worked. This was in the muddle of my teenage years (no, that's not a typo), and I couldn't even be gracious about it. I didn't pretend to like it, and when he finally asked me if I cared, I told him honestly: no. I remember that day, that moment, and I've felt guilty ever since. I don't know if I've ever apologized for it, but I'll do it now, on the internet, and I'll say it again when next we meet: Dad, I'm sorry I hurt you and that I was such a fucking teenager about it.

Because even without the training you tried to give me, I have fallen in love with photography, to the point where it's What I Want To Do. I fought it for so long, out of stubbornness and a stupid pride, the kind that children have just so their parents can't be right. Well, I'm saying it now, on the internet, and I'll say it again in person when next we meet: you were right, Dad. You were always right, and I will always credit you for this passion of mine.

Thank you to my stepfather, David, who came into my life and became a part of it when he didn't have to. You taught me how to ride a bike (twice, I think), you helped me with my schoolwork, made sure I did my chores and helped with the prep for the parties.

And what parties! Scavenger hunts across the whole backyard, riddles and mysteries, cavemen and kings and snooty French waiters, wizards and gorillas and clowns and traps and towers. My friends still talk about those parties; a few still have the styrofoam weapons you fashioned for them. You never let me just sit and let the party be made up and done for me, and you never let the party be a boring one. You taught me about doing your fair share, and about having fun.

Thank you for trying to teach me about cooking, then and now. I've never been as resistant to it as I was to photography, but I've never had an easy time making it stick, either. Still, the times I've spent in a kitchen with you, talking about life, about the science of what we were cooking, about everything, are counted among my best memories.

Thank you, to my father and my stepfather, to all my parents, for making me who I am, for all the lessons you taught me, whether I learned them willingly or not. Thank you for your efforts, for your support, for your love, all of it unconditional. I love you all so very, very much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Check Your Apron!

2011-06-17T22:49:00.003-04:00

Interesting tidbit of the day: A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter from our insurance. I had NOT A BILL all over it, but also told me that I owed Memorial Medical Center $xx.xx for my clinic visit back in January. The clinic visit I already paid for...in March. The amount on the statement didn't even match the amount I had owed and paid.

I went over to my banking website, took screenshots of the deposited check I sent to Memorial, and sat back to wait for the actual bill to come in.

Today I got mail from Memorial.

It was a check. For $13.44. The exact difference between the March check and June statement.

.....hooookay. I'll be giving them a call come Monday!

Today at work wasn't too bad (That One didn't work). The biggest problems were the boredom at the end of my shift, and the new person. The new person is fine, she's learning at a good rate and can already help out on cold bar. Really, the only issues are (a) I'm a bad teacher and not very helpful for new people, and (b) she keeps calling frappucinnos frappes.

In case I haven't mentioned before in this blog, WE HATE THAT. McDonald's has frappes, we have frappucinnos. Bad enough that customers get them mixed up, if a partner starts mixing up the terms, it's going to confuse the customers and have the rest of us writhing on the floor in agony.

...Seriously. Go order a frappe and try to watch everyone within earshot. I guarantee that at least one eyelid is going to twitch.

There's not much else going on right now. I'm extremely tired and in need of food. Until tomorrow...

There's So Many More Details...

2011-06-16T11:30:00.005-04:00

SO. MUCH. GOING ON. OR TO DO. BLARGH.

[o] I started the 30 Day Creativity Challenge June 1st, and almost immediately fell behind. Then the trip happened. I'm a full 10 days behind, with no ideas for the ones I've missed. At this point I have a few options: (a) Remove what I've put up from the Facebook page and start over on July 1st (I'm fond of following months); (b) Pick up where I left off, pretending today is Day 7 instead of Day 16; (c) Scrap the whole thing and run away.

I'm not going to go with (c). Despite my college career (or because of it?), I'm unfond of dropping things I've only just started because they've gotten complicated. Option (a) gives me more time to plan, but I'm not sure if planning is really the point of the challenge. Of course, the point of the original challenge was drawing, which makes capturing each day's assignment a lot easier than photography does, so maybe I'm allowed to give myself some loopholes? I'd be happy putting it up to a vote for my followers, but I'm unsure of the amount of response I'd get.

[o] I have over 170 pictures to go through and edit. This makes me unbelievably happy, but it also requires time, and today is the first of seven days of work before my next day off. Two of those days will be six hour shifts, which will help, but those days will also have Moose & Shark Time, which obviously takes away from Editing Time. I'll figure it out, but in the meantime I feel mildly overwhelmed with the pressure I put on myself to put up at least one picture a day. It shouldn't be hard to keep up with, but I wonder if it's enough to keep people interested, should I put up more, blah blah blah...

[o] I got a message from a potential customer while in Connecticut, someone asking if a certain picture came in a note card. I responded the same day, asking what kind of note card she meant, but have yet to get an answer. After a conversation with Dad about the potential awesome or suck involved in cards, I'm not sure what kind of response I want to get...but I know I want one!!

[o] A potential wrench got thrown in the works on our last night in Connecticut, a wrench that is making us rethink all the possible living arrangements when we get back. I'm not going to get into all of it, but will say that we're trying to find a ratio involving money and comfort to judge all the possibilities. Complicating all of this is the Unknowns: how many hours will I get when I transfer, how soon will Ryan be able to find a job, how long can I/do I want to wait between arrival and working, etc etc.

[o] I ran into Current Boss yesterday while running in to get my schedule and tips, and told her about the plan to move. She said she needed a date and a specific place. I've picked the place--Storrs, across from E.O. Smith--but we're still trying to pick an exact date we'll be moving, plus the question I just mentioned.

I had been considering taking some breather time between arriving back in Connecticut and starting work again, say a month at the most. With all the considerations going on, I'm not sure if we'll be able to afford a break in income like that. I told her we'd have that decision in the next couple of days, forgetting all the madness between Question A and Answer Z. Oy.

[o] After discussion with Ryan's father, we've narrowed down the moving methods to two options: (a) something called U-Pack, which is similar to PODS, where a large storage unit is delivered, filled, picked up, and hauled to Connecticut for us; (b) renting a moving truck, which would require Ryan's father to fly out and drive. The deciding factor is money, which is, of course, complicated. How much more can we save in the next four months, how much can parents contribute (if they can afford to at all), exactly how much would tickets and tolls cost, etc etc.

Basically, over next days/months/weeks, I/we have to figure out:
[o] if/when to continue the 30 Day Challenge
[o] how to fit in my Hobby Job around my Day Job while meeting Social Requirements
[o] exactly where and how we want to live in Connecticut
[o] when we want to move back to Connecticut
[o] when I'll be starting work once back in Connecticut
[o] how much moving help we'll be able to gather
[o] how much money we'll be able to save
[o] finally, can I survive seven straight days of work with a million urgent questions I'm completely unable to answer bouncing around my head

Oh and I returned to new work drama and have to make decisions about the old work drama and there's a new person and borrowed people and whee. At least my brakes have been fixed.

Time for breakfast and clothes and off to work.

...PRAY FOR ME.

2011-06-15T10:48:00.001-04:00

Back!

Got back yesterday, actually. Was just way too exhausted to update.

I'm still too out of it in a lot of ways to update.

This trip was simultaneously fucking awesome and fucking heavy.

I have a lot of things to think about, both with Ryan and for myself.

OY.

I think I'll jump in the shower then go down to my old store to visit. Maybe sit somewhere with pen and paper and put thoughts down. I hope it helps.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Deep Breaths...Almost To Awesome!

2011-06-09T23:19:00.002-04:00

Today...was pretty fuh.

The morning was nice, waking up slowly to thunder and rain.

Then I went to work and it all went downhill. I'm not even going to go into it. Ugh.

Fuck it! I'm gone for a week. Tomorrow evening Ryan and I fly to Connecticut, and I spend the next three days after that wallowing in the peoples I've missed like hell for over a year. I CAN'T WAIT! :D

Tomorrow will be the last minute things--laundry so we don't have to worry about it when we get home, packing, getting money and Ryan's paycheck, etc--and then several hours of Hurry Up And Wait. Whee.

...I CAN'T WAIT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Owning The To Do List.

2011-06-08T13:57:00.002-04:00

[x] reserve a car rental - Done!
[x] try and make a chiropractor appointment for Ryan, either Thursday in South Bend or Monday in Manchester - Probably not going to work, but his back has been better, so it'll have to wait and see for when we get back
[x] confirm if I can pack pounds of coffee and/or my camera case - coffee seems to be okay, camera depends on airline, whose site isn't being helpful. Decision: coffee's coming, my camera is staying home.
[/] print out itinerary and receipt and all that to make boarding pass collection easier - Found out we can do online check-in 24 hours before time, so will be doing that tomorrow.
[x] get laundry money from bank - Done!
[/] do a ton of laundry - In the midst! Other people are doing laundry in odd cycles, so it's been a lot of waiting and guessing.
[o] do a practice pack - Waiting for laundry to be done.
[/] reserve room/table at Willi Brew for Saturday night - Fuh. I had prepared myself for the possibility of issues, what with reserving the back room for prime time on a weekend, but dang. For a reservation of our size at our time, we'd need to do an Event Menu, which is...expensive. Like, just getting one buffet thing of chicken piccatta would $120, and while that feeds 24 people, it's still just one thing. I've sent out messages to see what we-all can/want to do, hopefully it still works out!
[x] call Mom and Dad to make plans with them (I'm a bad daughter) - Done and done, with tentative dates set for both. May call tomorrow to try and fine-tune, but we shall see.
[o] mail things at Post Office - Not done yet, will probably do in half an hour or so. Very glad to have a P.O. less than 10 minutes away, makes things so much easier!

Back into the madness!

I Say Again: GUH.

2011-06-07T22:54:00.002-04:00

Guhhhhhh I am so tired. This weekend was great and lovely and wonderful and I can't wait for my trip in three days but OH MY GOD I WANT A DAMNED BREATHER.

I do work tomorrow, but it isn't until 4:30. Thursday I work 1 to 9:30, and Friday is Travel Day, so tomorrow is the last real chunk of time to get things done. Here's the list:

[o] reserve a car rental
[o] try and make a chiropractor appointment for Ryan, either Thursday in South Bend or Monday in Manchester
[o] confirm if I can pack pounds of coffee and/or my camera case
[o] print out itinerary and receipt and all that to make boarding pass collection easier
[o] get laundry money from bank
[o] do a ton of laundry
[o] do a practice pack
[o] reserve room/table at Willi Brew for Saturday night
[o] call Mom and Dad to make plans with them (I'm a bad daughter)
[o] mail things at Post Office

I'm not sure which is the best part of this, that at least half of this list could/should have been done a week or more ago, or the fact that it's all required. ALL OF IT. BEFORE CLOSING WITH THAT ONE AND THE OTHER ONE.

Meanwhile I have been completely, completely exhausted. And it's mostly hitting at work. Saturday, yesterday, and today: fine before work, clock in, get on the floor, want to go take a nap, spend next several hours feeling almost drunken from exhaustion. My already-lacking coordination plummets to toddler level, my judgement is just fucked, and I'm completely useless.

But only at work. This morning I met with Aurelie for brunch and made an impromptu shopping trip, and felt completely fine, even with the insane heat (103!) and fair humidity. Walked in to work, BAM, tired as HELL.

The Good Shift spent the rest of the day insisting that it's because I'm pregnant (I'M NOT. TRUST ME.), but I developed a better theory with some help from Aurelie. To put it short and sweet, it's stress. To quote her, "I have those days. They're called...you can't handle work. You have other things to do (even if it's napping) and you don't want to be fucking be there...so you feel like shit." Basically, it's the last place I want to do and the last thing I want to be doing, I start running on fumes and feel like crap.

Tomorrow doesn't look good for catching up on sleep, but Thursday might be. And Friday our flight isn't until the afternoon, so maybe then? At the very least, I can nap on the plane! :D

Time for dinner. Whee.

2011-06-04T23:02:00.002-04:00

Didn't update yesterday as I was spending the day with Kitty (and other friendses) for the pre-wedding-hang-out. Today was work and errands, and I have felt exhausted and crappy all day. Tomorrow is the wedding! Yay wedding!

Monday I may have the energy to do...anything. We shall see!

Stresssssss.

2011-06-02T22:54:00.004-04:00

The new normal, for me, has been 1-9:30 pre-closing shifts. Occasionally, however, I'll get handed a closing shift, 4:30-10:30. I don't mind these, since it means I have almost an entire day free.

But I'm developing a bad pattern.

The night before at later-shift-day, I'll set my alarm for a later wake-up time. I can sleep in!, I'll think. I have the whole day to do stuff before work!

And I will sleep in. And I'll take my sweet time getting up, checking the internets, eating breakfast, getting showered and dressed, I have the whole day for chores and reading, dum dee dum...wait how is it 3 PM I haven't eaten yet I have to leave in an hour and all I've done is computer stuff AAAAAA.

>.<

Today was a bit more productive than that, at least. I got some pictures edited, although I did find that some of what I thought was a great shoot were actually...not so great. Poo. I also didn't feel 100% happy with the results of some of my edits...I'm hoping that I'm just doing that thing I do to myself when I'm stressed where nothing is good enough and why do I think I'm good at this and ugggghh I'm so stoooopid...

I'm...a bit stressed.

There's so much drama going on at work (both my and other stores), and I can't even go into it all it's that dramatic. Plus tomorrow is the "bachelorette" party (really just a mostly-girls-only pre-wedding party for the bride, our friend Kitty, for whom Sameh and I are co-Maids of Honor :D) and Sunday is the wedding itself and I don't know when I'll get a chance to do some pre-trip errands and what am I bringing and which bags am I packing and aaaaaaa.

...I think it's time for dinner and sleep. Lots of sleep. And tomorrow there shall be dinner and funtimes! Yes! THERE WILL BE FUN, DAMMIT! :D

Owning It.

2011-06-01T12:09:00.003-04:00

I already bragged a bit on Facebook, but I felt like getting into more detail here. What I've done today:

[o] Got up at 7:30 (against my will, but still)
[o] Had a real breakfast
[o] Found proof that I paid for my January clinic visit and the Not A Bill But You Owe Money piece of mail is BS
[o] Went back to Kate's Garden and took 280 shots, almost all of them useable
[o] Filled up my gas tank
[o] Had a real lunch
[o] Uploaded said shots
[o] Took some more shots, of myself, for the 30 Day Creativity Challenge, and edited and posted one to start Day One
[o] Put away the dishes

It's barely past noon, and I have eight hours of my day job, wherein I will earn money and be a good barista. Today is definitely a success, and it's only begun!

Grown To Love Indeed...

2011-05-31T23:05:00.002-04:00

I've recently been obsessed with a local duo called The Bergamot. I first heard them--and heard of them--when they played in my store for the Starbucks 40th Anniversary Celebration. They are the son and future-daughter-in-law of Tracy, a very sweet regular who reminds me a lot of Auntie M. I kept listening to a song or two on their Facebook page, then finally took some tip money and waited for them to come in, and asked for a CD. I've been listening to it just about nonstop ever since.

They call themselves organic pop, and the sound fits this spring/summer weather absolutely perfectly, and I just adore it. My favorites are The Traveler, Haven, Rush and Skyscrapers. Oh, and Highway 17, which is hard to listen to without tearing up a bit, especially if I'm driving with the windows down on a gorgeous sunny day with the breeze blowing through my hair...Driving down the 17/All the faces we have seen/In a place that we have grown to love/Grown to love indeed...

I think I'm also a little obsessed with them because I (sort of) know them personally, because I absolutely made their day when I asked to buy their CD, because I've been listening to them and reading over their Facebook and website, reading about how they're doing what they love and are working hard to do it for a living...all while I've opened up my little digital storefront and am trying to promote and pretty up and cross my fingers that this will only be the beginning, just like this has been their beginning...

Also, they're 23 and 24, respectively, and I've been a little obsessed with age lately and all these artists and singers who are kicking ass in the world and they're all younger than me!

I know. Twenty-six is so old. I'm ancient. I should just give up ever accomplishing anything now KIDDING PLEASE DON'T HIT ME.

On a vaguely related side note, my mother will be happy, Ryan randomly pointed out not one, not two, but THREE silver hairs on my head today. The brat.

Off to read the night away...

Yatta!

2011-05-30T10:55:00.003-04:00

Awesome way to start the day: get up, jump on computer to throw something on my thumb drive and post my daily picture to my Facebook page, drive to 933, get online, find this same picture REBLOGGED TWICE.

LESS THAN AN HOUR. REBLOGGED TWICE.

\^.^/

For those who don't speak Tumblr, that's pretty awesome, especially since I don't have a gajillion followers yet. I have, in fact, FIVE, and one of them is a friend and another is a weird broken Tumblr bot...don't ask. The point is, on Tumblr, reblogging is almost the best form of flattery, and I get more and more every week, and...eee. :)

I love that today, Memorial Day, really feels like the first day of summer. It's not the first day of the year that the temp is over 80, and it's certainly not the first really humid day of the year. It is, however, to me, the first day it hasn't felt unseasonal. And it's Memorial Day. Awesome.

Of course, I'll think it's less awesome whenI go to work and have to make a million frappucinnos for eight hours, but whatever, time and a half DUDE!

The work situation seems to be improving. I don't know if something changed so That One is being less of an ass, or if I've hit the wall of Going To Ignore As Much As Possible, or some combination of both, but he's been liveable. Mostly.

Meanwhile, That One Shift's girlfriend is pregnant, making THREE people at this store having kids. When I transfered, there was someone pregnant at every store; now it's just mine! I think my favorite part is that, last year, almost twenty people I knew got engaged or married. A few of them also got pregnant, and two even managed to do three out of the four, but the focus was definitely on engagement and marriage. This year, everyone's getting knocked up. This year, I got engaged. THERE HAD BETTER NOT BE A PATTERN HERE.

...Then a past co-worker sat down to catch up and I lost my train of thought. I think I'll get down to what I came here for: working on the Ruthenium Photography empire!

...NO I AM NOT GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.

Access! Sweet Access!

2011-05-28T11:51:00.003-04:00

Finally! I'm in! For the past four days I haven't been able to access the log-in page for Blogspot but today it worked and I'M IN!

...of course I have to start getting ready for work in 10 minutes and am currently still working on my bowl of cereal, but still!

To catch up:
Tuesday night was a mini party! Some people from 933 came over, we all hung out and watched Rocky Horror and talked and laughed and generally had a good time. :)

Wednesday was a fairly boring day, which was actually a nice change from the incredibly stressful and busy past few weeks.

Thursday ended up being Ryan & Ruth day, which was really lovely. We leveled, we did some errands, we watched some stuff...we had normal Us time. He's been working a lot of morning shifts over the past two or three weeks, so we haven't had a whole lot of quality time. Hopefully that will change!

Friday, yesterday, was Aurelie & Ruth day, and was also very nice. I spent the morning and early afternoon getting a LOT of photo editing done, then Aurelie and I met at a local placed called Quincy's Cafe, hung out there and talked and internetted and snacked for a while. Dropped my car off at the apartment, headed over to Target to do some shopping (which ended up being a lot of ogling pretty pretty things and realizing we didn't NEED anything), then attempted to donate blood. Aurelie had asked me the night before if I'd be up for going with her/donating myself, and I'd been iffy on the second part until I got there. Then I was pumped and ready to go and excited and realized that I needed a tissue and oh yeah I've been kinda sick for almost a week now crap. I asked, they said I can't donate until I've been symptom-free for 72 hours. :( Aurelie got rejected because it hasn't been a full year since she got her ears pierced at a tattoo shop. Foiled!

From there we went to the Main St Starbucks, and continued the talking there for a good while before she took me home and called it a night.

All in all, both my days off were pretty fantastic, and very rejuvenating. Hoping it lasts!

Today is back to work, which won't be SO bad since Aurelie is actually subbing today! I'll have three and a half hours with her :)

Meanwhile, I'm up to 23 Facebook fans, and am slowly spreading the word about my shop. No sales yet, but I'm really enjoying getting my head back into thinking creatively around marketing! Whee!

Right, time to get dressed and dive back into the trenches!

Arting and Gaga and Chores, Oh My!

2011-05-24T10:30:00.004-04:00

Geez, not that I'm bad at updating or anything...

Birthday was great, work on Sunday was fine.

Yesterday was combinations of fantastic and awful. I woke up around 10, and had decided by 10:30 that I wasn't going to sit around until I had to go to work. Hell with that. I got dressed, packed up my camera and a PB&J, and hit a park five minutes away.

It's called Kate's Park, dedicated to a community leader, and it's filled with flowers and little paths and a sculpture called Educators, and it's connected to Riverwalk, a series of paths and parks stretching down the St. Joseph River through South Bend and MIshawaka. I enjoyed my breakfast sandwich on a bench by some lilac and peonies and thought of home for a bit before picking up the camera and having at.

The weather fought back a bit--very windy, sunny but enough clouds that I had to keep switching settings between full light and full shade--but it was warm, the tone of the light was gorgeous, and I had a garden full of beautiful flowers! I spent at least five minutes trying to capture dew on some tall grass (hi Dad!), and another five minutes getting shots with a very photogenic bumblebee. Overall, it felt like some of the most productive shooting I've ever had.

So I went to work with that feeling, and it stuck pretty well--I cleaned the cafe and helped customers and brewed coffee with a smile and some sunshine.

Then Good Shift put on the Lady Gaga promotion soundtrack, since we started selling her CD yesterday. And That One spent the next two. hours. bitching nonstop about how much she sucks, how she's terrible and weird and annoying, how she needs to jut die already, on and on and on and HOLY CRAP SHUT UP. I didn't even care that he didn't like an artist that I do, he could have been complaining about someone I don't like, but it was nonstop and childish and ugggh.

My mood went up again when he left, and Ryan visited me just in time for my second ten, and I bought a CD from a regular couple, a local duo called The Bergamot that played at my store for the 40th Anniversary Celebration, and they were just overjoyed and appreciative and thanked me again and again! Made me feel nice...plus I love their stuff!

Then right before I left I got the most hostile customer I've ever dealt with. He started off the entire transaction feeling affronted, as if he'd been ignored for a long time (except having just walked in), and mocked me as I tried to serve him. He ended up laughing as I made his coffee (for reasons none of his could comprehend), then apologizing repeatedly as he left. It was surreal and mildly traumatizing.

Anyway...that-all was yesterday. Oy. Oh, and I'm mildly sick, with sniffles and pressure and grossness, and I've managed to pass it on to Ryan. Woo! Don't worry, parents, I'm downing plenty of tea and water at work, taking vitamin C and echinacea at home, getting plenty of rest, and making sure Ryan is, too.

Today I woke to find a text message from Da Boss saying I don't need to go in until 3:30 (two extra hours of free time and only ONE hour of That One? ka-ching!), so I have to finish up this entry and get on with my list:

[o] shower & dress
[o] bank
[o] take more pictures?
[o] upload (and edit?) yesterday's pictures
[o] dishes
[o] laundry
[o] maybe even some dedicated reading time!

I am really enjoying Game of Thrones! It's a great story, and a great read--it's hard to describe exactly why the act of reading it is more enjoyable than with other books, but I'm sure the avid readers out there will understand what I mean. It's also helped me with the TV series, which had me a little confused. I'm actually just about caught up to the show, will start hitting spoilers soon...

Right, off I go!

PS--I have 14 fans on my Facebook Page! They're all people I know, but still!!
PPS--I'm thinking of trying this out, except with photography instead of drawing. Thinking it could be fun and challenging, and maybe could work as promotion for the shop and such? Still contemplating.

Okay, going now!

Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me...

2011-05-21T23:33:00.003-04:00

My day:
[o] wake up very slowly, feeling slightly...off from the birthday dinner turned bar crawl that had me home at 3 AM :D
[o] head to Starbucks with Ryan, to get hugs and birthday wishes from lovely friends :D
[o] Aurelie gave me a mirror from Ten Thousand Villages, a small chain featuring art and jewelry and wonders from all over the world. The mirror is from Bangladesh, made from recycled chip and snack bags. Even better than the mirror (which is really cool and colorful) was the card, telling me that she's glad I moved to Indiana and she met me and we can be awesomely awkward together. :D
[o] Ben stopped by to show off one of his kittens, who looked like a ball of lint with the teeniest eyes and teeniest mouth and even teenier little mew. I got to hold him, he was ADORABLE.
[o] Wanted to go to pet store, Ryan said no. I've no idea why...
[o] Got shoes for Kitty and Alex's wedding (two weeks!!)
[o] Came home, checked mail to find card and present--rainbow piano key socks!!!--from Mom. :D Forgot to call and thank her because I'm a bad kid.
[o] Puttered around online while Ryan made a cake in the kitchen.
[o] While cake cooled, went out to get photo paper and dinner. Came back home with dinner, watched Goldmember while eating (sometimes, you just need a big dose of silly), then I read a bit while Ryan decorated aforementioned cake.
[o] Was presented with cake, complete with 26 lit candles and Ryan singing Happy Birthday. He had even spent a good amount of time trying to tint the cake frosting just the right shade of purple. <3
[o] Ate cake, then went to our computers, where I finally what I've been plotting and working on for three months, speeding up this past week...

I present to you...Ruthenium Photography, on Etsy!

:D

I feel extremely nervous and a little anxious and I can't shake that old feeling from school where I'm SURE that everyone can see all the mistakes I'm making even if I fix them...but THERE! I'm out there! I'm doing it! SCARED BUT DOING IT ANYWAY! WOO!

I also have a Facebook Page and Twitter for it, for the purposes of spreading the word (and business!) as much as possible. Whee!

Tomorrow is back to work, but I'm NOT going to think about that right now. Right now, I'm going to get all comfy and watch some Bones with Ryan and then read some Game of Thrones and then go to bed.

It was a good birthday. I think I'll do it again next year! :)

Mwehehe!

2011-05-20T19:30:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was much better than I had expected, despite both closing with That One and having customer after customer after plague of customers come in while Good Shift and I were trying to get closing things done. Ergh.

Today has been good! Got some photography done (not entirely pleased with the results based on my mission, but might be some gems in there), did some prep work while visiting friends at 933 (including Holly, who I haven't seen in over a month!), and got LOTS of prep work done this afternoon while watching more Glee on Netflix.

Prep work for what you say? You'll just have to wait!

I have about an hour to kill before I head out again, meeting Ben and friends at Hacienda to celebrate our birthdays tomorrow :) Since I've used up almost every shred of free time today on other stuff, I'm going to spend that hour reading. Ciao!

Ssssstuff.

2011-05-18T21:59:00.002-04:00

So. This has been my past couple of days:

[o] Monday, almost got sideswiped by a panel van. Sideswiped isn't quite the right word, since he wasn't looking to swap paint, but be in the space I was currently occupying. Apparently signaling and/or looking when changing lanes is for suckers.

[o] Yesterday, through a conversation with Current Boss Lady that actually came up naturally, I found out that the district's official policy involving roommates and working together is: Nope. There's fear about illness leading to half a store calling out, what if someone gets terminated or promoted, etc etc. I can't transfer to 922 or Ironwood without BJ or Sam having to leave, and Main St would be a worse environment for me. It's Ireland until we move.

[o] I've decided that I can stand A or B alone, but together just...I hate it. Worse, I hate myself when it's just the three of us. I shut down completely. I give up. Coming to Indiana helped me grow out of my shell, I became ME, and I never realized how much I liked to joke and relate and just TALK until I found myself keeping my eyes down and my mouth shut for hours at a time just to avoid the chances of snapping. Short of changing shifts or one of them leaving, there ain't shit I can do about it.

[o] Today I did, sorta-kinda, talk to B about how his and A's hostile complains about customers make me uncomfortable. He didn't really listen and turned it into a story about his brother...but it's actually a good thing. I can honestly say I tried to talk to him about it, if it ever comes to talking to someone else about these things.

[o] Friday begins birthday celebrations for myself and Ben, a shift at 933 who shares my birthday, which falls on Saturday. Why do the celebrations start Friday night? Because this year is his 21st birthday. The plans are for a bunch of people to meet up at an all-ages joint to have dinner and hang out. At midnight, we hit up a real bar (a nice place, I promise, not just a joint) and buy Ben his first legal drink. The whole night promises to be fun!

[o] I have no idea what I'm doing on my actual birthday. I have two actual plans: one is going to 933, partly because I want to and partly because Aurelie made me promise since she works all day and she wants to give me my present. The other plan is remaining under wraps for now. One word: muahaha.

[o] I've started Game of Thrones, the first of the A Song of Ice and Fire series. I'm really enjoying it! It's a good story, told well, and written in a way that's enthralling without being too thick. It's...nice to chew on, I guess is the way to describe it. I think avid readers will understand what I mean.

Speaking of which, I interrupted this entry an hour ago to watch the latest episode of the Game of Thrones HBO series, and it's put me in the mood for reading it. Soooo...kbye.

2011-05-17T23:21:00.001-04:00

Bah! Almost did it again!

Still alive. Still pluggin' along. I'll make a real update tomorrow. Maybe. Hopefully. If I survive.

Whee!

I Survived Happy Hour 2011.

2011-05-15T23:42:00.003-04:00

I made it through the day. And I didn't even punch anyone in the face. Or even really want to!

However, I did learn that I work with That One every single day this week. UGH.

BUT! less than a week until my birthday! Which promises to be fun, especially since Ben, a shift who went from Ireland to 933 a couple months before I got transferred, turns 21 the same day I turn 26! There's not a party planned, per se, more like a meet-up at some place or another that is as yet undecided. The only decision is, it has to happen around midnight, and it has to have booze, so Ben can get his first legal drink.

Also, Kitty and Alex get married in 20 days! And Ryan and I go to visit Connecticut in 26 days! Whee!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Pray, Cross Fingers, Put Out Candy, All That Good Stuff...

2011-05-14T22:51:00.003-04:00

Today was a long one, although it helped me realize something: I don't necessarily want to leave where I am. I might have to, it might come down to I Go Or He Goes, but I do like it there, for the most part, and I can stand the things I don't like.

Of course, there's still Him to worry about. Trying to get my little ducks in little rows...and hoping he helps me without realizing it...

Tomorrow is the last Happy Hour, which promises to be horrendous. It's also my day pre-closing for That One, and although the closing shift is one of my favorite people to work with, he's also one to bury himself in the paperwork and pasty case and what not, so it'll mostly be just the two of us...pray for me?

At the moment, I'm listening to music and eating corned beef and potatoes and sipping at a White Russian. It's an interesting combination, but it seems to be doing the trick of keeping my mood up, despite the starches and alcohol. Just waiting for Ryan to get off of work at 11 and come on home, and then we can unwind and sleep. Ah, sleep...

It's Time To Start A Countdown...

2011-05-09T22:20:00.002-04:00

I had a longer post made up relating a song that I'm really enjoying currently to my current work situation, but it was long and rambling, and I realized that it only made sense to me...and maybe Ryan and BJ. Suffice to say, the three of us caught most of a concert on TV last night, and Ryan bought me the concert CD for me today as an early birthday present (such a love), and one song in particular is matching up with realizations about stuff at work. This used to be a funhouse/But now it's full of evil clowns...

Anyway.

Yesterday and today were crazy at work, and I have no doubt that it will continue on through to Sunday. It might die down a bit after that...but only a bit. Summer has arrived at Starbucks, and its name this year is Mocha Coconut Frappucinno. Ugh.

Tomorrow will really be the hill to get over, as I have to work with the two people that make work a struggle. Wednesday, however...Wednesday is looking to be the perfect end of a long and difficult work week. Then I'll have my weekend, and I'm not going to think about how it'll start over again, I'm going to think about getting a hair cut and spending time with Ryan and with friends and RELAXING.

For now: dinner.

G'Duh?

2011-05-06T20:07:00.004-04:00

Today was Errand and Chore Day. Most people hate this day of the week, I usually find it to be the best and most rewarding. What this says about my personality vs what this says about the other days in my week...hmmm...

Anyway: grocery store, bank, cleaning, laundry, blah blah blah. It's been nice. It's also been warm and sunny and just plain GORGEOUS, which always helps.

I've developed a new habit lately of taking a part of myself, a habit or a quirk or an instinctive reaction, and turning it over in my head and inspecting it and asking myself why do I do that? Through this, I've made two realizations the past week:

First, the backwards bullshit that is the fact that I've let the people who messed me up so badly back in middle school stay in my head and tell me lies...that I've given them power for the past, oh, 12 years. They hated me, laughed at me, mocked me, bullied me relentlessly...and I've given them power? When they're not even there anymore? THIS IS WRONG. Must fix.

Second, I'm allowed to be good at shit. A light bulb clicked on that I've always been afraid to acknowledge or act on the fact that, hey, I can take really good photographs. They're really good, and people really like them. Same with my writing. Putting it out there isn't stupid or naive, I'm not lying to myself when I think about trying to actually build my life around it. I'm allowed to be good at things.

The second is probably related to the first--one of the lies that got stuck in the gears was that I'm just another stupid worker ant, I can't be good at things--but they felt like two different light bulbs. Whatever. Good things to realize! Now to act on them...

Sometimes, A Girl Just Needs Some Girl Time.

2011-05-05T23:02:00.003-04:00

I started off the day getting frustrated with various things, mostly looking into moving my iTunes library from one computer to another and Etsy shop stuff. I was pretty disgusted with life by the time Ryan got home around 1. He calmed me down and made me feel a lot better, then we leveled on WoW for a bit. It was my first time playing since Christmas, and it was good fun :)

The rest of the day was spent in Goshen with Aurelie, venting and eating and shopping and watching Whip It and just having a bit of a girl day. It was great. :)

Tomorrow might be a Ryan day, with small errands like grocery shopping and laundry and getting hair cuts, possibly ending with more friend time in the evening, depending on how stuff goes.

For now, I have a hunger headache, so I'm going to go feed myself. Night!

One Foot In Front Of The Other.

2011-05-04T23:25:00.002-04:00

I did not post yesterday because I didn't know what to say. The day sucked for a number of reasons, but it left me truly speechless when I got the news that Zach was gone.

...

I will forever be awed by my family, and their capacity for strength and grace. From beginning to end, my cousins and aunt and uncle--the wife and in-laws of this man--have been stubbornly hopeful and optimistic without denying the truth of what was going on. They are amazing and incredible, and I love them very much.

Anything else I would try to say would just be stumblingly awkward and wallow-y, so I'm not going to try. All I'll say is that I'm sad, but I'm glad he's at peace, and my heart is with his family.

Life goes on.

I have the next two days off, and I need them. Leaving all personal things aside, work has been kinda awful. I'm not going to get into it, but just...ugh.

Life kinda sucks right now. But it goes on.

This too shall pass.

One Step At A Time...

2011-05-02T23:54:00.002-04:00

Blargh. Tired.

Managed to get up today and work out a little bit! Set my alarm for ten, finally got up at five after...shower's on. Crawl back into bed for half an hour, then tried again. Ate some breakfast, then turned on the Wii Fit for the first time since last summer (200-something days, to be inexact). My weight has barely changed since then (it went up or down by 1.1 lbs, I forget which), but doing the "body check" tests and some of my old favorite activities showed me what has changed. Doing the soccer game (leaning back and forth to head-butt soccer balls and avoid cleats), my balance has improved (if only slightly). I've improved a surprising amount at the snowball fight game, which involves judgement and hand-eye coordination, the latter of which I more or less fail at in real life.

I did barely more than 10 minutes, but I felt the impact, then and all day. My first reaction was "I should start doing this every day!" The last time I tried jumping back into it, I ended up overdoing it, or something...I just remember feeling weak the last time I tried to do a full work out. So I'm going to keep doing a mild bit of exercise every other day all this week, and I'll see if I want to keep doing it every day next week.

Tomorrow is the Get Up Early and Art day. Current plan is to get up and haul the laptop to either 933 or Ireland and poke at things a bit. Hope it goes well!

Bits Of The Day.

2011-05-01T21:18:00.002-04:00

[o] I subbed over at Ironwood today, and it was fantastic! Like a mini-vacation. I worked with Jen, a shift who was at 933 over the summer before getting transferred, one of my favorite people to work with EVER. I also worked with SAMEH, my awesome roommate, and it was inside jokes and nerdery all day! WHEE! I liked my job for the first time in at least a month!

[o] Tomorrow I start what will hopefully become a regular schedule of getting up early and alternatively working out or arting around before work. Tomorrow is a work out day. Wish me luck!

[o] Zach is still in hospice, and the doctors have given him only a day or two. I keep waiting for that awful phone call, and trying not to think about it. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks.

[o] Dinner time!

O Blessed Sunshine!

2011-04-29T23:34:00.002-04:00

Today I got up early, ran around South Bend getting dirty and taking pictures in the gorgeous weather, spent some time at 933 trying to write and mostly failing to even get as far as trying, did errands and grocery shopping and two loads of laundry, and did some wedding organizing (i.e. finally gave in to my spreadsheet addiction) while watching Glee.

Tomorrow is back to the grind. And not just the regular old grind! New Boss Lady texted me this morning to ask if I could come in early, so I'm working eight and a half hours tomorrow! JOY!

However, she also mentioned a possibility of working at 933 on Sunday, which would completely make up for it. *crosses fingers*

Off to bed soonish, I'm hoping to make the getting-up-early-to-art thing a habit. Or should I sleep in to gather energy for the freaking long day? Hmmm...

Rules For A Day Off? You Read Right!

2011-04-28T14:49:00.002-04:00

Honesty time!

I've been depressed over the past few days. I know, almost certainly, that it is a combination of hormones (yup, it's That Time), exhaustion (mental and physical) from work, and frustration with feeling stuck in/with things I don't like but can't change.

That's just background, really, to explain Ryan's rules for me today on my day off:

[o] There will be three meals. Breakfast is done, and he's in charge of dinner, but lunch WILL involve some kind of protein, a fruit or vegetable, and no grease or sugar.
[o] I will do something productive for two hours or so, if only because I am unable to have an "unproductive" (by my definition) day without feeling like I wasted the day.
[o] I will spend at least two hours doing something purely relaxing. This can be photography, reading a book, watching TV or a movie, whatever, as long as it's completely relaxing.

So, my plan for the day: Ryan works from 3:30 to 8:30. When he leaves, I grab my laptop and head for 933, where I will poke at novels and have a protein plate and a delicious drink and see awesome people I haven't really seen in quite a while. Around 6 or so, I come back home and either read with music in the background, or watch some Glee or My Cousin Vinny or something else silly and fun. When Ryan gets home, there will be a delicious dinner and socializing.

Wish my luck!

I Might Even Needlepoint It Onto A Pillow.

2011-04-26T23:08:00.004-04:00

So, a bit after we got engaged, I went over to Offbeat Bride and joined the Tribe, the forum for fans and followers of OBB who are actively planning their weddings. Reading the blog and forum posts have already helped me start a little post of my own in my head, but today I got help from an unexpected source. Two, actually.

I forget why it came up today, but CE and Shift AB started talking about getting married...or specifically, how they don't want to get married if they can help it. Actually, AB just doesn't want to get married yet, but their point was still the same: they didn't want to be tied down. They're both in committed relationships and don't plan on changing that at all, but they still see a wedding ring as a noose. AB said, almost verbatim, "There are still so many things I want to do!"

I said this then, and I'll say this now, and I'll say it over and over until my tongue falls out of my head, and I feel so strongly about it I'm even going to go over the top and bold this sucker: If getting married means you no longer get to do the things you want to do with your life, you're marrying the wrong person.

AB conceded this, then said that usually getting married led to people assuming that Family Life would begin immediately thereafter, namely Having A Bunch of Kids. Also, "people" usually included the bride, whether the groom is aware of it or not.

Let me get this out of the way now, for anyone who was wondering: Ryan and I are not having kids anytime soon. We both want kids, at least two but maybe three, and we're not putting it off because we're hesitant about that. To be honest, I'm getting as bad as my mother when I see babies in public, to the point where Ryan will start quietly ticking at me until I punch him in the arm. It's just going to be a long time before we can.

The same year we're getting married, Ryan is planning on going back to school to get a Master's in Education--hell, he'll theoretically be starting the program a month before the wedding. The program is about three years long, and it's as likely as not that he won't be able to do a full- or even part-time job at the same time. We may not even be able to afford an apartment, let alone a baby, even if I have a full-time job (and sell photography on the side and whatever else I'll be doing for the next 18 months to save for the wedding). Then, after he graduates, he has to find a good, secure job, and we have to get financially secure enough to have our own place. Ideally a house, but that's unlikely.

So: marriage, diploma, career, home. THEN babies.

If I hear one squeak about babies between the exchanging of the rings and the acquiring of a lease or mortgage, there will be blood.

Glad we have that straight.

And no, this isn't the blog post that's slowly forming in my head, which is tentatively titled Taking Back The Wedding. This is just stuff.

I'm exhausted and frustrated with life in general and I really wish I didn't have work tomorrow but I do so poop.

Did I Mention Blargh?

2011-04-25T11:36:00.005-04:00

Not sure what to call this list...it's a combination of things going on in my life, things I WANT to be going on, things I'm focusing on or need to be or want to be...oy.

Anyway:

[o] On The/Running (haven't touched it or even thought about it in at least a month)
[o] photography (energy, schedule, weather, blargh)
[o] Etsy photography shop (energy, schedule, pricing, policies, blargh)
[o] wedding (yes it's a year and a half from now I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG TO PLAN)
[o] moving (consists mostly of worrying over money)
[o] trip to Connecticut (waiting to book tickets depending on upcoming funeral)
[o] housework (dishes, cleaning, laundry, feeling like it's all on me, BLARGH)
[o] oh, yeah, that job thing (a.k.a. 99% of my life)

And now, it's time to hopefully fetch my laundry. I say hopefully because, when I went down to move it from washer to dryer, there was a finished load in each dryer. I had to empty one to put mine in, and I'm nervous that I'll find my clothes removed, or an angry note, or an angry person, or I don't know. Oy. Wish me luck.

Ups And Downs And Inside Outs.

2011-04-24T23:40:00.003-04:00

I'm extremely tired and have to get up on the early side, so here are the highlights:

[o] whoever thought Easter would be slow at Starbucks when Lent just ended and no place else is open and it's a travel holiday GUESS WHAT YOU WERE WRONG
[o] stood up to a co-worker who used "queer" to insulting describe a guest, and told him that shit isn't funny. I had wildly shaking hands and racing heart and felt like puking for a good bit afterward, and he probably just thinks I'm just an over-reactive feminazi who can't take a joke, but it's a start.*
[o] another co-worker brought in her crock pot and made soup for us. ham, cheese, potato, and bacon soup. I LIKE HER.
[o] Ryan made Alton Brown's French toast for dinner. ommmmmm.
[o] watched Easy A with Ryan, BJ, and Sameh after dinner. Very good, very funny, very entertaining, even had a sweet ending that made me smile. :D
[o] watched the most recent Game of Thrones. Spoiler: THE QUEEN'S A BITCH.

Tomorrow is up early for laundry (and hopefully photography), store meeting at 12:30 (yayyyy), eight hour shift to follow. WOO.

*Exact conversation:
Me: Hey. That's not funny.
Him: Why, are you? Wait, of course you're not.
Me: Why does it matter? Do I have to be black to be offended by a racist joke?
Him: Maybe you do.

ERRRRRRRRRRRRGH

This Weekend Is A Bitch.

2011-04-23T22:13:00.003-04:00

Today was insane in a different way than earlier this week. Mainly because, for the first half hour I worked, there were seven people on the floor. Seven. Five is usually the max number, three or four the average. Seven was a bit ridiculous. I walked out and had no idea what to do. There was already someone barring hot drinks, barring frappucinos, ringing front, ringing drive-thru, cleaning, brewing...I was a bit superfluous!

Then, after 7 or so, it just died. No one. For a long time. Whee.

Tomorrow is Easter, and we of course are open our normal hours, and we are not getting paid any extra. WOO. Most seemed to think it'd be pretty slow since most of the world would be (a) closed, or (b) busy with family stuff, but I am suspicious. We thought Thanksgiving would be dead, and I'll never forget the madness I came into that day. Easter is another travel holiday, with people driving to have dinner with their families. While it's not nearly as big as Thanksgiving, I still see plenty of opportunity for us to be swamped with people wanting coffee for the road.

Of course, this store is also not directly next to the highway, so maybe we'll be lucky? Cross your fingers?

There's not much else going on...actually that's not true. My cousin's husband, a wonderful man, husband, and father of two small girls, has been moved into hospice care. I've spent the past two days checking my phone constantly to see if I've gotten The Call from my mother. It's sad and shitty and unfair in every aspect, and I don't know what else to say about it right now. I'm sending love and thoughts and prayers, and invite everyone else to do the same.

For now...dinner and rest.

I Missed Earth Day. Poop.

2011-04-22T23:22:00.003-04:00

My day:

[o] wake up
[o] get late breakfast/visit 933 crew with Ryan
[o] see Ryan off to work
[o] do mini photo session with engagement ring until camera insists that every single battery I put in it is dead. grr.
[o] go grocery shopping!
[o] return home in time for Aurelie to arrive and help me bring up groceries
[o] go back to Target with Aurelie and BJ to get her hair dye (and me candy, and BJ stuff)
[o] discover the Mishawaka Target doesn't have her hair dye
[o] go to Target across town
[o] get hair dye
[o] return home, watch several hours of Say Yes To The Dress, first with Aurelie's company and then by myself after she gets tired and goes home
[o] help Sameh after she steps on sharp tweezers and stabs herself in the foot
[o] eat dinner with Ryan
[o] type up entry

Whee!

I didn't do anything to celebrate Earth Day because, honestly, I wasn't aware of it until it was too late. I am glad I didn't work today, however, as apparently it was insane from Starbucks' policy of giving free coffee to anyone with a mug or tumbler on Earth Day. All day. WHEE.

Tomorrow, however, is back to the grind for another five days. I really needed this day of rest, and I hope I don't need one quite so badly by the time Thursday rolls around. This past week was stupidly busy and exhausting, and I'm not sure I could take another forty hours of it!

Seriously, you people--how does anyone work a 40 hour work week and go to college? Or raise kids? Or, I don't know, do ANYTHING?!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Pizza and Bubbly and Grumps, Oh My!

2011-04-21T01:46:00.005-04:00

I'd change the time to be posting on Wednesday, but hell with it.

Yesterday (that is, Tuesday) was pretty great. Ryan and I had the day off together to official celebrate being engaged. We went out and did some shopping, I got my ring back from being sized (:D), and the night included pizza and champagne for all (thanks, Mom! :D) while watching Tron: Legacy and episodes of Camelot. Hee :)

Today was...less awesome. I had to get up early (for me) to get laundry done so I could have clean work clothes. Then it was...insanely busy. And understaffed. And co-workers were pissy. And bleh. Then one of my co-worker's roommates, another Starbucks employee, came in completely drunk and hit on me pretty hardcore. It wasn't creepy so much as awkward, and I just know that the two other workers at the time will never let me hear the end of it. Oy.

Next week's schedule looks to be the same as this week, except instead of 40 hours it's 39 hours plus a one hour store meeting (fuuuun). I'm trying to track down my boss so I can talk to her about taking time off for my trip to Connecticut, but she's almost never at the store when I'm there, and it's a bit too complicated of a conversation for texting. Oy. I'll figure it out.

For now: so tired! Sleep...

Blarghhhhhhhhhhh.

2011-04-18T23:13:00.002-04:00

Uggggh. Today. Was. STUPID.

I arrived at work, and it was a trainwreck. Cleaning rags were just plain missing, things weren't just under stocked but stupidly stocked, it was almost nonstop the entire day. I don't know how many times I took a breath, said to myself "Finally, now I can do one of the million things that desperately need doing!" only to hear the drive-thru ding or see someone walk through the door. And most of the customers were (a) stupid, (b) rude, (c) high maintenance (half soy half nonfat? one and a half shots? REALLY?), or (d) orders of more than three drinks.

UGH.

Still. It's over. And tomorrow is a day off. With my fiancée! The first since we got engaged! A WHOLE DAY TO ACTUALLY TALK AND PLAN AND CELEBRATE WHAT A FLIPPIN' IDEA!

...I'm not cranky.

The plans for tomorrow include getting paint sample cards to think about color schemes, picking up some things for Kitty and Alex's wedding in June, poking the internet on the best dates to purchase tickets for a trip to Connecticut, and doing a real grocery trip for the first time in two weeks. WHEE!

For now, it's dinner (yes, at midnight) and random interneting and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Lesson One: It's Not That Scary, Ya Big Wuss.

2011-04-17T10:31:00.003-04:00

Man, purposefully not updating for a week has really thrown me off. Blah.

Right, like I wasn't off before.

Yesterday was an interesting work day. It was pretty busy when I got there, and pretty much stayed that way for half my shift. The second half...dead. Things were done done done by seven thirty, so I got to leave around ten to nine, forty minutes before my shift was scheduled to end. Score!

Got home, found chicken on a plate on a counter, being squished under the sugar bin with lemon sitting all over it. Oooo!

Dinner was that chicken, also seasoned with salt and pepper, cooked on the panini press/grill I got Ryan for our anniversary, then sauteed with red and yellow pepper and garlic and white wine and served with linguine. It was delicious, and it was my first informal cooking class...

Both Mom and I joked, upon our engagement, that now I need to learn how to cook. Then Ryan was sick for four days, and I stepped up to the plate and bravely drove out to the local array of fast food places to feed myself and my sick man. It was a lesson...well, no, it was a highlighter stroke over the lesson that I need to learn how to cook real food. So we're working on it bit by bit.

I managed to switch shifts around with a co-worker, so I now have Tuesday off, which will be the first day Ryan and I will have off together since we got engaged. We're finally going to celebrate! Probably with pizza and champagne! Woo! Party!

Speaking of shifts, I have mine in a little while, so it's off to feed and clothe myself and all that junk. Ciao!

I Really Am A Hippie, I Swear.

2011-04-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

Today...was the girly day.

Ryan and I got up on the "early" side (for us) and went together to get a planning notebook. I was going to get one yesterday, but I got myself all kinked up by details (padfolio? binder? should it match our theme? am I really having these stupid thoughts?). As predicted, Ryan basically pointed and said "That one works," and now we have a notebook to jot down ideas and plans and tape in inspiration pictures for the wedding and blah blah blah.

The other thing I did today was go on a road trip with Aurelie to the Vera Bradley Outlet Sale in Fort Wayne.

:D

I WAS GOOD. I bought a purse I've been wanting forEVER, and an apron which I've needed anyway, and they were both on really good sale and I came in under budget so THERE.

It was nice to just drive and talk and hang out with Aurelie :) I know I've mentioned her a lot, and there's a good reason: we're almost the same person. She's the Indiana me. So we tend to get along really well. :D

Tomorrow is back to work, five more days of eight hour shifts that I really shouldn't whine about because, hey, I have a pretty damned good job that puts a roof over our heads and medicine in our systems with people I actually like, so nyah.

...I'm tired. Night!

My Finger Feels Naked...

2011-04-14T23:36:00.000-04:00

Dropped the ring off at the jewelry store today to get it sized. It's going to take a week. :( I haven't regularly worn rings in quite a long time, and I only wore this one for a week (and even then, only straight through shifts for three days after getting over the fear of getting it covered in mocha), but I still miss it and feel it's absence.

I know. I'm a sap.

Today was some shopping and chores, the usual for a day off. Tomorrow is the fun day off! Aurelie are going to the Vera Bradley Outlet Sale in Fort Wayne. :D I have an "allowance" to keep me honest amongst the marked down purses, but it's still going to be fuuuuun. Plus Aurelie has a couple of places she wants to show me, including a cool little indie bookshop. WHEE! :D

After that, it's going to be a fun time until my next day off. Next week's schedule is 40 hours, which is awesome money-wise but will be exhausting. Oh well! Yay money!

That's all I have for now. Time for newly-washed, brand-new pajamas and my new book (Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides :D), then bed to prepare for tomorrow's funtime!

This Is Going To Be A Self-Centered Post. For A Good Reason.

2011-04-13T22:20:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the radio silence for a week, but I've really only had one thing to post about since last Friday, and had been unable to due to communication issues...the point is:

WE'RE ENGAGED!

:D

It happened on Friday, and it's been hell ever since. I've worked every night since, including that one, and he's been sick to the point that he called out three days in a row. We actually won't have a corresponding day off to sit down and plan and celebrate until next Friday...not that we have anything we can solidly plan yet.

The tentative date is October eleventh of next year....or 10/11/12 :D That was totally his idea, but I love it. Of course, it is a Thursday, and it'll probably be a popular date which means venues will book early and blah blah blah.

I promise I'll do my best not to make this blog all about wedding stuff from now on. It shouldn't be too hard since, again, it's a year and a half away...still, I'm dying to plan!!

But for now, I must make dinner for the hungry man. More tomorrow!

2011-04-11T01:09:00.000-04:00

Apologies for no posts the past few days. Lots of stuff going on. All will be explained in good time, I promise!

Still Here! Still Alive! Promise!

2011-04-07T23:12:00.003-04:00

...I'm bad at this lately.

I'm sorry.

Yesterday (Wednesday) was very productive. I did bank stuff, I got shopping done, I got pricing research done (although it brought up more questions), and I worked for six hours (six extremely long hours thanks to a ridiculously slow night).

Today (Thursday) I did more bank stuff, then spent the evening with Aurelie and Katie. There was walking, baking, movie watching (He's Just Not That Into You, a straight chick flick that I enjoyed), and talking.

...I realized, halfway through the evening, that I was hanging out and being myself with two genuine girlfriends, two girls who genuinely like me and enjoy my company, weirdness and awkwardness and nerdiness and all. I needed this, oh, 15 years ago?

Anyway.

Tomorrow is laundry, possibly some photography, late-anniversary-present-exchanging with Ryan, errand shopping, and a closing shift at Ironwood with Shift D (yay!).

For now: BED.

Closer...Closer!...

2011-04-05T21:09:00.005-04:00

I'm a step closer! :D

Tomorrow, I get to work on other steps:

[o] Talking to people at FedExKinkos and getting solid costs for printing & shipping, which I'll then use to set prices
[o] Looking into getting a Post Office box for shop-related mail (returns, checks, etc) (may seem paranoid, but I'm taking into consideration the three adults also living at this address)
[o] Fine-tuning shop policies (returns, exchanges, etc funstuff)

I'm trying to select an Official Opening Date. I think I've mentioned in the past that I'm weird about picking dates. I like them to be auspicious, but I don't want to be silly, blah blah blah. I'll figure it out, but until then I'll take suggestions. Right now I'm considering either May 1st, or my birthday (May 21st). *shrug*

For now, dinner is almost ready, and I am very very hungry. And tired. And sore. And yeah. *thud*

I NEED A DRINK.

2011-04-04T23:30:00.000-04:00

Today...was stupid.

It was generally crazy busy for most of the day, and I swear our store had a sign over it inviting all the high maintenance crazies to come in and make our lives more interesting. But it was really two distinct things that made today just ridiculous.

First, a doctor's office called in with an order of 15 drinks, saying they'd be in for them in 10 to 15 minutes. Someone showed up less than ten minutes later, in the drive-thru, expecting them to be ready. Oh, and this is all while people keep coming in and ordering drinks in the store. G'AH.

Then was the really fun moment of the day. I picked up a coffee urn to move it to the sink, and top completely detached from the body. Crash, splash, narrowly missed my feet but got extremely hot coffee on my left shoe. Fortunately, I was able to get my shoe and sock off before I got burned, but my left pinky toe got the brunt of it and hurt like a bitch for an hour or so afterward.

There were other little things--the woman who didn't actually buy anything, just brought in five bags of coffee for me to grind; knocking the cinnamon dolce shaker off the bar and mildly pricking my finger on a shard as I cleaned it up; the other woman who didn't know what her friend had asked her to get, just the strongest coffee we have, I don't know brewed or espresso, well where's your coffee list, AAAAAAAAA.

All is fine now. I'm home, I've had a hot dinner, tomorrow is a shorter mid-shift...whee.

Prepare For Dodgy Updates.

2011-04-04T12:03:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was interesting.

Got up at 10:30 and met Aurelie for study time at 933 a bit after 11. We ended up hanging out mostly, which was great :)

Got a text from New Boss Lady while there, asking if I could pick up a shift on Friday at Ironwood, due to schedule stuff. Long and short of it is, new guy hired last week? Two days of no call, no shows. He's gone, and we have 38 hours to cover this coming week. Fun!

So my schedule got futzed with, and it has its ups and downs. Looooong week (but more money!). 4 of the 6 days are closing shifts (but it's better at Ireland, and the one at Ironwood is with Shift D, who I miss, so yay!). Miss a day off (but half the days I don't go in until 4:30, and Aurelie and I are hanging out on Thursday).

It'll be okay. Long, but worth it, and generally okay.

Last night I closed, and our store's renovation began! I'll go in today to new paint, new furniture, new decorations, no sneeze-guard around the front bar, etc etc. And more things will change over the week. Should be interesting!

Alright, time to finish my breakfast and head to work. Eight hours. Wheeeeee.

I Think I Left My Brain In The Shower.

2011-04-02T22:35:00.003-04:00

I had a long day. Not a bad day, just a long one. It had all the potential of being bad--I started it off being very pissed at someone and stuck in a cycle of all the reasons why; the shift that came on is stupid at running breaks and decided not to send me on my ten 2 hours in, when it was slow and there were four other people on the floor, but 3 1/2 hours in, during a rush and just after someone left; my schedule may change next week so I work several eight hour shifts in a row and there's a chance my manager will ask if I can cover a 6AM shift on Friday (HAHAHAHAFUNNY)--but it still wasn't bad.

I'm home, I just got out of a hot shower, waiting for everyone else to get home, waiting for dinner. I could very easily begin waxing philosophical on things like the discussion on abortion I got into with a coworker on Facebook, or honesty and friendship, or even morality in general...I'm in that kind of mindset, and it might even make sense.

But as it is...I just got home, and I'm waiting for dinner, and I just got out of a hot shower. I think I'll listen to some music and continue waiting, stop waiting, and then go to bed.

Tomorrow is another eight hour shift, but I'm going to try my damndest to get up early and meet Aurelie at 933 so we can study together, since I flaked out on our weekly get-together last night and barely see her since transferring.

Whee. Thump. Zzzz.

Days Off Aren't Always Exciting.

2011-04-01T12:18:00.002-04:00

Yesterday:
[o] Got up
[o] Drove Sameh to work since she lost her car keys
[o] Spent 3 1/2 hours at 933, me writing and Ryan playing Pokemon
[o] Got dinner
[o] Watched The Rainmaker (my first viewing, really enjoyed it!)
[o] Watched random TV with roommates
[o] Bed

Today:
[o] Got up
[o] Still eating breakfast and getting ready
[o] Doing the paycheck dance: Pick it up at Target, go deposit it at bank, go back to Target to buy groceries
[o] Do some cleaning at home
[o] Go to Aurelie's house to hang out

This weekend is two eight hour shifts, one pre-closing and one closing. Gonna be a long one.

Still feeling a little out of it due to some very weird and creepy dreams last night. Also have the (hopefully) last tendrils of yesterday's bad headache holding on. Meh.

Hopefully going out in the sunshine will help :)

Bwah?

2011-03-31T02:33:00.002-04:00

WOW it's been a bad week for posting! First I don't update for Sunday until 2:30 Monday morning, and now it's 2:30 on THURSDAY morning. I kinda suck at this lately.

Anyway. Nothing new. Just work and writing, as usual. I am definitely getting used to my new co-workers, and my new schedule.

It's funny. At 933, I hated closings and pre-closings, working Front, brewing coffee, and loved working mids and being in Drive-Thru. At Ireland, I don't like mids, prefer Front, am ambivalent about DT, am happy brewing coffee all day, and prefer pre-closing over just about every shift.

I think part of is the physical store, and part of it is how duties are spread out. At 933, everything got cleaned at the end of the day. The big break-downs--front bar, DT bar, cold bar--happened on the pre-closing and closing shifts. At Ireland, it's spread out through the day, so there's an even chance that I'll come in at 3:30 with only brew station and floors and basic stocking left to do.

The way 933 is designed, most of the light from the front windows hits the merchandise area and the wall on the other side of the DT bar. Very little of it makes it to the floor where we are. At Ireland, there's only a small bit of wall between a tiny piece of window and DT, and the rest floods into the cafe and behind the counter. 933 from sunset to full dark made me feel like I was in a coffin...at Ireland, it feels so much bigger and brighter and more open!

Don't get me wrong. I miss 933 so freaking much, mostly for the people. I still go to write several days a week, and it's always an occasion involving squeals and hugs and "I miss your face!" Part of me still feels like I don't belong to Ireland yet, I'm only being borrowed from 933. It's hard to describe.

Long story short: I'm doing just about everything the opposite of what I liked at 933, and loving it, without there being any guilt over 933. Yay!

Tomorrow (er, today) and Friday are days off. Woohoo! Tomorrow is writing and photo editing! Friday is probably more of the same, plus added hang outs with Aurelie and her borrowed puppy! Woo!